Wednesday, August 20, 2014

The Inspiring Coach Barry

Recently, an inspiring video has been making the rounds about the internet, a video of an uplifting speech given by a constructive coach delivered to the disheartened lads of a devastating little league loss:


This video made me reminisce about an inspriational speech delivered by my little league coach years back. His name was Chuck Barry.


Listen kids, this ain’t the booze talking this time. This is me, Chuck Barry—sober Chuck Barry. My friends call me Chuck Sobarry—when I’m off the bottle, that is. But, you guys still have to call me Coach Barry regardless of my sobriety, even though the season’s over.

For years, I’ve been known as the friggin’ best damn real estate agent this side of Pembroke. But, I gave up that title—that oh-so cherished title—to spend time teaching you boys the ins and outs of America’s Pastime. Did you boys know that I lost a million-dollar buyer because I had to attend one of your regular season games? Huh...? Yes, I know Joey, all our games were regular season, but that’s beside the point. A big sale, out the window. A goddamn shame. Gah, I really could have used that money. But, I cared about you fellas more. But, damn I would’ve really liked that money.

Chuck Barry taught me to always shut the window. 

Anyway, look, what I’m trying to say is, you guys did great this season. I mean, all those losses were a letdown. Gahd, were they a letdown. I never once bet against you guys, which explains my current financial situation. Though, you should feel pride in that! I never vote for the underdog, but I made an exception, for you guys. Because I believed in you. Well, not now that the season’s over, but I did at one point.

Listen, you’re probably not going to remember any of this. This horrendous season will be nothing but a footnote in your biography, but believe me when I say, these are the best years of your lives... Yes, Billy, even you, sadly. Next thing you know, you’ll be all grown up, so sick of your home life that you agree to coach a little league baseball team just to get away from your walrus-of-a-wife for an hour. Smoking cigarettes on the bench, desperately wishing you have super vision so that you can see if Timmy’s mom’s bra strap is sticking out of her top again... Goddammit Timmy, it’s a metaphor.

"Goddamn my 13/19 vision." - Coach Barry

Anyway, great season boys. I would’ve liked to have seen you do better. Or even just good. But, let’s bring it in for one last huddle. Alright, boys, on three. One. Two... Yes, Corey. On three. No, let’s start over. One. Two. Three. Go Barry’s Badgers!

Alright, I hope to see some of you next year. Ah, ah, ah. Don’t leave yet. Look at the back of your uniforms. What do they say? That’s right: Sponsored by Chuck Barry Real Estate. Those shirts belong to me. I can return them for a fraction of their worth... Well, Billy. It’s not my fault that you didn’t wear an undershirt. Here’s a sweat rag to cover up those poker chips. Alright, boys. Don’t forget to give my number to your mothers. If they want to speak with me personally, tell them to come to the Trinity Pub. If I’m not there, I’m likely at the Pink Lady.

Alright. Good season, guys!