Thursday, April 3, 2014

299


Leonidas: This is where we hold them! This is where we fight! This is where they die!

Captain: Arm these shields, boys!

Uncredited Spartan Soldiers: Haoo!

Leonidas: Remember this day, men. For it will be yo— Wait a second. Has anyone seen Jerry?

Captain: He should be here. I sent out a reminder to everyone on Scrivver.

Astinos: Ugh! Father, he’s not following you on Scrivver. Hardly anyone uses Scrivver anymore. I told you to set up a MyPlate!

Leonidas: Are you serious? The Persians are, like, right over there, you guys.  

Captain: I’m sorry, my liege. I wasn’t aware that Jerry was still living in the Bronze Age! We’ve known about this for weeks. He should’ve etched it in his planner.

Astinos: Father, MyPlate is all the rage, now. Scrivver is so last span. Isn’t that right, Spartans?

Uncredited Spartan Soldiers: Haoo!

Leonidas: Quiet, the lot of you! Our phalanx remains incomplete; we have to think of a plan. We can’t go limp in front of Xerxes. Not now.

Astinos: I hear he has GOM.

Leonidas: What in the seven hells is that?

Captain: Greek Overnight Messenger. It’s some retro bull crap from the 500s. Only hipsters and geezers use it nowadays.

Astinos: Says the man with nine different Scrivver handles.

Captain: My liege, I may have a suggestion. Is it possible that we may replace Jerry’s position with one of the Arcadians?

Leonidas: You can’t be serious. We’re called the 300, not the 299 and the Arcadian puss. Those nerds don’t even lift.

Captain: What other option do we have?

Astinos: Well, father, you can hit up that bulbous mutant, Ephialtes, you seem to always be chatting up on Scrivver.

Leonidas: Ew, no. I’d rather die in a volley of arrows than be within eyeshot of that thing.

Captain: Eh, well, we could alw—

Leonidas: Screw it, no. We’ll be fine. One Spartan is equal to about, like, 333.33-repeating Persians. All we have to do is cover the difference, and we’ll be fine. About 1.12 more kills per Spartan. You think we can do that?

Captain: Wow, my liege. I didn’t know you were such a…

Leonidas: Genius?

Captain: Nerd!

Astinos: What a nerd!

Uncredited Spartan Soldiers: Nerd! Haoo!