Tuesday, January 14, 2014

The Tortured Soul of a Well-Off, Suburban Child

My neighbors recently vanished. Well, maybe not vanished per se, but they’ve moved. Perturbed by their ever-reclusive reclusive son, I decided to break into their home investigate their formerly-owned residence. There wasn’t much in the way of money or jewelry; even though I assure you, that’s not what I was looking for. But, I did happen upon an eerie journal. A journal full of poetry penned by what I can only describe as the tortured soul of a well-off, suburban child. There’s no structure to the poetry, but what can be expected of a child that no one understands?

Here are some unnerving excerpts from this deeply disturbing collection:

Oozing from the Cut

There is a hole in the pit of my stomach,
I feel as empty as an empty bag.
A vessel am I, but I know the cure,
I must cut.

I must cross the lines,
The knife cutting as smooth as a smooth-cutting pair of scissors.
Should I cut once more? I know the answer.
I must cut.

I will cut and consume,
Filling this empty void.
I will cut and consume,
Until the elder blood of my blood tells me I’m grounded for eating all the pie.

Don't worry. It's just a close up of cherry pie.


All These Pills

I long to be lost in my two-dimentional world,
Wandering the gaps of a sharp, meandering maze.
Ghosts breathing down my neck,
As I engorge on an overabundance of pills.

But here I lay in tedium,
Staring at the ceiling of this suburban prison.
Until the maternal creature with which I dwell,
Releases me of the binds of this groundation.

                So that I may go play Pac-Man in the basement.

Disturbing Pacman Art

In This Room

This room is dark,
But I wish it more blinding.
The blackest of blacks,
Is out of my grasp.

I’m adorned in shadows,
From my neck to my boots.
But I’ll never be consumed by darkness, my friend,
For I have blonde hair.

                And the wench won’t buy me black hair dye.

My transformation is almost complete.

Friday, January 10, 2014

Muppets for Justice and The Book That Can Be Read with Eyes

Joining me on today's very special post is none other than the author of the award-winning blog Muppets for Justice (Seriously, it's been nominated for, like, a thousand awards, but he's refused to answer the contractually obligated questions that accompany these very real awards, therefore most of the awards have been revoked). Everyone give a warm welcome to:

ADDMAN


I'm sure many of you have heard the spectacular news, but for those you who've been living under a rock... or in a house with no internet access, Addman has released an eBook compilation of comedic articles. Here's the cover:

Also the title is on there, too.

Unfortunately, the cover's the only thing he's giving to you for free (except some of the content of the book that's taken from his blog). If you're eager to get your hands on this comedic gem, the two links below shall pave the way to hilarity:

Click Here to Purchase the US version.
Click Here to Purchase the UK version.

Now, let's get the ball rolling with some silly:

Chiz: If you could be any fruit, what would you be?

Addman: Julian Clary.

Chiz: I bet Mr. Clary could be a banana, because you can peel him open and eat his insides. Moving on, when did Gotax the Destroyer become real to you?

Addman: The moment that I just Googled "Gotax The Destroyer" and ended up on a tax calculator website. I wish he would come and destroy my tax returns so that I don't have to do them.

Chiz: They call him The Destroyer because he provides tax breaks. Get it? He breaks which could be considered a synonym for destroys. Ahem, out of any three bloggers you follow (Excluding myself as it would be unfair), who would you screw/marry/kill? 

Addman: That's a shame because I would have picked you for all three. Like a Black Widow spider, I tend to eat my sexual partners after intercourse. We all get a little peckish after making love, but I don't just settle for a pizza...

Chiz: I’ll be on the next flight to London. Next question: If writing was karate, what color would your belt be?

Addman: I wouldn't have a belt. I'd be holding my trousers up with a kettle cord, hoping that they don't fall down whilst I attempted a Spinning Bird Kick that I learned from playing Street Fighter 2.

Ooo, that was refreshing, but unfortunately, that concludes the icebreaker portion of the interview. Phase 2: Activate!


Chiz: Describe your book in 5 words or less.

Addman: Funny eBook Please Buy Now

Chiz: My money's in hand. What inspired you to release this compilation?

Addman: I wanted to try my hand at becoming a published author. This way I can tell my family that I have made money off of Blogging, so they don't see it as a complete waste of time.

In all honesty, I've been writing articles over at my blog, Muppets For Justice for years. It just felt like a suitable time to compile them together, add in a few goodies to sweeten the deal, and see what this whole self-publishing thing is all about!

The book is essentially a "best of" album containing my favourite posts from Muppets For Justice. Most of these are short, 1000 word articles on a variety of different topics. It covers everything from demonic possession, to parkour, to cuddling. There should be something there for everyone.

It also includes a whole bunch of never before seen content, as a little sweetener. I figured that I couldn't sell a book with content that was available for free online, so as an incentive, if you like my brand of humour, you should enjoy all the new stuff in here. It's roughly 50% new words!


Chiz: Any chance of similar publications in the future? Perhaps a Muppets for Justice Almanac?

Addman: I doubt I will be doing an annual Muppets For Justice publication. If all goes well with this launch, I do intend to release other projects, but not under the Muppets For Justice banner.

Chiz: How many years did it take you to come up with the title, and what does it mean?

Addman: You mean Muppets For Justice? I was going to call it World Of Blancmange, but you know what people are like, they need everything spelling out for them.

Frankly, I just didn't know what else to call it. It's a collection of stuff from my Blog Muppets For Justice, so I've just called it Muppets For Justice.


Chiz: In the future, what do you hope to accomplish in the way if writing?

Addman: I'd be honoured if my book helped resolve world peace in some small way. Failing that, my raison d'etre is to make people laugh. If I'm not doing that, then I'm doing something wrong. I only want to entertain.

Chiz: Any words to those about to plunge into your book?


Addman: Frankly, I'm not sure what I'd think if I were reading these for the first time. Good luck, hope you enjoy it, and I hope your sanity doesn't leak out of your ears.

Chiz: Alright, Addman, that's all the questions I have for you, and thank you for including me in your blog tour. I wish you the best, and I have no doubt your eBook will rile the bellies of readers through fits of uncontrollable giggles.

And that concludes our interview for today. I hope you all managed to gather some blackmail material out of this interview for future use when Addman becomes a famous, rich, comedic icon.

And to save you the hassle of scrolling to the top of the post, here are the eBook links once again:

Click Here to Purchase the US version.
Click Here to Purchase the UK version.

Sunday, January 5, 2014

New Blog Template

I figured the old Chiz Chat template was getting a bit dark, dull, and dreary. So, I changed it to something a bit more cheerful. I figured black and grey isn't the best color scheme for, what I consider to be, a humor blog. If it hurts your eyes, then let me know, and I'll dial down the flair.

Otherwise, I hope you enjoy reading black text on a white background. I know it's a strange concept, but I hope you'll get used to it in due time.

There's really no other point to this post other than to draw attention to the fact that I put some effort into doing something other than actually making a legitimate post.

I'll have a new post on Friday, though. So, I've got that going for me.


Hope you all had a great holiday season!