Wednesday, August 20, 2014

The Inspiring Coach Barry

Recently, an inspiring video has been making the rounds about the internet, a video of an uplifting speech given by a constructive coach delivered to the disheartened lads of a devastating little league loss:


This video made me reminisce about an inspriational speech delivered by my little league coach years back. His name was Chuck Barry.


Listen kids, this ain’t the booze talking this time. This is me, Chuck Barry—sober Chuck Barry. My friends call me Chuck Sobarry—when I’m off the bottle, that is. But, you guys still have to call me Coach Barry regardless of my sobriety, even though the season’s over.

For years, I’ve been known as the friggin’ best damn real estate agent this side of Pembroke. But, I gave up that title—that oh-so cherished title—to spend time teaching you boys the ins and outs of America’s Pastime. Did you boys know that I lost a million-dollar buyer because I had to attend one of your regular season games? Huh...? Yes, I know Joey, all our games were regular season, but that’s beside the point. A big sale, out the window. A goddamn shame. Gah, I really could have used that money. But, I cared about you fellas more. But, damn I would’ve really liked that money.

Chuck Barry taught me to always shut the window. 

Anyway, look, what I’m trying to say is, you guys did great this season. I mean, all those losses were a letdown. Gahd, were they a letdown. I never once bet against you guys, which explains my current financial situation. Though, you should feel pride in that! I never vote for the underdog, but I made an exception, for you guys. Because I believed in you. Well, not now that the season’s over, but I did at one point.

Listen, you’re probably not going to remember any of this. This horrendous season will be nothing but a footnote in your biography, but believe me when I say, these are the best years of your lives... Yes, Billy, even you, sadly. Next thing you know, you’ll be all grown up, so sick of your home life that you agree to coach a little league baseball team just to get away from your walrus-of-a-wife for an hour. Smoking cigarettes on the bench, desperately wishing you have super vision so that you can see if Timmy’s mom’s bra strap is sticking out of her top again... Goddammit Timmy, it’s a metaphor.

"Goddamn my 13/19 vision." - Coach Barry

Anyway, great season boys. I would’ve liked to have seen you do better. Or even just good. But, let’s bring it in for one last huddle. Alright, boys, on three. One. Two... Yes, Corey. On three. No, let’s start over. One. Two. Three. Go Barry’s Badgers!

Alright, I hope to see some of you next year. Ah, ah, ah. Don’t leave yet. Look at the back of your uniforms. What do they say? That’s right: Sponsored by Chuck Barry Real Estate. Those shirts belong to me. I can return them for a fraction of their worth... Well, Billy. It’s not my fault that you didn’t wear an undershirt. Here’s a sweat rag to cover up those poker chips. Alright, boys. Don’t forget to give my number to your mothers. If they want to speak with me personally, tell them to come to the Trinity Pub. If I’m not there, I’m likely at the Pink Lady.

Alright. Good season, guys!

9 comments:

  1. I know nothing about this Based Ball you speak of, but I imagine that the fewer points you score, the better you are, right? It's like golf isn't it? If so, I think coach Barry can give up his real estate business and invest in these boys full time.

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    1. He first has to payoff the bookies or Brick Top will feed him to the pigs. Then, maybe he can start cashing some of those wins/losses in at the local dive bar.

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  2. You and I may have had the same coach. I think Chuck Sobarry was my basketball coach. "Here’s a sweat rag to cover up those poker chips," had me laughing. Well done.
    By the way, as inspiring as that coach is, I couldn't help but notice the vacant stares of the majority of the kids. They were lost, thinking about X-Box and internet porn 30 seconds into his speech.

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    1. Yeah, especially since no kid actually wants to play baseball. I remember picking dandelions in the outfield while kids struck out one after another after another... after another, praying to God that the coach would keep the speech short after the game so I can just go home.

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  3. As an Englishman, I'm not familiar with baseball, nor the coaches dispensing their wisdom during the breaks. One of out more famous football (soccer) coaches was Alex Ferguson who was renowned for throwing objects at any player he believed was not working hard enough - together, of course, with a series of expletives!

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    1. I suppose a lawn chair to the face is enough incentive to hustle your ass on the field. My American football coach would just scold those drinking water on the sidelines if he felt they didn't play well enough.

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  4. I love the comments from Englishmen not being familiar with baseball. As an American I'm not familiar with baseball either, but maybe that's because we have the Rockies here and even the most diehard Colorado baseball fans just pretend the Rockies don't exist. Uh, go Mets?

    Come to think of it, Coach Barry doesn't moonlight as the Rockies' coach, does he? It would make so much sense.

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    1. I don't think anyone actually enjoys baseball. I hardly go the Red Sox games, and I went recently only because I had free tickets to go. But, even the people decked out in Sox gear didn't look like they wanted to be there. Most of them spent more time taking selfies on their phone than watching the game. So, I don't think it's just the Rockies.

      But, Coach Barry recently moved out to Colorado, I heard. I think it was for the fact that he could smoke pot legally rather than coach baseball, though.

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  5. I hope you have better luck this season :)

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