Friday, July 18, 2014

Terence McGaffery, Motivational Speaker

I wake up every morning and boil my eggs in a vat of prairie dog venom. It may not be lethal to humans. Hell, it might not even exist. But, at least I know for a fact that it may be illegal in the states, and that’s pretty dangerous living, if I do say so.

"Man up, and say I'm fat." You tell 'em Chris! (Image Source)

Hi! My name is Terrence McGaffery, and I’m a Careless Crapshooter. An Optimistic  Opportunist. A Shill Dicer. A Five-Fanged Viper. A recently divorced father of six who has just been laid off from his job running price tags at K-Mart. And, yes, that also means that I’m recently single.

I’m here to tell you that life is like a box of fruit: Everything’s clearly labelled, and it’s your fault if you make the wrong decisions. But don’t fret! Today is your lucky day because I’m here to mentor the tens and tens of you on how to grab the reigns and finish the race. You may not win the race. You might not even place. But I assure you, you will finish. Just like that guy from that Cake song, you’ll be going the distance.

The first thing you’ll need before you’re sitting in God’s ivory tower like me is a proper wingman. Look around the room; there is no better man to qualify as your wingman as me. Therefore, after this assembly is dismissed, I’ll be waiting out back if you’re looking to hit up some clubs. Maybe even a simple pub for a drink. Or, a movie would suffice. Seize the night and revel in the light. Seriously, I’ll be your wingman, and you can be mine. I’m a really good wingman. Please.

(Image Source - will not disappoint)

Next, you’ll want to be confident. You think my wife left me because of my unremitting gambling addiction? No, she left me for her glowingly fit, sprightly personal trainer. She left me for a man so insecure, that he has to stay lean and muscular to maintain a positive body image. Not me. My body is the perfect representation of someone who is comfortable with himself. Not too obese, but also not too bald. You can achieve my physique with minimal effort.

Those muscles act as a cloak to conceal his insecurity. (Image Source)

Moving on, I’d like to touch on making intelligent career moves. If your boss is having a go at you for simply being merely three and a half hours late for only the second time that week, tell her to relax and ask her on a date. The worst thing could happen is that you’ll be fired, nothing to fuss over when the job market's as ripe as a carrot tree. Furthermore, I— Oh, boy. It seems that security has found someone hogtied in the back. Me? No, sir. I’m the real Terence McGaffery. An ID? Well, no, I—Uh. Are you sure that ID he has isn’t a fake? No? Well, folks,  it looks like their rushing me off the stage as I’ve eaten up most my time. Remember, I’ll be out back. I’ll pay halfsies on the cab. Please?

17 comments:

  1. Sign me up! I don't even have a body image to speak of so any body image would be an improvement. I'm really looking for self-improvement with minimal effort, so this is exciting.

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    1. I have a body image. I sent the image to Men's Health Magazine. They sent the image back and referred me to Men's Bass Fishing Magazine. I think that means I'm on track with McGaffery's plan.

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  2. I also like prairie dog venom with my Cake. We could be each others wing men. Or wing people if you ever decide to have gender reassignment surgery. We could be like Butch Cassidy and The Sundance Kid. Or Bonnie and Clyde. Or Thelma and Louise. Or Siegfried and Roy.

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    1. I could be the prairie dog venom to your Cake. Or the naked mole rat hair to your Meatloaf. Or the jellyfish eyelashes to your Red Hot Chili Peppers.

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  3. So many great lines in here. "Not too obese", "You think my wife left me because of my unremitting gambling addiction?", "A Five-Fanged Viper". Brilliant. Sign me up to whatever the hell it is you're promoting. I don't even care how much.

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    1. Luckily, all it costs is a promise. A promise to have a night out on the town with Terence McGaffery. It's a win-win. Please, Terence needs you. Please.

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  4. I stand here, a lean and fit young man with a thick head of hair. Hair so thick that my barber should by all rights charge me twice for hacking off as much as he does just to give me a trim, and I wish upon wish that I could be a not too obese, not too bald, straight shooter like Terence McGaffery. But we weren't all destined for greatness, it seems.

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    1. Luckily for you, it's super easy. Take what you do now, and just do the opposite. You like to go on hikes? Not now, you don't. You now like to go on sits. It's as easy as that.

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    2. It works! I'm taking a huge sit right now!

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    3. Hopefully it's right next to the fridge because that's how you maximize your efficiency... or lack thereof.

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  5. What? He's single? That can't be. Hot damn, hold me back!
    Oh, wait a minute, you're talking about the big fat guy with his tongue hanging out of his mouth and a gnarly comb-over, not the muscular hottie, aren't you? Not nice, Chiz. Not nice at all.

    PS When you get a chance, and because I can't find your email here, would you kindly email me at Rawknrobyn@aol.com? No worries, I just have a question. I'm innocent, or so I like to claim. Thanks.

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    1. Why would you want that insecure, muscular, godlike man, when you can have a pudgy, bald man who's comfortable in his own body. Right? Terence McGaffery is clearly the better option.

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  6. PS Never mind. I was gonna ask you about a beer from Mass called Chocolate Sombrero, Clown Shoes. Found out where I can get it - SF Bay Area, 150 miles away. But I go down there sometimes. Have you tried it? It's the only good chocolate beer I've ever tasted. The chocolate beer our beer buds sent me tasted horrid, and I told them I'd be researching this one...Anyway, have a good weekend.

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    1. I've heard of Clown Shoes, but I've never actually tried any of the flavors before. You can try Shocktop's Chocolate Wheat. When I got it, it came in a six-pack with 3 Chocolate Wheats and 3 Belgian Whites. The box said it was best that I mixed them together, which I did. It was pretty damn good. Though, I'm not sure what the Chocolate Wheat would taste like on it's own. Probably much stronger.

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    2. Sounds great. I'll keep that combination in mind. Thanks.

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  7. This guy sounds like my kind of fitness trainer. I've always believed those fanatical gym-attenders were lacking something other than fat.

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    1. Yep, he may be thinner than Terence, but the weight of all those insecurities makes him spiritually obese. Terence has the right frame of mind.

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