Sunday, July 13, 2014

Mystery Box of Awesomeness Unboxing

Attention, readers! I have a very important announcement.

No, much more important than any of these headlines.

I have received the Mystery Box of Awesomeness!

As I'm sure all of you have heard, Brandon and Bryan over at A Beer for The Shower had announced the results for their contest recently. As promised, I have created a post to sing praises about the awesome goodies graciously given to me by The Beer Boys and make you all green-eyed at what could've been yours, if you had participated harder than me in the contest.


I decided the best place to open the box was in the kitchen, in case the Mystery Box of Awesomeness was housing a juicy filet mignon. That way I could eat it before it got cold. Unfortunately, I was made instantly aware that the box did not contained a steaming segment of cow as my girlfriend tore into the box with the furiosity of a carpet viper thinking it was Mario Kart 8, informing me that no such smells were emanating from the box.


Upon lifting the box flaps, I was greeted my a letter. Now, you're probably wondering why I blurred out the body of the letter. The will of my conscience prevailed. I could not allow myself to post the shockingly depraved sexual language contained within this letter. It's enough to make 50 Shades of Gray look like The Giving Tree


After getting over the confused feelings brought on by the perfume-laden letter, I moved onto my next gift. I finally have a wooden, unisex drawing doll. It couldn't have come at a better time because those bodies in my basement were really starting to stink. I figured I call her/him Grephyliax, a common, non-gender-specific name. If you guys don't recognize this doll, then you're missing out on a really great short story collection by Brandon and Bryan called The Graveyard Shift



Sweet nectar was the next thing to flow forth from the box. The Beer Boys sent we a few of their favorite brews. They-erm-hand-delivered them to me seeing as it's illegal to send beer through the mail. They tasted perfectly legal to me.


Nothing better to wash away the regret from rifling those four beers down my gullet than soap made from beer. Never have I thought to absorb beer through my pores. This will be a riveting experiment. The soap smells like a mixture of lumberjack musk and pine.


Yes, finally, they too see that my influence in the literature field is on the rise. They were smart to give me their business card. And what's this on the back? A link to a new blog banner! Yup, in case you don't feel like scrolling back to the top of the page, Brandon and Bryan were kind enough to design me a new banner:

And last, but certainly not least.


The Beer Boys are cooking up a new book and allowed me to catch a glimpse of the work-in-progress. Unfortunately, I haven't had a chance to read it yet because I got back from camping about an hour ago, but I read through the first page and a half, and it pains me knowing that you guys will have to wait a little longer for the finished product because it was splendid, to say the least.

I would again like to thank Brandon and Bryan for holding the contest. On top of free laughs, The Beer Boys have delivered a plethora of great gifts. I hope this has convinced many of you to take full advantage of the entries options if these guys choose to hold another contest.

Thanks again to the authors at A Beer for The Shower, and if for whatever reason you're following me and not them, then take a peak at what they have to offer; you'll need no further convincing.

14 comments:

  1. That's cool!

    They should have just sent you a box full of magnets.

    The post office people really like that. Someone will come by your house to talk to you about it and everything!

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    1. I sure could use some more company. I think that's a good way to make some friends because they'll have an obligation to be at my house.

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  2. Beer soap! I want some. Does it cure constipation?

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    1. Constipation and degradation. There's no limits to what it cures.

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  3. The mannequin's actually helping you? No, no, that's not what he's supposed to do. You should be dead or at least badly mangled by now. Err, I mean... I'm glad you're enjoying your winnings.

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    1. The mini-assassin was quickly subdued when I offered him one of the beers you sent over. And yep, starting to read Tuck Watley, and I'm definitely buying a copy as soon as you release it.

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  4. No wonder I had two juicy filet mignons - guess I got yours too in my Mystery Box. Both were delicious. Those guys did it right. As I told them, too, Tuck is the funniest story I've ever read. You'll love it.

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    1. I started reading it, and it's a great story so far. And, that's okay, you can just send me another filet mignon at your earliest convenience.

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    2. It's on its way. That'll cost $1.32. (I'm gonna stash the money away for their next contest.)

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    3. Ah, that's unreasonable. I'll give you $1.33, and that's my final offer.

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  5. Sounds like a cool box of goodies. I wish I could read that love letter you've received, if only to see how it stacks up with the one I was going to send you.

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    1. Well, I'm always accepting love letters. I'm not a whore or anything; I just like to... I don't know. Maybe I am just a whore.

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  6. LOVE the goodies and the new banner! :) Enjoy the brewskis.

    -Barb

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    1. Yeah, I'm pretty excited about all the goodies. Just had the last of the beers yesterday. They sure know how to brew a good beer in Colorado.

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