Attention, readers! I have a very important announcement.
No, much more important than any of these headlines.
I have received the Mystery Box of Awesomeness!
As I'm sure all of you have heard, Brandon and Bryan over at A Beer for The Shower had announced the results for their contest recently. As promised, I have created a post to sing praises about the awesome goodies graciously given to me by The Beer Boys and make you all green-eyed at what could've been yours, if you had participated harder than me in the contest.
I decided the best place to open the box was in the kitchen, in case the Mystery Box of Awesomeness was housing a juicy filet mignon. That way I could eat it before it got cold. Unfortunately, I was made instantly aware that the box did not contained a steaming segment of cow as my girlfriend tore into the box with the furiosity of a carpet viper thinking it was Mario Kart 8, informing me that no such smells were emanating from the box.
Upon lifting the box flaps, I was greeted my a letter. Now, you're probably wondering why I blurred out the body of the letter. The will of my conscience prevailed. I could not allow myself to post the shockingly depraved sexual language contained within this letter. It's enough to make 50 Shades of Gray look like The Giving Tree.
After getting over the confused feelings brought on by the perfume-laden letter, I moved onto my next gift. I finally have a wooden, unisex drawing doll. It couldn't have come at a better time because those bodies in my basement were really starting to stink. I figured I call her/him Grephyliax, a common, non-gender-specific name. If you guys don't recognize this doll, then you're missing out on a really great short story collection by Brandon and Bryan called The Graveyard Shift.
Sweet nectar was the next thing to flow forth from the box. The Beer Boys sent we a few of their favorite brews. They-erm-hand-delivered them to me seeing as it's illegal to send beer through the mail. They tasted perfectly legal to me.
Nothing better to wash away the regret from rifling those four beers down my gullet than soap made from beer. Never have I thought to absorb beer through my pores. This will be a riveting experiment. The soap smells like a mixture of lumberjack musk and pine.
Yes, finally, they too see that my influence in the literature field is on the rise. They were smart to give me their business card. And what's this on the back? A link to a new blog banner! Yup, in case you don't feel like scrolling back to the top of the page, Brandon and Bryan were kind enough to design me a new banner:
And last, but certainly not least.
The Beer Boys are cooking up a new book and allowed me to catch a glimpse of the work-in-progress. Unfortunately, I haven't had a chance to read it yet because I got back from camping about an hour ago, but I read through the first page and a half, and it pains me knowing that you guys will have to wait a little longer for the finished product because it was splendid, to say the least.
I would again like to thank Brandon and Bryan for holding the contest. On top of free laughs, The Beer Boys have delivered a plethora of great gifts. I hope this has convinced many of you to take full advantage of the entries options if these guys choose to hold another contest.
Thanks again to the authors at A Beer for The Shower, and if for whatever reason you're following me and not them, then take a peak at what they have to offer; you'll need no further convincing.