Friday, July 18, 2014

Terence McGaffery, Motivational Speaker

I wake up every morning and boil my eggs in a vat of prairie dog venom. It may not be lethal to humans. Hell, it might not even exist. But, at least I know for a fact that it may be illegal in the states, and that’s pretty dangerous living, if I do say so.

"Man up, and say I'm fat." You tell 'em Chris! (Image Source)

Hi! My name is Terrence McGaffery, and I’m a Careless Crapshooter. An Optimistic  Opportunist. A Shill Dicer. A Five-Fanged Viper. A recently divorced father of six who has just been laid off from his job running price tags at K-Mart. And, yes, that also means that I’m recently single.

I’m here to tell you that life is like a box of fruit: Everything’s clearly labelled, and it’s your fault if you make the wrong decisions. But don’t fret! Today is your lucky day because I’m here to mentor the tens and tens of you on how to grab the reigns and finish the race. You may not win the race. You might not even place. But I assure you, you will finish. Just like that guy from that Cake song, you’ll be going the distance.

The first thing you’ll need before you’re sitting in God’s ivory tower like me is a proper wingman. Look around the room; there is no better man to qualify as your wingman as me. Therefore, after this assembly is dismissed, I’ll be waiting out back if you’re looking to hit up some clubs. Maybe even a simple pub for a drink. Or, a movie would suffice. Seize the night and revel in the light. Seriously, I’ll be your wingman, and you can be mine. I’m a really good wingman. Please.

(Image Source - will not disappoint)

Next, you’ll want to be confident. You think my wife left me because of my unremitting gambling addiction? No, she left me for her glowingly fit, sprightly personal trainer. She left me for a man so insecure, that he has to stay lean and muscular to maintain a positive body image. Not me. My body is the perfect representation of someone who is comfortable with himself. Not too obese, but also not too bald. You can achieve my physique with minimal effort.

Those muscles act as a cloak to conceal his insecurity. (Image Source)

Moving on, I’d like to touch on making intelligent career moves. If your boss is having a go at you for simply being merely three and a half hours late for only the second time that week, tell her to relax and ask her on a date. The worst thing could happen is that you’ll be fired, nothing to fuss over when the job market's as ripe as a carrot tree. Furthermore, I— Oh, boy. It seems that security has found someone hogtied in the back. Me? No, sir. I’m the real Terence McGaffery. An ID? Well, no, I—Uh. Are you sure that ID he has isn’t a fake? No? Well, folks,  it looks like their rushing me off the stage as I’ve eaten up most my time. Remember, I’ll be out back. I’ll pay halfsies on the cab. Please?

Sunday, July 13, 2014

Mystery Box of Awesomeness Unboxing

Attention, readers! I have a very important announcement.

No, much more important than any of these headlines.

I have received the Mystery Box of Awesomeness!

As I'm sure all of you have heard, Brandon and Bryan over at A Beer for The Shower had announced the results for their contest recently. As promised, I have created a post to sing praises about the awesome goodies graciously given to me by The Beer Boys and make you all green-eyed at what could've been yours, if you had participated harder than me in the contest.

I decided the best place to open the box was in the kitchen, in case the Mystery Box of Awesomeness was housing a juicy filet mignon. That way I could eat it before it got cold. Unfortunately, I was made instantly aware that the box did not contained a steaming segment of cow as my girlfriend tore into the box with the furiosity of a carpet viper thinking it was Mario Kart 8, informing me that no such smells were emanating from the box.

Upon lifting the box flaps, I was greeted my a letter. Now, you're probably wondering why I blurred out the body of the letter. The will of my conscience prevailed. I could not allow myself to post the shockingly depraved sexual language contained within this letter. It's enough to make 50 Shades of Gray look like The Giving Tree

After getting over the confused feelings brought on by the perfume-laden letter, I moved onto my next gift. I finally have a wooden, unisex drawing doll. It couldn't have come at a better time because those bodies in my basement were really starting to stink. I figured I call her/him Grephyliax, a common, non-gender-specific name. If you guys don't recognize this doll, then you're missing out on a really great short story collection by Brandon and Bryan called The Graveyard Shift

Sweet nectar was the next thing to flow forth from the box. The Beer Boys sent we a few of their favorite brews. They-erm-hand-delivered them to me seeing as it's illegal to send beer through the mail. They tasted perfectly legal to me.

Nothing better to wash away the regret from rifling those four beers down my gullet than soap made from beer. Never have I thought to absorb beer through my pores. This will be a riveting experiment. The soap smells like a mixture of lumberjack musk and pine.

Yes, finally, they too see that my influence in the literature field is on the rise. They were smart to give me their business card. And what's this on the back? A link to a new blog banner! Yup, in case you don't feel like scrolling back to the top of the page, Brandon and Bryan were kind enough to design me a new banner:

And last, but certainly not least.

The Beer Boys are cooking up a new book and allowed me to catch a glimpse of the work-in-progress. Unfortunately, I haven't had a chance to read it yet because I got back from camping about an hour ago, but I read through the first page and a half, and it pains me knowing that you guys will have to wait a little longer for the finished product because it was splendid, to say the least.

I would again like to thank Brandon and Bryan for holding the contest. On top of free laughs, The Beer Boys have delivered a plethora of great gifts. I hope this has convinced many of you to take full advantage of the entries options if these guys choose to hold another contest.

Thanks again to the authors at A Beer for The Shower, and if for whatever reason you're following me and not them, then take a peak at what they have to offer; you'll need no further convincing.