Friday, May 30, 2014

Zero-Tolerance Dark Thirty

Mrs. Higgens, Ms. Tremblay, and Mr. Polksy tried to suppress their heavy breathing. Their bowels moved with the furiously of a tsunami. How could they gain control over the situation, if they couldn’t even control their own bodily functions?
Principal Hutchens arrived at the scene. He quickly took up position beside the entrance to the cafeteria, alongside Mrs. Higgens, Ms. Tremblay, and Mr. Polksy. “What’s the situation?” he gravely inquired.
“One perpetrator. Armed. Several hostages,” huffed Mr. Polksy.
“Be precise, damn it!” demanded the principal, “How many hostages are we talkin’?”
“The entire third and fourth-grade class,” Ms. Tremblay said while fighting back a sob.
“What’s he armed with?” the principal became irritated over the swift, unproductive responses.
“A… A handgun,” Mrs. Higgens managed to stutter. He body lurched forward as she let out a sob.
“But what kind, Mrs. Higgens!”
“I don’t know,” she cried.
The principal smacked her across the face. It looked like she’d been painted red as she reeled back in disbelief.
“Have all our drills been for naught? Can any one of you imbeciles at least tell me what he’s packing in the magazine?” The principal’s face was nearly purple, like a pink Easter egg that got a little purple on it by accident because someone wasn’t paying attention! Now we have to paint the eggs all over again, thanks to that someone! Anyway…
Mr. Polksy nervously leaned toward Principal Hutchens. “He’s packing major heat, sir. You might not want to hear this, but it’s… peanut butter and jelly.”
“Oh, Lord. This makes the Pop Tart handgun incident look like a pastrywalk.” The principal wiped a bead of sweat from his forehead. All of a sudden, an idea hit him like a ton of shrimp. He quickly devised a plan. Gathering everyone close, he carefully went over the strategy that’d take this mad kid down.

~30 EXCRUCIATING SECONDS LATER~
“Now!” shouted the principal.
The squadron of teachers burst through the cafeteria entrance like rhinoceroses through a cafeteria entrance. Mr. Polksy took lead and grabbed a nearby chair. Little Susie fell to the ground—having so recently been thrown off a chair—and let out a painful cry. Mr. Polksy paid no mind, knowing that if this plan was successfully executed, she’d be thanking him for saving her and her classmates. When he got close enough to the perpetrator, a young Billy Preston, he launched the chair at his head as if he were an Olympic shot-putter. The back leg of the chair tore through Billy’s temple as he came crashing to the ground in a flurry of tears and child blood.
The cafeteria fell still. Mrs. Higgens, Ms. Tremblay, and Principal Hutchens threw up their hands in disbelief. They cheered, knowing well that it was no longer necessary for them to follow through with their part of the plan
Mr. Polksy dove on the peanut-butter-and-jelly-shaped handgun and bit off a bit of the barrel. He hell what remained above his head in triumph. "Look kids! It's no longer a handgun! It's kind of like a boomerang or the corner of a square! Nothing to fear!"
In the end, young Billy Preston was sentence to a 2-days suspension, and Mr. Polksy was fired for having interacted with a kid in an nonacademic way.
If you're confused, I based this little tidbit off of this news story: 

P.S. I apologize for my absencea nd this half-assed post. Aside from staying late and attempting to cover ground after a system failure at work, I've been putting more time into my WIP. I will continue to read your blogs, though, and I apologize again if I haven't had a chance to read any of your posts recently. I'll get on that once a free-up on time.

18 comments:

  1. This was pretty funny. There's no need to apologise for it. Given the state of American schools lately it might not be too extreme to get rid of anything vaguely gun shaped. Shame it's rarely ever a gun.

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    1. Yeah, I've seen an increasing occurrence of children being suspended for making their thumb and finer into a gun (which I can see, if the child was doing it as a threatening manner).

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  2. This was good, I'd consider it whole-assed, both cheeks. The original story I don't believe. There has to be more to it that the news outlet is deliberately leaving out so that they can stir up some click-bait. There has to be more, that kid looks like a little asshole that was probably doing some little asshole things.
    Also, I have a quesadilla gatling-gun used during the Prohibition era by Al Capone himself, displayed on my bookshelf in case anyone needs it.

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    1. There's usually something else going on beyond the headline. I suppose it was less threatening having a Pop Tart in hand rather than the generic-brand toaster pastries. Those generic-brand toaster pastries tend to misfire and are extremely sensitive.

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  3. The weapon in question was later eaten and reported by all to be delicious.

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    1. I wonder if the kid was allowed to finish the pastry? Or will it be locked in an evidence room for eternity? If charges are dismissed, will he receive it back?

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  4. Don't apologise. This was a fun post. However, why are they making pastries in the shape of guns? Is it acceptable to shoot read hot jam down your own throat?

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    1. Probably for the same reason I chew my morning toast into a comb, to brush my hair. There's something sinister about that kid.

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  5. No need for apologies Chiz. For a 'half-assed' post, this was pretty funny. Mind you, I would have suspended the kid just for eating a pop tart. Not my favourite pastry. And how the hell does a mountain end up looking like a gun?? I think someone may have smoked a dubious looking cigarette before they signed in for work that day.

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    1. Thanks, Lily! And, I think you're onto something. I think drugs may have been the real crime, here.

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  6. Pop tart gun violence perpetrators definitely deserve to have chairs thrown throughout their stupid violent heads.

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    1. I agree. Too bad he went down after only one chair.

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  7. "A flurry of tears and child blood" may be one of the best descriptions I've ever read. I can totally picture that little gun-toting monster eating chair with the back of his head.

    When I was a little kid I liked to run around and point my finger like it was a gun. I'm just glad no one ever caught me and cut off my fingers, as I assume they do in schools now.

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    1. Hell, I shot pencils from rubber bands like I was Rambo. I'm lucky I wasn't gunned down.

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  8. That little kid, with Charlie Brown eyes and a Dennis the Menace haircut, does resemble a cereal killer.
    Hi, Chiz. I'm the other winner of BnB's mystery box of awesomeness, so I felt it only appropriate to join your clan.
    Good luck with your WIP. You're a quick wit.

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    1. Thanks, Rawknrobyn!

      Just found out about your blog today. Decided to join your ranks as well after reading your hilarious Mystery Box of Awesomeness acceptance speech.

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  9. And a good thing too. This type of violence with pastry has got to be nipped in the bud or toasted at the start, What will happen next, actual pea shooters, carrot STICKS, or drumstick clubs? Nothing is too drastic to protect little Susie and little Johnny from needless acts of aggression, save that for later when they get home and watch a cartoon or too.

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    1. The produce section of the grocery store is quickly becoming the most dangerous place on Earth.

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