Thursday, April 3, 2014

299


Leonidas: This is where we hold them! This is where we fight! This is where they die!

Captain: Arm these shields, boys!

Uncredited Spartan Soldiers: Haoo!

Leonidas: Remember this day, men. For it will be yo— Wait a second. Has anyone seen Jerry?

Captain: He should be here. I sent out a reminder to everyone on Scrivver.

Astinos: Ugh! Father, he’s not following you on Scrivver. Hardly anyone uses Scrivver anymore. I told you to set up a MyPlate!

Leonidas: Are you serious? The Persians are, like, right over there, you guys.  

Captain: I’m sorry, my liege. I wasn’t aware that Jerry was still living in the Bronze Age! We’ve known about this for weeks. He should’ve etched it in his planner.

Astinos: Father, MyPlate is all the rage, now. Scrivver is so last span. Isn’t that right, Spartans?

Uncredited Spartan Soldiers: Haoo!

Leonidas: Quiet, the lot of you! Our phalanx remains incomplete; we have to think of a plan. We can’t go limp in front of Xerxes. Not now.

Astinos: I hear he has GOM.

Leonidas: What in the seven hells is that?

Captain: Greek Overnight Messenger. It’s some retro bull crap from the 500s. Only hipsters and geezers use it nowadays.

Astinos: Says the man with nine different Scrivver handles.

Captain: My liege, I may have a suggestion. Is it possible that we may replace Jerry’s position with one of the Arcadians?

Leonidas: You can’t be serious. We’re called the 300, not the 299 and the Arcadian puss. Those nerds don’t even lift.

Captain: What other option do we have?

Astinos: Well, father, you can hit up that bulbous mutant, Ephialtes, you seem to always be chatting up on Scrivver.

Leonidas: Ew, no. I’d rather die in a volley of arrows than be within eyeshot of that thing.

Captain: Eh, well, we could alw—

Leonidas: Screw it, no. We’ll be fine. One Spartan is equal to about, like, 333.33-repeating Persians. All we have to do is cover the difference, and we’ll be fine. About 1.12 more kills per Spartan. You think we can do that?

Captain: Wow, my liege. I didn’t know you were such a…

Leonidas: Genius?

Captain: Nerd!

Astinos: What a nerd!

Uncredited Spartan Soldiers: Nerd! Haoo!

19 comments:

  1. This makes me really want to go into all of my home videos and family albums and CGI (okay, draw with a magic marker) in some abs on everyone.

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    1. I wouldn't be surprised if you found out someone had dug up the old photo albums and did it already.

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  2. I think they cut this out in the editing stage. Too bad, it was an interesting side plot.

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    1. Clearly, the studio made them cut out all the best parts. They probably own Scrivver and didn't want the bad PR.

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    2. I heard MyPlate invested a lot in order to have this product placement in the movie. Unfortunately, they were forced to pull their funding when this scene was struck from the film. This movie could have had so much more slow motion fights scenes if they had just saved this scene.

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  3. Pah! All the cool kids are using FacePapyrus. You're all soooo BC it's ridiculous.

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    1. The Athenians are undoubtedly all about FacePapyrus.

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  4. And then, after finding out he was a nerd, Leonidas's men betrayed him and gave him a wedgie on a spear. It went badly and he didn't survive the experience. Luckily the remaining 298 men were enough to win the war.

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    1. They all strive for a "glorious death". What's more glorious than having your anus ruptured by your own underwear. Hell, I'd be talking about that until the day I died. A death like that would never hide from the history books.

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  5. I still have an active MyPlate account. Not much activity on it though. Where'd everybody go now??

    Elsie
    AJ's wHooligan in the A-Z Challenge

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    1. Unfortunately, MyPlate has fallen second to MySlate. The new and imporved social networking tablet.

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  6. I played intramural basketball in high school and we made our own jerseys. The number on the back of my jersey was 0.33-repeating. But I was not a nerd!

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    1. Was there someone on the shirt with pi on the back of their jersey? If so, maybe that'd explain it.

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  7. Man, what a nerd. I hope Xerxes pulled Leonidas's loin cloth over his head and then gave him a rousing round of "quit hitting yourself, nerd. Quit hitting yourself."

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    1. "A thousand nations of the Persian empire will descend upon you. Our spitballs will blot out the sun and, like, totally get stuck in your hair, you nerd!"

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  8. I take it Phlitter hasn't gone mainstream yet? Those Spartans are so behind!

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    1. Phlitter has too many Athenian accounts. The Spartans don't want anything to do with those nerds.

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