Wednesday, March 5, 2014

The Illumin-Oscars

After watching the Oscars, or, well, reading about the results the next day, my discriminating eyes couldn't help but detect the overwhelming appearance of Illuminati symbols throughout the ceremony. I know this subject—much like that ten-year old scab on your upper thigh/groinis one that should be left alone, but the potential consequences of this blog post bear no weight against the tension that builds on my soul. These secrets desire—nay, need to see the light of day.

Therefore, I shall break down just a few of the Illuminati symbols that aired unapologetically and defiantly before the eyes of the entire human race.

The Pizza Guy

Red and white, representing the duality of Heaven and Hell.

This was undoubtedly the most abundantly clear Illuminati ritual of the evening. Overlooking the obvious red attire representing the pizza boy's alliance with Satan, what food item embodies the command structure of the Illuminati more than pizza?

The triangular, pyramid-like shape of a slice of pizza represents the top-down command structure adopted by the Illuminati. Seeing the celebrities, or should I say Illuminati puppets, consuming these brainwashing and possibly mind-controlling slices of pizza was almost enough to make me get up off my couch and do something, almost.

John Travolta's Idina Menzel "Flub"

Adele Dazim? How do you get that monstrosity out of "Idina Menzel"? Wow, Travolta, I don't think I've heard a flub that bad since Rutherford Hayes capsized his canoe while taking the Delaware in 1942. Or... was it really a flub to begin with? With the pressure of my sound, focused curiosity, I decided to run "Adele Dazim" through the Google Translate database.

Aha, just as I thought. It wasn't a flub at all; it was an incantation. He was calling upon the Illuminati officers and his reptilian brothers to begin their incursion against those who seek to unveil the atrocities forming behind-the-scenes at the Illuminati headquarters, located 5 million miles below sea-level. 

Overwhelming Presence of Skulls

A common tool in nearly every Illuminati ritual is a skull. Being a symbol of mortality, skulls are used to initiate new members into the Illuminati.

And where were these skulls present at the Oscars, one may ask...?

Baw, that's cute. They think they're normal.

That's right, the celebripuppets smuggled them into the event inside of their heads. How sick and twisted can one be? I've heard of sneaking candy into a movie theater inside your pockets, but never have I heard of using your head as a pocket to smuggle skulls into a highly prestigious, televised event.

Now, if a blog post featuring such significant evidence doesn't wake you up, then I feel sorry for you. The Illuminati has the human race by the balls. 

So, let me ask you this, World, are you ready to take your balls back?