Monday, December 23, 2013

The Year Christmas Was Canceled

Elroy the Elf: Santa, we seem to have encountered several complications heading into the holiday season.
Santa Claus: Not something I want to hear two days before Christmas. What seems to be the problem, Elroy?
Elroy the Elf: Well, uh, the President has passed a bill banning wasteful expenditure of fossil fuels.
Santa Claus: And why is this important?
Elroy the Elf: Coal is what fills the stockings of children on the Naughty List.
Santa Claus: Ah, nothing we can’t handle. Just give the naughty kids the stiff stockings soiled by Young Saint Nick. Sand them down a bit, though. We don’t want anyone slicing an artery on those concrete cum rags. What’s next?
Elroy the Elf: Err, okay. Well, there seems to have been new exposure to the law Stand Your Ground. People are more prone to exercise their rights in the wake of recent events, for no other reason than they get off on the idea of shooting someone. So, I’d be careful when breaking into homes to leave presents.
Santa Claus: I’m not breaking into these homes, Elroy. I’m simply dropping by and gracing them with my goodwill. Besides, who’s going to shoot a jolly, old, white man?
Elroy the Elf: Uh, actually…
Santa Claus: What?
Elroy the Elf: Erm, recent studies have determined you to be of Middle Eastern decent.
Santa Claus: I’m a terrorist?!
Elroy the Elf: Whoa, Santa, don’t you think that’s a little racist?
Santa Claus: I was born in the U.S.!
Elroy the Elf: You’re image was born in the U.S., the Coca-Cola factory to be precise. But, you’re Saint Nicholas don’t you remember? You were born in what’s now modern day Turkey.
Santa Claus: Oh, boy. I’m feeling faint. Next thing you’re going to tell me is Christmas is canceled.
Elroy the Elf: Well, not canceled per se…
Santa Claus: What are you getting at?
Elroy the Elf: The reindeer have formed a union. They refuse to guide the sleigh unless their wages are increased.
Santa Claus: Wages? I don’t pay them!
Elroy the Elf: Yeah, and that’s illegal. In fact, the Department of Labor is putting a stop to all toy production and launching a full-scale investigation.
Santa Claus: Well, that’s it, I suppose. No presents for the good little boys and girls this year. Hope you’re happy, Elroy.
Elroy the Elf: I didn’t do anything.
Santa Claus: I suppose it’s for the best. It’s time we start recognizing the holiday for what it truly is: Jesus’ birthday.
Elroy the Elf: Actually, Jesus wasn’t born in Decemb—
Santa Claus: That’s it! I’m out. If you need me I’ll be in Hawaii.

Monday, December 16, 2013

The Winter Blues

Dear Journal,

I know it’s been a while since my last entry. It’s been snowing nonstop lately, and I don’t think the condition of the roads will grant me safe passage to Walgreen’s to pick up another pen. Though, I found that if you leave out a bucket of paint to dry, crush it up into a powder, and use a straw to blow the remnants onto a piece of paper, it’s just like using a pen. Some of the paint has found its way in my nose and mouth, but I don’t think it’s as harmful as people make it out to be. Hell, weren’t they concerned about cocaine being used as an ingredient in Coca Cola about 20 years ago? It’s the 21st century, and not a soul has died from drinking cocaine.

Winter hasn’t even officially begun yet, and I’m already eagerly awaiting its departure. Just the other day I was tablespooning my driveway (It’s a crime how much they charge for shovels), and I noticed the neighborhood children had erected a snow statue in my image. I politely asked them to disassemble the snow statue, but they had undertaken a false conviction that it was “just a regular snowman.” I will have no one plagiarizing my image. That’s how fan fictions are born, and I will not be subjected to the overtly sexual themes of internet fan fiction.

My nose is orange do to a rare strain of jaundice.

I’ve been suspended from work for the second December in a row. This time it was for pushing Wendy down at the office holiday party. But I saw what she contributed to the Yankee Swap. The Yankee Swap explicitly stated that the gifts were to be $15 to $20, yet I saw the Purple Rain box set on sale at WalMart for $14. She had nothing to lose.

Luckily, my suspension will give me plenty of time to tunnel out my military mine under the neighborhood children’s “snowman”. I can’t wait to see the look on their faces when they awake one December morning to find a chasm replacing the spot once held by their mocking snow statue.

Until this winter has come and passed, I shall put all my effort into thwarting the cruel insults of the neighborhood children. Except when I’m in court fighting off the restraining order with which Wendy seeks to bind me.