Wednesday, March 27, 2013

Video Games: Altering Perceptions of Reality

Recently, video games have been gaining some flack in the media. Some believe that increases in societal  violence are the result of overly graphic video games transcending their virtual boundaries and extending into reality through the fragile minds of our younger generation. So, in hopes of jumping on the media bandwagon and receiving a fat stack of cash, I've decided to do a bit of research of my own.

I turned first to a series of video games so popular that it is single-handedly responsible for doubling the sale of psychiatric medication: Pokemon. Pokemon is a strategy-based game where the player crams cute, little wilderness creatures into baseball-sized containment capsules. These animals are then called upon to fight one another in hopes that they'll be fortunate to see the light of another day. The goal of this game is to be the very best, like no one ever was. To catch them is their real test; to train them is their cause.

Fight animals to gain fame and wealth. Source

As I traveled across the internet, searching far and wide, I came across a very familiar article dating back to 2007 centering around the NFL player Michael Vick. This man pleaded guilty to running a dog fighting ring out of his backyard.

I could only find this picture of Chris Rock on steroids.
Granted, Michael Vick looks very similar. Source

Intrigued, I decided to give the man a ring. It took much coaxing to convince this man to disclose the required information. After describing the following is our conversation:

Me: Greetings, Mr. Vick. This is Chiz, the famous author of the sensational blog Chiz Chat. With readers nearly reaching the double-digits, I figured mine was the best forum to convey the importance of video game violence awareness.
Mr. Vick: I don't play video games.
Me: Now that there is a bold-faced lie, sir. I've seen you in the Madden franchise. How can you be in a video game yet not play them? In fact, I've found your dog fighting venture closely resembled the concept of a world-renowned video game. Mr. Vick, have you ever played Pokemon?
Mr. Vick: No.
Me: No? But, if you had to choose a favorite video game, would the likelihood of you choosing Pokemon be great?

Unfortunately, at this point in the interview we were somehow disconnected (An audible clicking sound followed by dead air), but it's more than a gut-instinct that leads me to believe his answer was going to be a Yes. Therefore, it is conclusive that since his favorite video game involves the ruthless abuse of cute critters, he subconsciously carried out his virtual desire into reality.

But, I decided that I'd need one more piece of evidence if I wanted this story to go public (double the evidence that's required for normal news stories). So I headed to the community playground to interview one of the many nerds that frequent the jungle gyms.

 
An accurate portrayal of me at the playground. Source

I surveyed the park looking for the best interviewee when my eyes fell upon a girl sitting atop the slide playing a Nintendo DS. Before her mother maced me, phoned the police, and chased me out of the playground with a swiss army knife, I managed to get quite a bit of harrowing information from her.

Me: Hello, what do you got there?
Girl: My mom said not to talk to strangers.
Me: You mean you don't recognize me? I'm the author of the wildly successful Chiz Chat! I have tens of followers!
Girl: My mom said not to talk to strangers.
Me: Right, you already said that, but I'm an adult, so it's okay. So, what's that game you're playing?
Girl: It's Pony Friends.

The controversial game about horse mating. Source

Me: Pony Friends. Fantastic. Say, do you ever find this game transcending its virtual realm into your own reality?
Girl: What...? Where's my mom?
Me: Hmm... Let me try a different approach. What do you want to be when you are older?
Girl: I want to train ponies! A pony trainer!
Me: Aha! Now we're getting somewhere. And, if you could be any animal, what would be you're foremost choice?
Girl: A pony!
Me: So, you'd agree that the content of Pony Friends is leaking out of that cartridge and manifesting itself into your own reality?

However, this was around the time her mother assaulted me unprovoked; so I was unable to garner a confirmation. Though, I knew beyond doubt that I had gotten through to the girl.

As you can see, with the help of this overwhelmingly concrete evidence, video games actually do influence peoples' perceptions of reality. Therefore, wouldn't you agree that it's well overdue that these mind-altering mechanisms be banned and replaced by less harmful substances such as reality television and teen magazines? I'll let you decide.

Monday, March 11, 2013

Fashion Faux Paws

Animals with inflated egos are rapidly taking the reins of the internet and steering it in a direction many find unnerving. That's why Addman at Muppets for Justice and I decided to scrutinize these egotistical and vain animals, taking them down a peg in hopes of somehow rescuing the internet before irreversible damage befalls it. None of the previous statements are true; we just thought it'd be funny.

Pugsley Pugsington
Addman:  I wonder how many bones you have to own to be considered this "high-society" in the dog world.
Chiz: I don't know, but I feel that smug pugs like this one are quite repugnant.
Chiz: Not that he doesn't wear this Puggy Ellis pugsedo with the right amount of flair, but put that tongue away. It's incredibly distasteful.
Addman: How did he earn enough money to afford that tux? Certainly not from a modeling contract.
Addman: In social terms, he has the earth-worn look of a coal miner that has been involved in an unfortunate chip pan fire.
Chiz: Simply put, he's a slobbering mess, and look at those grotesque miniature thumbs.
Chiz: Something tells me he loss half his thumbs as the result of some bad luck at a poker match.
Addman: That thought is almost as horrible as those loosely fitted sleeves. If you ain't gonna get yo' tux tailored, then don't bother bro!
Chiz: Someone's been shy about hitting the gym.
Chiz: With a saggy, weathered face like that, who can blame him?
Addman: Indeed. His jowly chops suggest that he's a stranger to the term "walkies". No wonder he's wearing such a baggy tux. He's trying to cover up his unsightly physique.
Chiz: His cookie intake has been a cause for concern when it comes to his dogabetus.

Hannah Banana
Addman: Putting the clothes aside for a moment, does this monkey have a mullet?
Chiz: Monkey? I thought it was Garth Algar from Wayne's World.
Addman: I'm going to set up a charity for monkeys with poor hairstyling choices. Monkeys With Mullets. This picture will be on the campaign posters, to show how monkeys are forced to look in Lithuania.
Chiz: As long as you have Sarah McLachlan onboard, you should have no problem spreading the word.
Addman: "Please help poor Mojo. With your donations we can send out a barber to snip off his radioactive barnet and dye his coat a more fashionable shade of mauve"
Chiz: I can see the monkey's jumping on the meme-based McKayla Maroney bandwagon with that disappointed sideways grin.
Addman: To be fair, I would be "not impressed" if I was dressed like that.
Chiz: Is that a vest beneath a vest I see?
Chiz: I think she should look into in-vest-igating alternative wardrobe choices
Addman: Double vested? I think she's been har-vest-ing the bargain bins at the mall.
Addman: She should in-vest in more practical clothes.
Addman: Such as a pair of shoes that don't let wet in. As soon as that monkey steps in a puddle, those knitted monstrosities are going to absorb water faster than Usain Bolt on laxatives.
Chiz: They're going to take on more water than Leonardo DeCaprio in Titantic.
Addman: They'll be damper than the floor in front of a Taylor Lautner poster at a nunnery.
Chiz: They'll be soggier than the Golden Girls at a screening of Magic Mike.
Addman: They'll be wetter than a marine biologist’s handshake.

Stanky Purrl
Addman: "At least, my dream of starring in The Lion King can finally come to fruition"
Chiz: He looks like he's about to hit up the club and order a glass of Pride on the Rocks.
Addman: I bet the Lithuanian monkey from the last picture was present at his birth. He split a mango and rubbed it into the cat's forehead.
Chiz: They both probably starred in the B-movie The Lion King of Swag.
Chiz: YOLNT—You Only Live Nine Times
Addman: That's probably emblazoned onto the back of his coat. Although, I think the last time I saw a parka like this, Liam Gallagher was wearing it.
Addman: A cat who steals a parka from Liam Gallagher is a brave cat, regardless of how many lives he leads
Chiz: He has the thousand-mile stare like Liam. Perhaps he won it in a staring contest.
Addman: Chiz, I've got it! This is Liam's cat! The official Oasis mascot!
Addman: He's always fighting with other members of his litter, and tried to start a fight with Damon Albarn's dog.
Chiz: He's definitely been hitting the catnip like a rockstar, that's easy to say.

Casper a.k.a. The Ferret with Merit
Chiz: This would be Eminem if he were an Animorph.
Addman: Excellent. His first single would be "Without Fleas".
Addman: "Forgot about Dry Mix?"
Chiz: "Rodent's Beat Tape"
Addman: I wonder if there's an Animorph of Bruno we can gently lower onto his face for publicity?
Chiz: It'd probably be a naked mole rat dressed in pigeon feathers.
Addman: *sigh* if only there were more award ceremonies where it's appropriate to dangle a naked mole rat onto a ferret.
Addman: I'm sure David Attenborough would attend.
Chiz: I can picture David Attenborough slithering between the seats and whispering random ferret facts into celebrities’ ears.
Chiz: Actually, The Bora Tehara Awards in Toklau recently featured a duck tap dancing with a bi-polar polar bear this past month. I'm sure they'll accommodate this act next year... If only they weren't so opposed to hoodies.
Addman: Holy hell Chiz, I think you're going crazy. Don't Lose Yourself!
Addman: Getting back on topic, I'd love to see this little guy rolling down the street, nibbling bitches on the mean streets of Detroit.
Addman: Packing a pistol in his little cheeks.

Chuck
Chiz: "I'm in the ruffing business, but I'm no stranger to laying asphalt."
Addman: People who are against bringing pets to work should see this picture. This dog's handiwork is not half bad.
Chiz: He's not afraid to get his paws dirty.
Chiz: It only stands to reason that a foreman with four legs will be better than one that only has two.
Addman: I'd trust him to do a full renovation on my house. I'd have no bones about it.
Chiz: Not only that, but he looks rather fetching in that attire.
Addman: Indeed. I think dogs should be hired for all construction jobs. Mainly because you can't see their arse-crack poking over their jeans at all times.
Addman: Plus, it doesn't matter if they get killed because they don't have souls.
Chiz: Also, there won't be much hostility at the work place since most of them are all bark and no bite.
Chiz: Though all that ass sniffing could ring up a few sexual harassment lawsuits.
Addman: What do you mean? Men on construction sites inhale each other's anal fumes all the time. That's why they're always hanging out; easy ventilation.
Chiz: Yeah, but it's rare that they dump their feces in the middle of the shop floor and proceed to eat it.
Addman: I'll admit I've never seen that, but builders tend to make me rather uncomfortable. I just give them a cup of tea and leave them to it.
Addman: It's a little threatening to have a guy with forearms the size of tree trunks come into your home and list everything that's wrong, then take your money.
Addman: That's why a dog builder would be perfect!
Chiz: Well, the builders around my parts don't speak English, so I don't have to worry about the socializing aspect. Though I suppose I won't have that issue with dogs either.
Addman: We're missing a golden opportunity here. We should start a company of dog builders!
Addman: "If your wood is strained, in your roof rafters, who you gonna call? DOG BUILDERS!"
Chiz: "If there's a clog in your drain lines, look no further than our canines!"
Addman: "Bow-wow, bow-wow, bow-wow, bow-wow-wow-wowowow, we ain't 'fraid of no quotes!"
Chiz: "If the job requires opposable thumbs, you should get a human to do the work!"
Chiz: "If there's a splinter in your arc, bark bark bark bark bark!"
Chiz: "Something something roof, something something woof!"
Addman: "Don't cross the leads" *explosion*
Chiz: “Don't forget to fasten your safety goggles" *explosion*


Monday, March 4, 2013

Awful Movie Moments

Hey, everyone! Sorry for my leave of absense, and although I don't have a post for you today, I do have a collaborative post I participated in over at Muppets for Justice.

Go check out Awful Movie Moments, and read out me and Addman's breakdowns of some of the worst movie quotes of all time.

IN COMPLETELY UNRELATED NEWS:

I've been on the search for a new home for a while now, but I'm really applying myself as of recent. So, the reason I've been MIA is because I've been running all over the state looking for houses and such.

Some of you may have heard me say my offer was accepted on a ridiculously cheap condo a few months back. Well, I never ended up getting that one as a state law of Massachusetts prohibits anyone to recieve a loan if the closing cost exceeds 5% of the amount of the loan. Lovely, lovely Massachusetts.

Also, I just got bent over on three more offers this weekend. So, I'm doing some hardcore house humping and hunting which is the main reason for my absense.

Also, my job is giving me a hard time about the schedule I've been working since I was hired. They want me to stay an extra 10 minutes everyday to arrive home an hour later (My commute is already an hour and a half).