Monday, January 28, 2013

Stuff I Betcha' Didn't Never Knowed

Chiz's Cavalcade of Interesting Facts and Stuff That Is True

>Asphalt paving foremans have the highest paving job in America.

>Cryptozoology is the study of mythical creatures such as unicorns and giraffes.
From the Mongolian fable, The Man Who Thought a Giraffe Was His Dog.
>The 'S' in Harry S Truman stands for Dave.

>'Philanthropist' is derived from the Latin word Phila, meaning 'flange', and the Mesopotamian word Nthropist, meaning 'ellipse'.

>Baked scrod is a dish native to Norway.

>Scrod was invented in Norway.

>Rick Moranis, formally Ricky Moranis, got a sex change operation so he could play the father in Honey, I Shrunk The Kids.
Pre-op photo.
>Harrison Ford was originally cast for the role of Princess Leia, but George Lucas felt his eyelashes were too short.

>The human body produces enough saliva in a day to fill an Olympic-size swimming pool and an empty can of Canada Dry.

>The Titanic's hull was breached by an iceberg, but it was after hitting a wandering African sea elephant that the boat began to sink.
Not the actual elephant.
>Breaking Bad is based off a true story.

>If you fold a piece of paper in half 4 times, it'll be tall enough to reach the moon.

>The Geico gecko is real, but his accent is fake.
Before voice-over
>Earth, Wind & Fire's hit song "September" was originally called "February" before they came to the realization that no one wants to dance in February.

>Jennifer Lopez wasn't revelant until she starred in the Oscar-nominated movie Gigli.

Friday, January 25, 2013

Try The Calamari - New Blog

I know you guys are getting tired of my talks of new blogs every week, but I'm at least filling you in on what's been keeping me busy besides my job and trying to find a house. Be happy of that.

H'anyway, I'll keep it short and sweet. I've created a music review site called Try The Calamari. I'm not the most music literate person in the world, but I listen to a lot of music which makes me an expert in my own mind. My reviews are most likely going to be extremely biased and use very little music-centered lingo. I have my first review up. It's of my favorite band, so it's extremely biased and basically just all praise.

Try The Calamari
This is also a link.

I'm not telling you guys to follow it because our taste in music may be different, but I thought I'd put this up here so you know where some of my time is being invested.

P.S. Although I think this blog will be fun for me, it's alternate purpose is so that I can have something appropriate to put on my resume other than Chiz Chat which can sometimes be offensive.

P.S.S. The blog looks a bit disorganized on certain operating systems. Make sure you have update browsers if you want to check it out.

Wednesday, January 16, 2013

Life Preparation 101 - Mr. Brazen

Mr. Brazen: Okay, class, listen up. Prior to your former principal, Mr. Chevinsky, hanging himself from the neck until dead, he left a suicide letter exclaiming the importance of life choices. "It's never too early to begin thinking of the future," is what he used to say. Therefore, in an attempt to carry on Mr. Chevinsky's legacy, I saw no better way than to use his unfortunate fate as an example. I welcome all of you Life Preparation 101... Yes, Billy, you have a question?

Student Billy: Mr. Brazen, may I go potty?

Mr. Brazen: Well, Billy, here in Life Preparation 101, you'll learn that sometimes you have to suffer for no other purpose than to please those who have more authority than you. I hold dominion over this classroom, and unfortunately for you, I possess the power to withhold that which will determine your future at Dahmer Elementary, your class grade. So to answer your question, no, you may not go to the restroom. But, kudos for using may instead of can.

Student Sarah: My mom always packs Kudos in my lunch.

Mr. Brazen: Sarah, your talking out of line will prove a good example for my next lesson, the long term consequences of civil disobedience. Since you have opposed the rules set by the establishment, you must be forced to "do time."

Student Sarah: Time out?

Mr. Brazen: In a sense, yes. You see that cage in the back of class?

Student Sarah: You mean the dog crate?

Mr. Brazen: Today it's purpose is more universal. That is to be your cell for the rest of the day.

Student Sarah: But, it smells like dog in there.

Mr. Brazen: The conditions do not matter. You have acted unjustly and must pay your dues. Now get in.

Student Sarah: I don't want to. I want to go home.

Mr. Brazen: Very well. Billy, take this ruler and hit Sarah with it until she complies.

Student Sarah: Fine, I'll go in the cage.

Mr. Brazen: And there you have it, children. Justice. Any questions? Yes, Marcus.

Student Marcus: My daddy is a policeman. I want to be a policeman like him when I grow up.

Mr. Brazen: While I can see where you derived the relevance of that statement, it is slightly off-topic. No matter. We might as well move onto the next lesson about life expectations. Take a look at me. Do you think I ever dreamed of standing in front of a classroom full of uninformed, diaper babies teaching them about the constraints of our miserable lives. Absolutely not. My goal was to become a promiscuous Hollywood star so that I could sleep with the likes of Jennifer Aniston and that hot chick from Black Knight. Not the one with Batman, the one where Martin Lawrence travels back in time and becomes a knight.

Student Leandra: My mom says I can't be whatever I want.

Mr. Brazen: See, that's a common misconception among children your age. This world has no need for more astronauts. You're attending school, so chances are that reality television is already out of your grasp. What this country needs is more office drones. Insurance is the only feasible line of work available to average, middle-class peons such as yourselves. The only way you could ever imagine to be that which you desire is to experiment with drugs. And I'm not talking about dank, back-alley weed. You need to hit the hard stuff. Acid, LSD, bath salts. This one time I was on acid,  I started battling this twin-headed dragon. After about 30 seconds of fighting, I dropped my sword, disgusted at what I'd become. So I instead gave the dragon a hug and we gazed upon the stars. Mufasa was there, too.

Student Leandra: What is insurance?

Mr. Brazen: That is a discussion for tomorrow, unfortunately. You see, Mr. Brazen has gone more than 5 hours without a lick of alcohol and has just recently come down with nauseating migraines.

Student Billy: I just peed in my pants.

Mr. Brazen: Alright, alright. Fine. Class is dismissed.

Student Marcus: But there's still 45 minutes left of class. Where will we go.

Mr. Brazen: Uh, just go to the bathroom and hang out there until your next class period. Try not to be sighted by any of my colleagues please. As for me, I got to run. My cars parked  in the back of the lot, and I'm relapsing pretty hard. 'Til tomorrow, children.

...

Student Sarah: Hello? Can can I be let out of this cage?

P.S. Sorry, I quickly wrote this up on my lunch break.

Thursday, January 3, 2013

Just Checking In


Good morning, noon, and evening (and midnight for some of you wild and crazy guys). I’d like to apologize for my disappearance, but I’m not going to. I told you I’d be gone for the holidays; there’s nothing to be sorry about.

H’anyway, I don’t have anything particularly satirical or funny lined up for this post, I’m just going to ramble on a bit until I’m satisfied with your unsatisfaction concerning my senseless post… Are you all still here? Good, because I didn’t mean any of that—except for the “this post will be neither funny nor satirical” part.

I hope you all had a good New Year. I’d like to say that I did, but I came down with a circulating stomach bug that was triggered by—and I’m no doctor—an overabundance of alcohol and board game centered merriment. I came down with the bug the day before New Year’s Eve. I never knew it was possible for someone to expel more vomit than was possible to fit in one’s body (they* should really find a way to turn vomit into a viable source of energy).
*You know. The science people.

The next day arrived (New Year’s Eve for those of you with short attention spans), and I felt a little bit better. Seeing as I already forked up the cash for an open bar and a motel room, there was no way I was going to pass up binge drinking all the beers in the bar.

The night was fun. Booze was had by all. I tore up the dance floor. They called me Lightening Foot Chiz all night. Then I woke up from my dream and went to the bar. In reality, the bar was just as fun. I attempted to tear up the dance floor (I’m fairly certain there’s some videos circulating the web right now of my lightening quick dance moves).

When the bar closed, we got back to the motel with limited hobo interference and passed out.

The next morning we got pancakes and eggs at IHOP. Just kidding! I woke up with the stomach bug all over again (it turns out that it had not quite left my body yet) and commenced yet another day of vomiting and shitting everywhere. But don’t freight, I’m all better now which is why I’m uploading a post today.

Anyway, I thought I’d just check in to let you guys know the blog is still alive. I’ll have something funny or satirical next week. Though, I might be slow on getting things back up and running because my company decided to ring in the new year with a giant project that I have to finish in an impractical amount of time.

But, anyway, Happy New Year everybody!

P.S. Anyone get their paychecks? These tax hikes are killing me! At least you have a job, Chiz! Shh.