Monday, December 23, 2013

The Year Christmas Was Canceled

Elroy the Elf: Santa, we seem to have encountered several complications heading into the holiday season.
Santa Claus: Not something I want to hear two days before Christmas. What seems to be the problem, Elroy?
Elroy the Elf: Well, uh, the President has passed a bill banning wasteful expenditure of fossil fuels.
Santa Claus: And why is this important?
Elroy the Elf: Coal is what fills the stockings of children on the Naughty List.
Santa Claus: Ah, nothing we can’t handle. Just give the naughty kids the stiff stockings soiled by Young Saint Nick. Sand them down a bit, though. We don’t want anyone slicing an artery on those concrete cum rags. What’s next?
Elroy the Elf: Err, okay. Well, there seems to have been new exposure to the law Stand Your Ground. People are more prone to exercise their rights in the wake of recent events, for no other reason than they get off on the idea of shooting someone. So, I’d be careful when breaking into homes to leave presents.
Santa Claus: I’m not breaking into these homes, Elroy. I’m simply dropping by and gracing them with my goodwill. Besides, who’s going to shoot a jolly, old, white man?
Elroy the Elf: Uh, actually…
Santa Claus: What?
Elroy the Elf: Erm, recent studies have determined you to be of Middle Eastern decent.
Santa Claus: I’m a terrorist?!
Elroy the Elf: Whoa, Santa, don’t you think that’s a little racist?
Santa Claus: I was born in the U.S.!
Elroy the Elf: You’re image was born in the U.S., the Coca-Cola factory to be precise. But, you’re Saint Nicholas don’t you remember? You were born in what’s now modern day Turkey.
Santa Claus: Oh, boy. I’m feeling faint. Next thing you’re going to tell me is Christmas is canceled.
Elroy the Elf: Well, not canceled per se…
Santa Claus: What are you getting at?
Elroy the Elf: The reindeer have formed a union. They refuse to guide the sleigh unless their wages are increased.
Santa Claus: Wages? I don’t pay them!
Elroy the Elf: Yeah, and that’s illegal. In fact, the Department of Labor is putting a stop to all toy production and launching a full-scale investigation.
Santa Claus: Well, that’s it, I suppose. No presents for the good little boys and girls this year. Hope you’re happy, Elroy.
Elroy the Elf: I didn’t do anything.
Santa Claus: I suppose it’s for the best. It’s time we start recognizing the holiday for what it truly is: Jesus’ birthday.
Elroy the Elf: Actually, Jesus wasn’t born in Decemb—
Santa Claus: That’s it! I’m out. If you need me I’ll be in Hawaii.


  1. Poor, poor Santa. He just can't catch a break. Or work his way around visa and labour laws.

    1. He'll find a way. He always does. *winks with a sparkle and evaporates into a flurry of snowflakes*

  2. I'm still wrestling with the 'concrete cum-rags' image.

    Merry Christmas! Ho ho ho.

    1. Don't wrestle with them too much, you might cut yourself. And, a very Merry Christmas to you, as well!

  3. Elroy is really a downer. Elroy is why we can't have nice things.

    1. I know. He's supposed to be making toys and bringing joy to children, but all he cares about is cockamamie politics and news stories.

  4. Don't forget the gluten-free cookie-substitutes that Santa has to deal with it if he doesn't get shot in the face or sued by his reindeer, since he's morbidly obese and we as a society should not be enabling his impending diabetes. I think Santa should just cancel Christmas and contract out his elves to Nike.

    1. We're detaining him and forcing him on an all green coffee diet. It's for his own good, whether he knows it or not. Christmas will resume once he can kick his self-destructive habits.

    2. You know, now that I read your words, I wonder: What the hell does Santa get out of all of this?

      I mean, he basically uses super powers to race around the globe in one night and break into people's houses, risking life and limb... and for what? He has to have skills that would earn him a bundle in private industry.

      It HAS top be about the kids sitting on his lap. That is the ONLY thing that could get someone to do all of this other crap.

      The guy is trying to cover up his little pervy fetish.

    3. I feel so dirty now. All my life I've been praising the work of a pedophile.

  5. Good, now with Santa out of the way, I can assume the role of Yuletide morality judge! I shall be judging who is naughty and nice this year!

    Let it be known that I am very corrupt and can easily be bribed.

    1. Will words of praise and endearment also be acceptible, you beautiful, sexy, lord amongst lads?

  6. Elroy seems like one of those type of elves that you always want to punch in the face.

    1. He's the kind of guy that sports an unkempt neck beard and talks like he's a member of The Round Table.