Winter hasn’t even officially begun yet, and I’m already eagerly awaiting its departure. Just the other day I was tablespooning my driveway (It’s a crime how much they charge for shovels), and I noticed the neighborhood children had erected a snow statue in my image. I politely asked them to disassemble the snow statue, but they had undertaken a false conviction that it was “just a regular snowman.” I will have no one plagiarizing my image. That’s how fan fictions are born, and I will not be subjected to the overtly sexual themes of internet fan fiction.
My nose is orange do to a rare strain of jaundice.
I’ve been suspended from work for the second December in a row. This time it was for pushing Wendy down at the office holiday party. But I saw what she contributed to the Yankee Swap. The Yankee Swap explicitly stated that the gifts were to be $15 to $20, yet I saw the Purple Rain box set on sale at WalMart for $14. She had nothing to lose.
Luckily, my suspension will give me plenty of time to tunnel out my military mine under the neighborhood children’s “snowman”. I can’t wait to see the look on their faces when they awake one December morning to find a chasm replacing the spot once held by their mocking snow statue.
Until this winter has come and passed, I shall put all my effort into thwarting the cruel insults of the neighborhood children. Except when I’m in court fighting off the restraining order with which Wendy seeks to bind me.