Monday, December 16, 2013

The Winter Blues

Dear Journal,

I know it’s been a while since my last entry. It’s been snowing nonstop lately, and I don’t think the condition of the roads will grant me safe passage to Walgreen’s to pick up another pen. Though, I found that if you leave out a bucket of paint to dry, crush it up into a powder, and use a straw to blow the remnants onto a piece of paper, it’s just like using a pen. Some of the paint has found its way in my nose and mouth, but I don’t think it’s as harmful as people make it out to be. Hell, weren’t they concerned about cocaine being used as an ingredient in Coca Cola about 20 years ago? It’s the 21st century, and not a soul has died from drinking cocaine.

Winter hasn’t even officially begun yet, and I’m already eagerly awaiting its departure. Just the other day I was tablespooning my driveway (It’s a crime how much they charge for shovels), and I noticed the neighborhood children had erected a snow statue in my image. I politely asked them to disassemble the snow statue, but they had undertaken a false conviction that it was “just a regular snowman.” I will have no one plagiarizing my image. That’s how fan fictions are born, and I will not be subjected to the overtly sexual themes of internet fan fiction.

My nose is orange do to a rare strain of jaundice.

I’ve been suspended from work for the second December in a row. This time it was for pushing Wendy down at the office holiday party. But I saw what she contributed to the Yankee Swap. The Yankee Swap explicitly stated that the gifts were to be $15 to $20, yet I saw the Purple Rain box set on sale at WalMart for $14. She had nothing to lose.

Luckily, my suspension will give me plenty of time to tunnel out my military mine under the neighborhood children’s “snowman”. I can’t wait to see the look on their faces when they awake one December morning to find a chasm replacing the spot once held by their mocking snow statue.

Until this winter has come and passed, I shall put all my effort into thwarting the cruel insults of the neighborhood children. Except when I’m in court fighting off the restraining order with which Wendy seeks to bind me.

18 comments:

  1. I used to think that the best thing you could do with a snowman was leave a suicide note next to a melted snowman. Now I have a much better idea. I need to do this.

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    1. Now that is an excellent idea. I'm going to write up a bunch of suicide notes and lieave them near the carcasses of fallen snowmen come this spring.

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  2. Replies
    1. If you can't meet the price minimum, then prepare to receive the price in maximum.

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  3. You, uh, "will not be subjected to the overtly sexual themes of internet fan fiction", huh? Oh boy. I, uh, I suppose I ought to take down my illustrated slash fiction involving you, some Bronies, that Muppets for Justice weird-o, Paul Walker's ghost (What, too late?), and Richard Simmons's used short-shorts.

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    1. No... You can leave that one up. I wouldn't mind receiving the link, either.

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  4. Winter is evil. We should kill it. Or write a law to abolish it.

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    1. I agree. I declare that summer be year round.

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  5. You've a wonderfully warped mind Chiz. Watch out for those carol singers. Listen to the lyrics - they'll be all about you, full of ridicule and riddled with put-downs. 'On the first day of Chizmas ...'Shoo them from your door with a hefty broom.

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    1. Oh, I forgot about them. I'll have to prepare my moat. They'll be arriving soon.

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  6. Do you have access to a laboratory skeleton? If so, build a snowman with one inside and watch the horror in your neighbour's kids eyes as it melts.

    Failing that, just use Wendy's skeleton.

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    1. This might be the greatest idea I've ever heard. I'm going to try my best to get a laboratory skeleton before the next snowfall.

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  7. Women want equality, but they don't want to be pushed down like a man. That's crap. This is why I married a snowman. They don't talk back, they go away when it's warm so you can enjoy nice weather by yourself, and they have curves in all the right places. Va-voom.

    Every year at my old office we had a donation plate for the homeless that was required. The office grinch, not one to be told what to do, would toss in one penny to satisfy his requirement. No one ever pushed him down, but he was onto something. I was practically homeless at that job... where was my donation?

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    1. That's like Wal-Mart asking for donations for their poverty-stricken employees. God forbid the CEOs give up a fraction of their 7-figure salaries for the holidays. Let the people who are paid the least look out for the people who are paid the least.

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  8. Are you aware that Santa Claus knows when you've been sleeping and knows when you're awake?

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    1. If he dares step foot on my property, he's gonna see just how naughty I can be... That sounds weird.

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  9. Exceptional imagination my friend. Love the tellatubby look.

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    1. That figure takes a lot of work. It requires getting off the couch, driving to the nearest fast food restaurant, and then binge eating until your eyes water.

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