Elroy the Elf: Santa, we seem to have encountered several complications heading into the holiday season.
Santa Claus: Not something I want to hear two days before Christmas. What seems to be the problem, Elroy?
Elroy the Elf: Well, uh, the President has passed a bill banning wasteful expenditure of fossil fuels.
Santa Claus: And why is this important?
Elroy the Elf: Coal is what fills the stockings of children on the Naughty List.
Santa Claus: Ah, nothing we can’t handle. Just give the naughty kids the stiff stockings soiled by Young Saint Nick. Sand them down a bit, though. We don’t want anyone slicing an artery on those concrete cum rags. What’s next?
Elroy the Elf: Err, okay. Well, there seems to have been new exposure to the law Stand Your Ground. People are more prone to exercise their rights in the wake of recent events, for no other reason than they get off on the idea of shooting someone. So, I’d be careful when breaking into homes to leave presents.
Santa Claus: I’m not breaking into these homes, Elroy. I’m simply dropping by and gracing them with my goodwill. Besides, who’s going to shoot a jolly, old, white man?
Elroy the Elf: Uh, actually…
Santa Claus: What?
Elroy the Elf: Erm, recent studies have determined you to be of Middle Eastern decent.
Santa Claus: I’m a terrorist?!
Elroy the Elf: Whoa, Santa, don’t you think that’s a little racist?
Santa Claus: I was born in the U.S.!
Elroy the Elf: You’re image was born in the U.S., the Coca-Cola factory to be precise. But, you’re Saint Nicholas don’t you remember? You were born in what’s now modern day Turkey.
Santa Claus: Oh, boy. I’m feeling faint. Next thing you’re going to tell me is Christmas is canceled.
Elroy the Elf: Well, not canceled per se…
Santa Claus: What are you getting at?
Elroy the Elf: The reindeer have formed a union. They refuse to guide the sleigh unless their wages are increased.
Santa Claus: Wages? I don’t pay them!
Elroy the Elf: Yeah, and that’s illegal. In fact, the Department of Labor is putting a stop to all toy production and launching a full-scale investigation.
Santa Claus: Well, that’s it, I suppose. No presents for the good little boys and girls this year. Hope you’re happy, Elroy.
Elroy the Elf: I didn’t do anything.
Santa Claus: I suppose it’s for the best. It’s time we start recognizing the holiday for what it truly is: Jesus’ birthday.
Elroy the Elf: Actually, Jesus wasn’t born in Decemb—
Santa Claus: That’s it! I’m out. If you need me I’ll be in Hawaii.