Wednesday, October 23, 2013

Chizvestigations: Chronicles of a Stallist

Pat: Welcome to Chizvestigations. I wish Chiz would reconsider the title to this program, but he’s a problematic drinker and difficult to work with, so it’s best not to dispute his astonishingly poor decision-making. I’m you’re host Pat. On today’s episode, we have a very special guest. Our guest, who—in order to protect is identity—will be referred to by his movement’s common alias, is making waves in the bathroom stall writing and graffiti community. Please give a warm welcome to Stallist, everyone.

Stallist: Thanks, Pat. I’m glad Stallism is finally getting the recognition it deserves.

The ever resourceful 'Your Mom' verse.

Pat: Now, let me stop you already. The audience is most likely unfamiliar with this term Stallism. Is it possible for you to break down the philosophies of this movement?

Stallist: Well, Pat, this is much more than just a movement. It’s an ideology, a complex system of meaningful expressions depicted in a public forum. What makes Stallism so influential is that these couplets, scrawls, evocative verses are all forced upon people while they’re most vulnerable, when they’re sitting bare on the porcelain throne.

Pat: Intriguing, to say the least. Have there been any past or present Stallists that have influenced your work?

Stallist: We can’t talk about Stallism without first mentioning its forefather, Dick Clark.

Pat: Dick Clark? I never knew.

Stallist: Not many do. It was 1952 when Dick Clark scrawled his signature tag—the single-stroke penis—in the stalls of the America Bandstand studio. Mimicked by the long line of successors, these penises became more complex over the years. Nowadays, stalls can be seen decorated with elaborate portraits of dicks complete with lifelike veins, drooping testicles, and even realistic curvature.

Mid-70s rendition.

Pat: Wow. Truly remarkable. Now are these phallic tags a member of your arsenal of artistry?

Stallist: Though eloquent, I tend to celebrate the written aspect of Stallism. I became entranced with writing verses when I happened upon a magnificent piece by, who the Stallist community has dubbed, the Poop Guy. I’ll never forget the day I glanced up in relief of a massive poo and spotted his work:

May I compare thee to a summer’s poo?
A steaming pile of Taco Bell doo.
The Baja Blast turning the water blue,
And an aroma that I wish only you knew?

Pat: Incredible. I’d tear up, if only I hadn’t undergone that dangerous, superfluous eyelid transplant surgery forced upon me by the CEO of Chizvestigation. On another note, while I was in a bathroom stall before the show, I happened upon a piece scribbled on the stall’s wall. You wouldn’t perchance kno—

Stallist: The anarchist symbol? The one with “The government is as vacuous as the toilet you sit.”?

Pat: Yes. Why, how did you know?

Stallist: Psh, but it’s my art, of course. My specialty is enlightening bathroom dwellers to the corruption present within our society, within our government… within us. I strive for the deeper meaning of Stallism. One is more prone to think, when surrounded in their own stink.

Pat: A—amazing. I—I thank you so much for being with us today, Mister… er… Stallist. You’ve truly opened my eyes to this stimulating ideology, and I’m sure our audience feels the same. May your future endeavors surpass your vast list of current achievements.

Stallist: Thanks for having me, Pat. Now excuse me while I race to ornament the untainted stalls of the world.


  1. Replies
    1. I'd say he's the Banksy of Stallists, but unlike that no good vandalist, a Stallist only improves the barrenness of bathroom stalls.

    2. Sort of like a cross between Banksy, Anonymous, and Julian Assange.

      At least, that's the way i like to think of him.

  2. When I first loaded the page, I read that as "Stalinist". I nearly wet myself when I thought that Chiz Chat had been taken over by the red army.

    Also, May I compare thee to a summer’s poo? Pure class.

    1. I knew that was bound to happen. I felt dirty just saying the word Stallist.

      And, Stallists, although sometimes mistaken as obscene, have their moments of class.

  3. Dick Clark! I KNEW IT! Just as sure I am that he counts down his own poo, I knew he scrawled the visual of his own name on bathroom walls. That dude's a pioneer.
    As for the name, how about "InvesChizations" or "InvestigaChizons"? Nah, Chizvestigations is still better.

    1. Dick Clark: The suave, bohemian forefather of Stallism. The signs were right there in front of us all the while.

      I think InvesChizations is more fluid than Chizvestigations. I'll have to bring that one up with the boss.

  4. It's a movement... that's taking place during a movement. I have tears in my eyes this is so brilliant.

    Let's not forget the Stallist technique of advertising where one could find a good time. The world could use more good times. Just call Suzie Cumslut at 1-800-EAT-SHIT. People are often turned off by the name, but Suzie's actually very cordial and respectful.

    1. Surprisingly, those people who leave their numbers in bathroom stalls are quite cordial and respectful, as you say. Why this one time I... er, my friend called up one of the numbers. Despite the woman having a wine cork in one of her eye sockets and cigarette burns conjoining in the shape of a swastika, she treated me... ahem, my FRIEND as gentle as a lamb.

  5. Ha! If only all of these witty and insightful Stallisms could be compiled into a single bathroom book to enjoy while... well... while you take a poo. Brilliantly executed my friend!

    1. Why thank you! I think a book would be excellent, but might take away from the spirit of Stallism. The scrawling, the etching, so therapeutic.

  6. As original as ever, Chiz.
    I recall reading the modified lyrics of a Leonard Cohen song on a toilet wall some years ago:
    "Like a turd on a wire
    Like a stool in a colonic fire
    I've tried in my way to be free"

    Such a moving verse!

    1. "You can add up the farts
      but you won't save the bum
      You can strike up the match
      there is hardly a crumb"

      Leonard Cohen has inspired many.

  7. I miss the olden days when the bathrooms shared witticisms and innuendo. Now they just have gang graffiti. They have claimed all the local bathrooms as their "turf." Those poor gangs, reduced to hanging out in public restrooms.

    1. What better way to mug someone than when they've got their pants around their ankles? I think they may be on to something. Expect a lot more gangs claiming bathroom stalls as their territory in the future.

  8. I must learn and master this fine art...the art of stallism. I have been known to draw some detailed penises in my day, perhaps that is where to begin....?

    1. Penises and anarchy symbols are a good place to start. Skilled stallists can stick with these symbols as long as they're able to apply originality and modernism to their scrawls.