Wednesday, October 23, 2013

Chizvestigations: Chronicles of a Stallist

Pat: Welcome to Chizvestigations. I wish Chiz would reconsider the title to this program, but he’s a problematic drinker and difficult to work with, so it’s best not to dispute his astonishingly poor decision-making. I’m you’re host Pat. On today’s episode, we have a very special guest. Our guest, who—in order to protect is identity—will be referred to by his movement’s common alias, is making waves in the bathroom stall writing and graffiti community. Please give a warm welcome to Stallist, everyone.

Stallist: Thanks, Pat. I’m glad Stallism is finally getting the recognition it deserves.

The ever resourceful 'Your Mom' verse.

Pat: Now, let me stop you already. The audience is most likely unfamiliar with this term Stallism. Is it possible for you to break down the philosophies of this movement?

Stallist: Well, Pat, this is much more than just a movement. It’s an ideology, a complex system of meaningful expressions depicted in a public forum. What makes Stallism so influential is that these couplets, scrawls, evocative verses are all forced upon people while they’re most vulnerable, when they’re sitting bare on the porcelain throne.

Pat: Intriguing, to say the least. Have there been any past or present Stallists that have influenced your work?

Stallist: We can’t talk about Stallism without first mentioning its forefather, Dick Clark.

Pat: Dick Clark? I never knew.

Stallist: Not many do. It was 1952 when Dick Clark scrawled his signature tag—the single-stroke penis—in the stalls of the America Bandstand studio. Mimicked by the long line of successors, these penises became more complex over the years. Nowadays, stalls can be seen decorated with elaborate portraits of dicks complete with lifelike veins, drooping testicles, and even realistic curvature.

Mid-70s rendition.

Pat: Wow. Truly remarkable. Now are these phallic tags a member of your arsenal of artistry?

Stallist: Though eloquent, I tend to celebrate the written aspect of Stallism. I became entranced with writing verses when I happened upon a magnificent piece by, who the Stallist community has dubbed, the Poop Guy. I’ll never forget the day I glanced up in relief of a massive poo and spotted his work:

May I compare thee to a summer’s poo?
A steaming pile of Taco Bell doo.
The Baja Blast turning the water blue,
And an aroma that I wish only you knew?

Pat: Incredible. I’d tear up, if only I hadn’t undergone that dangerous, superfluous eyelid transplant surgery forced upon me by the CEO of Chizvestigation. On another note, while I was in a bathroom stall before the show, I happened upon a piece scribbled on the stall’s wall. You wouldn’t perchance kno—

Stallist: The anarchist symbol? The one with “The government is as vacuous as the toilet you sit.”?

Pat: Yes. Why, how did you know?

Stallist: Psh, but it’s my art, of course. My specialty is enlightening bathroom dwellers to the corruption present within our society, within our government… within us. I strive for the deeper meaning of Stallism. One is more prone to think, when surrounded in their own stink.

Pat: A—amazing. I—I thank you so much for being with us today, Mister… er… Stallist. You’ve truly opened my eyes to this stimulating ideology, and I’m sure our audience feels the same. May your future endeavors surpass your vast list of current achievements.

Stallist: Thanks for having me, Pat. Now excuse me while I race to ornament the untainted stalls of the world.

Tuesday, October 15, 2013

Movie Review of The Blackest Black

From the writer and director that brought you such harrowing blockbusters as The Disquieting Attic and Look Out, She’s About to Scream at the Camera and Did That Doll Just Move?, comes yet another movie that is projected to revolutionize the horror genre. Director Ono del Quatro presents The Blackest Black, a film where you literally won’t see what’s coming next.

Ono del Quatro when he was 14. 

In an interview with Chiz Chat, del Quatro said, “When I attended an audience screening of He’s Actually Dead the Whole Time, I noticed that the audience was only reacting to the jump-scares and loud noises. The scenes I had previously assumed were subtly scary were lost on the viewers. Therefore, in The Blackest Black, I decided to skip the ineffectual nonsense and give the people what they truly want.”

And, boy, did del Quatro deliver. In The Blackest Black, the audience is subjected to a screen of utter blackness. As the viewers are awaiting the opening scene, a sudden thud breaks the silence. The movie continues on using this same method: the screen embraces its constant blackness while loud, intermittent bangs and booms rile the audience into a horrified state.

Opening scene of The Blackest Black.
Here’s a testimony of a content movie-goer: “Man, the blackness of the screen wasn’t all that scary, but the noises, phew, now those got me. At first I thought another bang would come, but it didn’t. Yet, once my guard was down, SHWAH , they got me! Oh ho ho, they got me good!”

A pleased member of the audience.
Audiences and critics everywhere have nothing but praise for The Blackest Black. Weagle and Korgog give it two thumbs “way” up. Rolling Stone calls it, “lyk da most coolest movie with the most scare! I was lyk so friten, I almost pee :)!! lol jk? That seen were da best wen the noice cam!!” And, two stuck-up, cynical critics from LA said, “We wanted to hate it. We wanted to hate it so bad. You know what? We do hate it. We hate it because it’s too good.”

So, come see (or hear, rather) what everyone’s raving about and suffer the utter suspense that’ll leave you clinging to your seat.

Wednesday, October 2, 2013

Her Special Day Shoes

Hey, e'erybody!

Our friend Michael over at, whom I'm sure many of you are familiar with, is seeking a bit of assistance. Unfortunately, his friend Kristin is battling Stage 3 HER2 Breast Cancer, and though Michael has faith that she’ll win the fight, he is giving her the upper hand by releasing his nonprofit eBook, Her Special Day Shoes

This short story is available on 50% of profits go to Kristin and her family while the remaining is sent to the National Breast Cancer Foundation. If you have a few dollars to spare, I suggest you purchase the eBook. Not only are the funds going toward a great cause but the story, itself, is quite entertaining and thought-provoking. 

If my words aren't enough to convince you, then let Michael attempt to persuade you:

The link to the eBook is in the YouTube description, if you’re interested, or you can use the following link: Click here, ladies and gentlemen.
. . .

It is obvious in his writing that Michael has poured his heart into writing this touching short story. Since Michael has been confronted with many hardships in his own life, he is able to relate with the protagonist, Rachael. This makes us, the audience, capable of connecting with the characters on a deeper level. Though short, this story packs a wallop in the emotional department. It is definitely deserved of everyone's time.

This book also includes three intriguing essays from Michael, including his award winning essay, "White on White Crime".

This book is only going for $2.86 (Or three shillings or whatever you European folks are using nowadays). You wouldn't hesitate to spend that kind of money on a bag of Fritos, or a frosty beer at the pub, or a dry foot rub from that strangely attractive hippo on the street corner.

So, lets all help our friend Michael in his quest to raise funds for Kristin and breast cancer research.