Thursday, September 5, 2013

The U.S. Military: ON SALE!

You heard it straight from the mouth of John "Frankenstein" Kerry. There’s no sense in hiding it anymore. The U.S. military is now for sale!

19 chapters devoted to peddling your own military. (Image Source)

That's right! Are you a radical extremist hell bent on achieving regional supremacy? The U.S. military can help you with that! Do you have a rival business owner whose restaurant you just can’t compete with? Well, I hope he likes his steak cooked well done in a lake of napalm! Is your neighbor keeping you up at night because his pug breathes so gosh darn loud? Well, let us toss that dog a bone… filled with high-pressure plastic explosives! Hell, we're helping the "rebels" over in Syria; why not you?!

We are overstocked with everything from drones to bombs and ballistic missiles. EVERYTHING MUST GO! 

It's so hot you'll swear that your country was on fire... (Image Source)

Don’t worry about the majority of the victims being innocent civilians and children; they’re just collateral damage. What’s important is that we use a multi-million dollar missile strike to possibly subdue one target. The irreversible damage done to the land? Luckily for you, that’s also collateral damage and will require no extra fee.
... to hire us! (Image Source)

Contact us to receive a free quote while it lasts. America is fighting a war on three fronts. What's a few more?

This message has been sponsored by Lockheed Martin, Raytheon, and Boeing.

Sorry for the lame post after a long absence. I'm still working on my WIP (which is not even relatively close to being finished). Also, I'm in the process of looking for a new job. Which is difficult since, well, there aren't any.

14 comments:

  1. It's not a lame post at all.

    It made me think of the 1930s-era quote from Major General Smedley Butler, which I will cut and paste here even though it is very rude to do that:

    "I spent 33 years and four months in active military service and during that period I spent most of my time as a high class muscle man for Big Business, for Wall Street and the bankers. In short, I was a racketeer, a gangster for capitalism. I helped make Mexico and especially Tampico safe for American oil interests in 1914. I helped make Haiti and Cuba a decent place for the National City Bank boys to collect revenues in. I helped in the raping of half a dozen Central American republics for the benefit of Wall Street. I helped purify Nicaragua for the International Banking House of Brown Brothers in 1902-1912. I brought light to the Dominican Republic for the American sugar interests in 1916. I helped make Honduras right for the American fruit companies in 1903. In China in 1927 I helped see to it that Standard Oil went on its way unmolested. Looking back on it, I might have given Al Capone a few hints. The best he could do was to operate his racket in three districts. I operated on three continents.”

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    1. It's not rude at all. In fact, I heard that our involvement in Syria is no more than a part of a conquest to secure 14 permanent military bases in the Middle East that will secure pipelines for Exxon and BP. Fortunately for the rest of the world, the US will probably implode before then.

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  2. Syrians have been killing other Syrians! We need to step in and kill Syrians to stop Syrians from killing other Syrians!

    Can I contract out the US military to order a drone strike on my neighbors? I think they might be harboring WMDs. I'm about 90% sure. Maybe. Okay, I just don't like them, but I'm not paying you guys to ask questions, am I?

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    1. Well, how can Syrians kill Syrians if there cease to be Syrians? And of course we'll eliminate your neighbors. All that we ask is that you allow us to harbor any gold and oil cans in the house.

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  3. While Assad was secure in power and committing numerous human rights atrocities amongst his people, Western nations found it decent enough to pony up to Assad while they were able to successfully secure business deals with him. Now that rebels are destabalising that, the West suddenly has an interest in removing Assad from power.

    Don't get me wrong, the situation in Syria is horrific, but I really don't see how military action is going to bring peace to such a fractured nation.

    This isn't about peace. This is a war of attrition.

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    1. If action was to be done, it shold have been executed 2 years ago. Also, it seems that the US is the only country left that believes that Assad used the chemical weapons rather than the rebels. We can't even provide proof whereas Russia claims it has a 100-page report proving that it was the rebel who used the gas. I'd rather the US not wipe out any more innocents and children. At most they should allow refugees into the country, and that's the extent of it.

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  4. Hey this isn't a lame post. It highlights a serious issue and you've done it in a comical way, which always helps engage people. I'd try and hire the American army but I don't have any oil. It does also keep me safe from them though.

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    1. Thanks, Mark! What is humor other than an innocent medium used to expose the ugly truth? I'm surprised the US isn't in ruins. We have tons of oil.

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  5. What great timing! I have fruit fly problem in my backyard. This just might be the solution I've been looking for.

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    1. I usually hang their fallen brethren from my gutters using floss. There'll be a momentary uprising followed by a migration which will rid yourself of the fruit fly population.

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  6. I have said we should have turned that whole region into glass by now...this pickin' and peckin' bullshit ain't American. Teddy said Big Stick not Wimpy Dick...too strong???

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    1. Well, I've said it before, and I'll say it again: How can Syrians kills Syrians if there are no Syrians?

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  7. Here in Britain parliament has (unusually) voted not to get involved in military action against Syria.

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    1. Hopefully, the US will arrive at the same decision.

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