Monday, August 5, 2013

Shark Week is Overrated

It's Shark Week! For those of you that aren't familiar with Shark Week, it's a week where Discovery Channel dedicates every single minute of airtime to those long, leathery fish with razor-sharp teeth. This shark appreciation extravaganza happens every year, and the same survivor accounts and biologist documentaries that aired the year before and the year before that are played once more for all those who had forgotten what sharks do in the off-time between Shark Weeks.

Shark Week follows the same formula from year to year: 20% biological shark facts, 25% survival stories, and 55% talking about how rad shark teeth are. And every year, despite the repetitiveness of the programming, people get overly enthusiastic about it, lighting up Twitter and Facebook walls with statuses similar to: "Chilling with a 6-pack and watching SHARK WEEK!" or "OMG! I didn't think Shark Week would be back, but it is!"

Well, I'm here to put a stop to all this nonsense and prove that, once and for all, sharks are kind of not all that great. Hell, they kill less than 1 person a year. Here are some animals that I think should be substituted for Shark Week:

COW WEEK
RECORDED DEATH COUNT: 22 DEATHS/YEAR


Coming up on Cow Week:
- A simple tug on an udder left this man with a stutter. A man recounts the side effects of a kick to the head.
- A biologist swills around the environmental harm caused by cud. How can we stop the cows?
- How many die a year from errant cow-pies? It more than you may think.
- Moo-ve over horses. How cows became the more deadly of the two.

DEER WEEK
RECORDED DEATH COUNT:130 DEATHS/YEAR


Coming up on Deer Week:
Oh, deer-ly departed. How a deer turned a funeral procession into a fatal transgression.
- "And I was felt up by it... I was... fawn-dled." How a man was doe-fully unprepared for his solo camping trip.
- Deer Lord! Biologist Steven Grueller looks into the effects of deer puns on one talentless blogger's website.
- Chasing Bigfoot. Well, because deer really aren't that interesting.


POTOO WEEK
RECORDED DEATH COUNT: WELL, NONE, BUT THEY SURE LOOK FUNNY.


Coming up on Potoo Week:
- Look beyond a zoo to find a Potoo. A look into the elusive Potoo bird.
- I spy with my little eye, a silly Potoo flying high in the sky. A look into Dr. Suess or something.
- Potatoo. What the hell do Pottoo birds eat?
- He's done it again. Biologists analyze how the author of Chiz Chat thought he could ever expand this "brilliant idea for a blog post" into more than just a few dull examples.

15 comments:

  1. Why did you go and burst my enthusiasm for shark week? Now I feel stupid watching the same stuff I watched in previous years!

    Cow week could work. Especially if they include the process of where steak comes from....from beginning to end! STEAK!!!!!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Why would anyone watch Shark Week when you can indulge in Cow Week. Granted, cows get enough attention with them being the main ingredient in burgers and such.

      But, if it makes you feel any better, I was clearly unable to think of an animal that you could base an entire week off of.

      Delete
  2. BLIND CAVE SALAMANDER WEEK: How one blind cave salamander ended up stumbling onto the doomsday button at a nuclear test site.

    Recorded deaths: 6,903,845,440

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oh boy, that thing is pretty hideous, but I can't believe I've never heard of this. The American people have been blinded much like this cave salamander.

      Delete
  3. I've spent my life terrified of sharks but all this media attention is prompting people to kill sharks indiscriminately and the oceans need sharks badly.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hear, hear. They are fairly docile creatures, if I dare say so. But, yeah. It's time to focus on an animal that's overpopulated and much more dangerous: The HUMAN!

      Delete
  4. Donkey week: you've heard before that more people are killed by donkeys each year than they are in airplane crashes, and now we're going to devote a whole WEEK to horrific donkey related murders!

    Also, in all fairness to Shark Week, they've done a pretty good job of getting bro's to learn about something that they normally wouldn't give a shit about by making Shark Week seem 'cool'.

    "Dude, bro, like... did you know the shark is a fish? That's tight, yo!"

    Good job, Brayden. Good job. You get a Keystone Light for learning another fact...

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Donkey Week can focus on how many people have snapped into a blind rage and swirved into a light post after hearing 'Dominque the Donkey' for the 24th time on a single day in December.

      I know more about shark teeth than I know about my own. I suppose I owe that credit to Shark Week.

      Delete
  5. What about Human Week? I bet the death tolls per year are pretty large and I'm sure there are plenty of good survival stories.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Stephen Hayes had me thinking about that in the comments above. I really bit the pooch on that one... or whatever the expression is.

      Delete
  6. This is probably going to be the best Shark Week ever. I mean, those reruns you talk about will have to make way for up-to-the-minute reports about sharknados.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Sharknados, sharkvalanches, sharkicanes, sharklizzards, shark-DMV you name it, Shark week's covering it all.

      Delete
  7. And there's me thinking shark week was an insurance company advertising campaign!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Would that fall under my homeowner's policy?

      Delete
    2. Safe-Shark Insurance: Are you being crushed by Jaws? Don't worry, we'll get you back to the way you... was? Bah, it needs some work.

      Delete