Thursday, August 8, 2013

Global Warming: The Boost Our Economy Needs

I'm getting sick of people focusing on the downside of global warming. Wah, species will be wiped out and disease will run rampant. Boo hoo. I wish they would just quit whining, and focus on the benefits this all could have for us. Think of all the job opportunities that could arise from the effects of global warming. Global warming could be that boost we need to overcome this economic collapse. To get the ball rolling, I've suggested a few jobs that could be implemented once global warming nears its peak.

Polar Bear Taxi Drivers

According to science, polar bears are drowning because they have to swim longer distances to get to the grocery market and the local Redbox. Instead of watching polar bears succumbing to a premature, watery grave while attempting to deliver a cup of sugar to their neighbor, why not offer safe voyage through the use of taxi drivers? Now, I know what you’re thinking: “But Chiz, taxi cabs don’t float!” Well, what if we substituted boats for sedans? The polar bears could offer fish scales or seal skin as currency in order to gain access to the taxi boats. I mean, they’ll eventually have to create a self-sustaining economy based on their currency, and exchange rates would have to be eventually calculated, but that’s the easy part. Voila! No more soggy polar bear corpses clogging up the ocean!

Taxi?! Damn, I shouldn't have blew all my money at the North Pole Dancers club. (Image Source)


Ocean Blowers

Science also states that an increase in the ocean’s temperature by 3.6 degrees Fahrenheit would be enough to wipe out 97 percent of the world’s coral reefs. I’m thinking because that’s just too hot for them. So, imagine this: say you have a pizza that’s too hot, what do you do? You blow on it to cool it down, correct?  That’s essentially what this job will entail. If the ocean seems to be getting a bit too warm, ocean blowers will flock to the beach and blow on the water until it is the appropriate temperature. With enough of these workers, we may be able to save the coral reefs.

You're not going to blow anything with those pursed lips (No, I'm not above sex jokes). (Image Source)

Integrating Species Coordinator

Another effect of global warming is the northward migration of certain animals and alpine plants to cooler climates. With all this integration, things have the probability of getting out of hand. Therefore, it is imperative that we employ integrating species coordinators (ISCs) to ease the tensions. When red foxes start inhabiting arctic fox regions, tensions may begin to rise. However, throw an ISC into the mix, and he’ll quickly get to work engaging the foxes in intramural activities to repair the racial tensions and reveal that, aside from appearance, they aren’t all that different.

Hymenoxis grandifloras in the tundra? There goes the neighborhood. (Image Source)

Bee Waker-Uppers


Alright the name could use some work, but according to some more science, plants may begin blooming before pollinating insects—such as bees—become active. Therefore, we’re going to need a staff to go wake up these bees so that they can get to work. We can’t sit idly by as the bees slumber through the season of plant love-making. They need to get out there and fellatiate some flowers or whatever it is they do.

You're not suppose to let the bees in the helmet, you big dummy! (Image Source)

There you have it, and these are just a few of the job opportunities that can be employed. Think of the current businesses that will thrive like never before such as sunscreen and gas mask manufacturers. I, for one, think we should continue living the way we are and let global warming run its course. More people will jump on the bandwagon when they see the benefits it has on the economy; I'm sure of it.

20 comments:

  1. I volunteer to be an ocean blower. I love the beach and love a great reason to catch a tan. Win Win for me!! Oh, and the environment too, I suppose.

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    1. That'd definitely be my number one job choice. "Chiz, you're needed on the beach. The water's starting to get pretty warm."

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  2. Chiz, you are a genius; such a wonderful mind!

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    1. Why thank you very much, Bryan. I try my best to come up with these brilliant ideas.

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  3. I'm already stockpiling fresh water and air for when the ecology collapses. Then I'm going to set up a stall and rake in the profits.

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    1. You can charge people insurmountable sums of money to breathe in your fresh air and drink your clean water. Sounds like a brilliant idea. I can't wait!

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  4. Extremely clever and entertaining post.

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    1. Thanks, Stephen. It's all for the sake of humanity.

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  5. I leave the front door to my place cracked open a lot, thereby air conditioning the neighborhood.

    Always willing to do my part, even if no one is paying me to do so!

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    1. I'm glad I'm not alone in this. I do my part by using hairspray outdoors, and I barely have any hair.

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  6. I volunteer to drive polar bears around! Especially cute baby polar bears with giant paws and over-protective mothers! I think that's my dream job.

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    1. Well, they'll want their children to have safe passage through the unforgining sea, right? Ah, well if you get mauled, be sure to leave the keys in the dashboard.

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  7. Wow dude, you are a few bubbles shy of north. And I think your acronym was supposed to be ISC's not ISO's. Just saying, I watching.

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    1. I don't even know what that means, but if the bubbles are filled with carbon dioxide, then let 'em rip! Also, I switched the ISOs to ISCs. I write my posts at work, and I'm not always the most attentive at work.

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  8. I think I would like the Integrating Species Coordinator job. I would imagine it would involve a lot of yelling at the animals and I like yelling at animals.

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    1. That's pretty much what I had in mind for the entire job. Degrading all animals so that they can bond over a common enemy.

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  9. Attention: I am currently holding the ozone hostage. Every hour on the hour I will spray an entire can of spray paint into the air until my demands are met. Probably money or something. Like $1,000,000 I guess? But be quick, because your precious polar bears and bees and beaches and foxes won't last long...

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    1. Be careful that you don't become addicted to huffing paint in the process. I support you in your endeavors, and I would be displeased to hear that you have become incapacitated due to your paint-induced high.

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  10. Damn dude, I can tell you're thinking big. I've always though that just telling the planet Earth to chill the fuck out could work.

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    1. I'm proactive in the fight to bring about global warming. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise.

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