Tuesday, July 9, 2013

Stuff I Betcha' Didn't Never Knowed (Part Duh!)

If you're my friend on Facebook, you can skip over this post because you've likely encountered these in my weekly Fun Fact Friday status updates. For those of you who aren't my friends (on Facebook), then prepare to be underwhelmed. Figured I'd mask my inactivity on Blogger by milking this post. Part One Here.

A 1600s Croatian man was attempting to hang himself following the loss of his lover. However, the frayed leather strap he used as a noose snapped, and he was left unscathed. He refused to remove the strap from his neck, claiming it was a more civil expression of his sorrow. People were so fascinated by this man's trendiness that they, too, began wearing these dangling neck straps. Thus came the invention of the necktie.

More comfortable than a business tie (Image Source).

Edward "Blackbeard" Teach actually had a red beard. However, being a closet-poet, the lack of alliteration in "Redbeard" perturbed him so much so that he dyed his beard black using stachybotrys, a toxic black mold. He was later killed by a firearm before the mold could take its effects.

Yar! I just plundered the booty of Bean-Hard Blacksmith.
You've probably never heard of him (Image Source).

The Paint Creek Mine War of 1912 was the result of a simple misunderstanding regarding the Code 4109 Regulation. It was mistakenly thought that the newly imposed labor laws applied to miners rather than minors.

There was actually a man nicknamed Cotton-Eyed Joe. In 1863, a gentleman by the name of Joseph Merril fought for the Union at the Battle of Gettysburg. He lost his left eye when he came in contact with shrapnel from cannon fire. To stanch the bleeding and prevent infection, Joseph tore off a piece of his cotton tunic and filled the gap. Hence came the name: Cotton-Eyed Joe.

Potpourri was invented in 17th Century France when regent Marie de' Medici was so fed up with Louis XIII soiling his undergarments during council meetings that she resorted to stuffing his drawers with decaying flowers to mask the embarrassing odor.

The wincing of his mid-meeting poops were often misinterpreted
as distaste for newly proposed laws (Image Source).

Immediately following the conquest of Constantinople, Mehmed II, Sultan of the Ottoman Empire, sat upon what he presumed was the former throne of Palaiologos. However, to his surprise, he was in fact sitting upon a leg rest. Henceforth, leg rests that double as chairs have adopted the name 'ottomans'.

Mehmed II was not known for his seated elegance (Image Source).

Snow is an accumulation of bird urine and jet fuel that's absorbed by clouds. Upon freezing, it gains enough density to journey back down to Earth.

"Obi Wan Kenobi" is the pronunciation of the common Latin phrase, "He who stares at stars."

It's the Little Dipper; not the big Dipper!
Are you prepared to back up your insolence in a duel?


18 comments:

  1. Thanks for the fascinating information. Now I'm ready if any of this comes up during my next game of Trivial Pursuit.

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    1. Be sure to credit Chiz Chat when you're winning millions at your local Trivia tournaments.

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  2. You have a wonderfully warped mind, Chiz. But I love it!

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    1. It took a good amount of effort to turn out this way.

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  3. I think we need more fashion originating from failed suicide attempts. On a related note, why don't more people wear those joke arrow-through-the-head headbands??

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    1. Good point. I mean Robin Hood only shot rich people with arrows, right? Joke arrow-through-the-head headbands can be attributed to wealth in that case.

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  4. I feel an nth-degree smarter now. Oh happy days. Oh, and thanks for spoiling my snow-eating!

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    1. I rescued you from your snow-eating. I also forgot about the human fecal matter that's suspended in the clouds during plane fly-bys.

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  5. Wow Chiz, you're just like David Starkey, only without the deep-seating sexism. Good work!

    By the way, was Cotton-Eyed Joe ever married? If so, how long ago?

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    1. Ah, if only I could mimic his mesmerizing porn-stache.

      Oh, and Cotton-Eyed Joe was married long time go. Probably around the birth of Christ.

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  6. The Obi Wan Kenobi thing makes sense.

    Usually, when i encounter someone who doesn't speak English, i just keep yelling "Jar Jar Binks" at them. And it must mean something in some other language, because they always smile and leave me alone after that.

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    1. I can definitely understand that happening. Afterall, Jar Jar Binks is the worse thing to happen to Hollywood since... well, ever.

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  7. I think I remember reading about that Obi Wan Kenobi one in the Bible.

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    1. He has his own book in the Bible. It's in-between The Book of Gandalf and Vaderonomy.

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  8. Well, I'm your Facebook friend, but I only knew about half of these. Why? Because according to Facebook's algorithm, it's more important to know that some chick I went to elementary school with 20 years ago just ate a burrito than to read a hilarious Fun Friday Fact.

    What I'm saying is fuck you, Facebook.

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    1. I found a way to unfollow those people on Facebook (if you hide their post, it gives you the option to unsubscribe from them). But, yeah. Facebook always finds a way to clutter my news feed with the most uninteresting and infuriating statuses. Though, I do always get the A Beer For The Shower posts which is quite excellent.

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  9. I guess my snow eating days are now over. Thanks man, thanks a lot! You ruin everything!

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    1. You should thank me! Snow is loaded with calories and preservatives!

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