Monday, July 15, 2013

Cover Letter Example

2% Low Fat Yogurt Ave.
Townsingtonfieldville, MA OhToOhOhOh
1-555-145-65474745-545222154524
IKissStrangers22152@gmail.com

Dear Sir/Madam,

I’m writing you this letter to express my interest in discussing the Taint Massager position at Cunnilinger-Around, Inc. in Boston, MA. I believe my experience and education makes me a competitive candidate for this position.

I possess key strengths that would benefit me in this job opportunity including a background in manscaping and eyebrow threading. Honestly, I could tediously ramble about my experiences for hours, but let’s skip the formalities. I’m sure you’ve heard them all before. What sets me apart from the rest of the candidates, though, is something I take great pride in: My impeccable bathroom etiquette.

-I’m prompt to apologize when I accidentally make eye contact through the crack of a stall door. Though, I believe there’s nothing to be ashamed of regarding the passing glance of a man at his most vulnerable moment.
 
Back straight! Chest out! (Image Source)

-I am perfectly fine with one-ply toilet paper. They call me the One-Ply Guy. Work is a place for work, not a place for comfort. So, light a fire in your ass, and get back to your desk!

Wax paper roll by Charpin (Image Source).

-I never use a urinal next to one that is occupied. I give them their due space in that regard. Instead, I do the kind thing and file a line behind them while they make water. That way I’m completely out of sight but not quite out of mind.

-Often times I will flush the toilet 3 to 4 times post-relief so as to not leave a trace of my DNA in the porcelain. I’ve heard stories of men getting pregnant by swapping DNA with toilet bowls.

-I offer words of encouragement to those who appear to be having a difficult time in the stall. “Put some pressure on your rump to perform a successful dump!”

Keep this bathroom Lush! Do a courtesy flush!(Image Source)

I know proper bathroom etiquette is an essential—if not the most important—characteristic in any prospective employee. Therefore, I hope my list of examples has opened your eyes to the asset I could be to your team.

I’ll be looking forward to a call from you in the near future, and I appreciate your time and consideration.

Sincerely,


Mike Hunt

18 comments:

  1. I can't see a way you don't get the job here really. I also don't get why people actually use a urinal next to an empty urinal. Why would you do that?

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    Replies
    1. Savages do that. Savages that like to prey on the innocence of a man with his member in his hand.

      Delete
  2. He can have a job in my team tomorrow - toilet-etiquette is a seriously neglected area, IMO.

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    Replies
    1. You can say that again. I found a poop streak on the toilet seat last week. And that sentence just rhymed a boat-load.

      Delete
  3. As somebody who has to clean toilets in the real world, I applaud you etiquette. If the world had more courtesy flushers and less porcelain streakers we would be living on Mars by now I'm sure or at least all be millionaires and have flying cars - minimum.

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    Replies
    1. I completely agree. Spending too much time on bathroom sanition has distracted us from the real issues, like ice cream that doesn't melt.

      Delete
  4. If you can combine that bathroom etiquette with an ability to understand communal refrigerator etiquette, I don't see how you don't get to walk into any Fortune 500 company and name your position and salary.

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    Replies
    1. Ah, I forgot all about refrigerator etiquette. Oh, that reminds me, I left an apple in the fridge! How long has it been? 7... 27 weeks? Ah, well no sense in getting it now.

      Delete
  5. As a man who got pregnant from a toilet seat, I am pleased that there are angels like you in this world. As such, I want you to be the Godfather to my porcelain baby, Armitage Shanks.

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    Replies
    1. I'd be honored to be the Godfather of your porcelain prince, but when the copyright lawsuits start pouring in, I have no connection to that monster!

      Delete
  6. I am glad I stopped my. I must recommend some mental help for you and you fetishes. But I do agree with the muti=flush procedure...not having me no ass-babies!!!

    In one post you have rubbed off on me...and I don't mean it like THAT!!!

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    Replies
    1. It's elementary. If one does not want bum-babies, then one shalt now place one's buttocks on a singly-flushed toilet. I think Frost wrote that in one of his poems or something.

      Delete
  7. Oh but you forgot one thing in your cover letter, that I added to mine. As opposed to my McDonald's eating, Chipotle slamming competitors, I eat a very clean, healthy diet, meaning that when I go to the bathroom, I don't create a stink cloud so massive that the entire bathroom is rendered completely unusable for the next hour.

    Really, I've gone into office bathrooms so bad I either held it and waited for sepsis to come in or I pissed in the alley out back. It was either that or suffer toxic nerve damage.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yeah, there's a guy like that in my office. I see him leaving for the toilet, and I know to avoid using the bathroom for at least the morning. You walk in there and it feels like you didn't even take a shower that morning. You just feel disgusting for the rest of the day. It's like like the stink nestles in the fibers of your clothes, and although you can't smell it, you know it's there.

      Delete
  8. Replies
    1. Thanks! I appreciate it, Romina!

      Delete
  9. What a coincidence, my company happens to be looking for a well qualified and experienced bathroom goer. But keep in mind your only job duties would be going to the bathroom. Interested in relocating?

    P.S. duties.

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    Replies
    1. There is no distance too far when it comes to ensuring bathroom etiquette. And luckily for you, I have the bladder of a 2-year-old anxious child.

      Delete