Monday, July 15, 2013

Cover Letter Example

2% Low Fat Yogurt Ave.
Townsingtonfieldville, MA OhToOhOhOh

Dear Sir/Madam,

I’m writing you this letter to express my interest in discussing the Taint Massager position at Cunnilinger-Around, Inc. in Boston, MA. I believe my experience and education makes me a competitive candidate for this position.

I possess key strengths that would benefit me in this job opportunity including a background in manscaping and eyebrow threading. Honestly, I could tediously ramble about my experiences for hours, but let’s skip the formalities. I’m sure you’ve heard them all before. What sets me apart from the rest of the candidates, though, is something I take great pride in: My impeccable bathroom etiquette.

-I’m prompt to apologize when I accidentally make eye contact through the crack of a stall door. Though, I believe there’s nothing to be ashamed of regarding the passing glance of a man at his most vulnerable moment.
Back straight! Chest out! (Image Source)

-I am perfectly fine with one-ply toilet paper. They call me the One-Ply Guy. Work is a place for work, not a place for comfort. So, light a fire in your ass, and get back to your desk!

Wax paper roll by Charpin (Image Source).

-I never use a urinal next to one that is occupied. I give them their due space in that regard. Instead, I do the kind thing and file a line behind them while they make water. That way I’m completely out of sight but not quite out of mind.

-Often times I will flush the toilet 3 to 4 times post-relief so as to not leave a trace of my DNA in the porcelain. I’ve heard stories of men getting pregnant by swapping DNA with toilet bowls.

-I offer words of encouragement to those who appear to be having a difficult time in the stall. “Put some pressure on your rump to perform a successful dump!”

Keep this bathroom Lush! Do a courtesy flush!(Image Source)

I know proper bathroom etiquette is an essential—if not the most important—characteristic in any prospective employee. Therefore, I hope my list of examples has opened your eyes to the asset I could be to your team.

I’ll be looking forward to a call from you in the near future, and I appreciate your time and consideration.


Mike Hunt

Tuesday, July 9, 2013

Stuff I Betcha' Didn't Never Knowed (Part Duh!)

If you're my friend on Facebook, you can skip over this post because you've likely encountered these in my weekly Fun Fact Friday status updates. For those of you who aren't my friends (on Facebook), then prepare to be underwhelmed. Figured I'd mask my inactivity on Blogger by milking this post. Part One Here.

A 1600s Croatian man was attempting to hang himself following the loss of his lover. However, the frayed leather strap he used as a noose snapped, and he was left unscathed. He refused to remove the strap from his neck, claiming it was a more civil expression of his sorrow. People were so fascinated by this man's trendiness that they, too, began wearing these dangling neck straps. Thus came the invention of the necktie.

More comfortable than a business tie (Image Source).

Edward "Blackbeard" Teach actually had a red beard. However, being a closet-poet, the lack of alliteration in "Redbeard" perturbed him so much so that he dyed his beard black using stachybotrys, a toxic black mold. He was later killed by a firearm before the mold could take its effects.

Yar! I just plundered the booty of Bean-Hard Blacksmith.
You've probably never heard of him (Image Source).

The Paint Creek Mine War of 1912 was the result of a simple misunderstanding regarding the Code 4109 Regulation. It was mistakenly thought that the newly imposed labor laws applied to miners rather than minors.

There was actually a man nicknamed Cotton-Eyed Joe. In 1863, a gentleman by the name of Joseph Merril fought for the Union at the Battle of Gettysburg. He lost his left eye when he came in contact with shrapnel from cannon fire. To stanch the bleeding and prevent infection, Joseph tore off a piece of his cotton tunic and filled the gap. Hence came the name: Cotton-Eyed Joe.

Potpourri was invented in 17th Century France when regent Marie de' Medici was so fed up with Louis XIII soiling his undergarments during council meetings that she resorted to stuffing his drawers with decaying flowers to mask the embarrassing odor.

The wincing of his mid-meeting poops were often misinterpreted
as distaste for newly proposed laws (Image Source).

Immediately following the conquest of Constantinople, Mehmed II, Sultan of the Ottoman Empire, sat upon what he presumed was the former throne of Palaiologos. However, to his surprise, he was in fact sitting upon a leg rest. Henceforth, leg rests that double as chairs have adopted the name 'ottomans'.

Mehmed II was not known for his seated elegance (Image Source).

Snow is an accumulation of bird urine and jet fuel that's absorbed by clouds. Upon freezing, it gains enough density to journey back down to Earth.

"Obi Wan Kenobi" is the pronunciation of the common Latin phrase, "He who stares at stars."

It's the Little Dipper; not the big Dipper!
Are you prepared to back up your insolence in a duel?