2% Low Fat Yogurt Ave.
Townsingtonfieldville, MA OhToOhOhOh
I’m writing you this letter to express my interest in discussing the Taint Massager position at Cunnilinger-Around, Inc. in Boston, MA. I believe my experience and education makes me a competitive candidate for this position.
I possess key strengths that would benefit me in this job opportunity including a background in manscaping and eyebrow threading. Honestly, I could tediously ramble about my experiences for hours, but let’s skip the formalities. I’m sure you’ve heard them all before. What sets me apart from the rest of the candidates, though, is something I take great pride in: My impeccable bathroom etiquette.
-I’m prompt to apologize when I accidentally make eye contact through the crack of a stall door. Though, I believe there’s nothing to be ashamed of regarding the passing glance of a man at his most vulnerable moment.
Back straight! Chest out! (Image Source)
-I am perfectly fine with one-ply toilet paper. They call me the One-Ply Guy. Work is a place for work, not a place for comfort. So, light a fire in your ass, and get back to your desk!
Wax paper roll by Charpin (Image Source).
-I never use a urinal next to one that is occupied. I give them their due space in that regard. Instead, I do the kind thing and file a line behind them while they make water. That way I’m completely out of sight but not quite out of mind.
-Often times I will flush the toilet 3 to 4 times post-relief so as to not leave a trace of my DNA in the porcelain. I’ve heard stories of men getting pregnant by swapping DNA with toilet bowls.
-I offer words of encouragement to those who appear to be having a difficult time in the stall. “Put some pressure on your rump to perform a successful dump!”
Keep this bathroom Lush! Do a courtesy flush!(Image Source)
I know proper bathroom etiquette is an essential—if not the most important—characteristic in any prospective employee. Therefore, I hope my list of examples has opened your eyes to the asset I could be to your team.
I’ll be looking forward to a call from you in the near future, and I appreciate your time and consideration.