Wednesday, June 12, 2013

The Fruit Fly Infestation

They took us by surprise. Not that we didn't see them coming, but their original numbers were so few that they bore no significance. Well, we were sorely mistaken.

Picture of two assholes fornicating in my cereal (Source).
They flooded into our home in droves. The invasion came under the cover of darkness... or our ignorance to details. Nevertheless, the fruit flies occupied our domain and quickly began to flourish. We coexisted for a time, but once they started landing in our beers and shit, we knew something had to be done. It was time to commence an old-fashioned muscacide.

We recruited the adhesive strength of the molasses-like strip trap, the acidic aroma of the liquid trap, and the Electric Lazor Racket 2000. We weren't cutting corners; we positioned these soldiers right in the thick of the action, all at once.  Despite their courageous efforts and unrelenting dedication, the flies were just too abundant.*

My roommate and I thought about living side-by-side with the invaders, but as two white males, we were not prepared nor willing to become the minority, especially in our own house. We continued the fight, losing ground everyday. It wasn't until we were forced into a corner that we looked up and discovered the root of our salvation. There, up in the corner of our home, was our solution. A spider.

Yep, this ruthless futha-mucker already had 4 fruit flies entangled in his web. So we decided to recruit more. We returned with a shoebox of spiders and let loose our fearless allies upon the hoard. They made quick work of the fruit flies, ensnaring them in their death webs and draining the blood from their inferior bodies.

(Source)
We had our victory and the spiders had their fill. However, we encountered a new problem: There were tons of spiders in our apartment.

I don't know how I'd forgotten about my fear of spiders during the aforementioned escapade, but it was time to think of a new plan. We already new traps wouldn't work; we had first-hand experience of that.

"Frogs," shouted my roommate... and so, frogs it was. They made short work of the spiders, but now our home was infested with frogs. "Nothing a few snakes couldn't take care of, right?"

Well, 27 species later, and we're dealing with a lion and half-a-dozen hyena carcasses in our tiny apartment while trying to figure out a way to fit an elephant through the door.

I'm thinking of making it a pay-per-view event (Source).

I'm open to suggestions if y'all got any. In the meantime, I'm hiring a demo-crew to figure out some way to clear passage for this elephant.

*Those sticky, molasses-like strip traps actually did the trick for those generally interested.

14 comments:

  1. Just put a couple of teenagers in and they will eat everything. They're easy to get rid of as well just show them a vacuum cleaner or bottle of washing up liquid.

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    1. I'll throw them a bottle of Red Hot and tell them to have at it. Unfortunately, we don't have a hose on our vaccuum cleaner; otherwise, I'd be personally responsible for the decimation of an entire generation of fruit flies.

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  2. As they are fruit flies, I take it they really like fruit. You could get them a fruit basket, but leave it outside and leave the doors and windows open to lure them out. When the flies gather on the basket, run it over in your car. The perfect trap.

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    1. I did what you said, but I was unfortunately later informed that a cactus is not a fruit. Now I have to replace my tires. Sheesh, what a day.

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  3. I think your next step is to release a bunch of fruit flies in your apartment. They are annoying enough that the lion and elephant will want to leave. Problem solved.

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    1. I don't know why I didn't think of that. Thanks for the help, Christian! Hopefully, fruit flies don't hold grudges.

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  4. This is amazing, and because I'm the gullible sort I absolutely believe you. I bet you'd give a lot to play poker with me, right?

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    1. Well, apparently everyone I play at poker says I play recklessly and without caution, yet I walk away with money most of the time. I guess I must be doing something right.

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  5. If I've learned anything about training animals from Cesar Millan on TV, it's that you need to display dominance. Put the elephant on its back and scratch its belly to show it that you're the alpha. It worked for my miniature greyhound, which I think we all know is practically the same animal.

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    1. Ughh, it's skin is so leathery and it makes my nails feel weird when I scratch it. Blugh, I- I think it's... purring?

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  6. I knew an old lady who did this exact thing!

    I think she died...

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    1. Was the pack of wolves, the half-dozen hyenas, the lion, or the elephant that did her in. At least tell me she made it to that tier and didn't fall prey to the mongooses or wombats.

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  7. When shit hits the fan like that in any of my dwelling, I pack up and move.

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    1. Well, those sticky tape things worked wonders. We set up 2 lines of tape, and each had about 200 dead flies on them.

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