Wednesday, June 26, 2013

Miley Cyrus And The Secret of The Century

From the wildly informative Huffington Post comes a new saga from the life of tween sensation Miley Cyrus.

Before she bleached her hair (Image Source).

Miley Cyrus has threatened to reveal a secret about her father to the public if he refuses to call her back or something. I don't know. I didn't read the whole article, but the details don't matter. All that matter is that our insatiable appetite for celebrity gossip will be momentary crippled.

In anticipation for the impending arrival of said secret, I've begun to compile a list of possibilities. So, before Miley can air her family's dirty laundry to the starving public, I present to you... Well, as I stated a sentence ago, a list of possible secrets she could relay.

1) The goatee gracing Billy Ray Cyrus' lower lip covers up the trans-communication device that forwards a live feed from Earth to Sector X-3 where his fellow Gorblachs are actively preparing for an all-scale invasion.

Careful not to confuse Gorblahs with these here Gelgameks (Image Source).

2) He sold Miley's soul to Disney to raise the funds necessary to mend his Achy Breaky Heart.

Only a few more souls before his resurrection is complete (Image Source).

3) He played god by taking a rib from Justin Bieber and using it to create Miley.

He's had no control over his bowels since that fateful day (Image Source).

4) Billy Ray Cyrus is actually Keith Urban.

Don't let the accent fool you (Image Source).

5) He, too, thought Miley Cyrus and Hannah Montana were two unrelated people.

I actually had a heated argument with a friend whether they were different people.
I was on the losing side (Image Source).

6) He thinks Smirnoff Ices are "okay".

Figured I'd ruin your day by posting this rage-inducing pic (Image Source).

7) Brokeback Mountain is the retelling of the romance had between Billy Ray and Garth Brooks.

Too afraid to look up a picture because I'm searching for all of these at work.
Already ran into a naked picture of Minnie Mouse while googling "Disney Steals Souls".


8) He's color-blind.




So, there you have it. Just remember, when Miley reveals any of the aforementioned statements, you heard it here first at Chiz Chat!

This better boost my site traffic. I've hit all the topics that tweens are talking about, right? Ah, who am I kidding? I'm selling out like a Tickle-Me Elmo on Black Friday. Damn, this is a whole new low for me. Oh well, here's hoping TMZ finds room for me on their panel of lifeless nerds.

18 comments:

  1. Your absence here has been duly noted. And Miley has not aged well to this point. Her whoreish character on Two And A Half Men is, well...whoreish!!

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    1. This secret has kept me occupied for quite some time which explains my absence, but I had no idea she was on Two And A Half Men. I'm assuming it's the newer episodes?

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  2. What?? Miley Cyrus and Hannah Montana are the same person?? Well I be a crackwhore's pimp!

    And what's wrong with Smirnoff Ice...apart from the fact it's Smirnoff Ice? :)

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    1. I nearly lost consciousness when I discovered they were the same person. And, Smirnoff Ices and other fruity beverages give me terrible heartburn.

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  3. Miley Cyrus' secret is that she's actually Hannah Montana.

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    1. Next you're going to tell me Clark Kent is Superman. Get real.

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  4. No one likes Smirnoff Ice, so that's out. I'm rooting for option 7, that would be great. Billy Ray is obviously the catcher in that scenario.
    And don't worry, selling out would involve getting paid. If you've found a way to monetize this I will gladly join you in selling out.

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    1. Oh, no doubt. Garth Brooks is pretty butch; he'd make a terrible bottom.
      Oh, and that's good. I think the only way for me to make money on writing is if people are paying me to shut up.

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  5. I think the real secret is that he still has a mullet under his Keith Urban wig. Or maybe after all these years he's gone bald and it's a skullet. Either that, or I bet he's a robot and his douchey little soul patch is actually the self destruct button. She's going to press that baby and make his robot brains rocket out the top of his metal skull.

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    1. You know, I was playing around with the idea that he was some kind of robot until I realized that a robot would definitely go for an electric guitar, not that twangy, wood-polished thing he's always carrying around.

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  6. I thought Billy Ray Cyrus and Garth Brooks were the same person. Or is it Billy Ray Cyrus and Chris Gaines are the same person?

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    1. Here's hoping we soon find out. The public has a right to know!

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  7. I hope that when Miley releases her father's dark secret unto the world, it doesn't take valuable space that Huffington Post could otherwise use talking about side boob.

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    1. "Did you hear? Just Bieber got caught pissing in an outhouse! Also, Selena Gomez is in love with kitten stickers! Oh, yeah. And there's some unrest in the Middle East or something. Whatever. Oh, but did you hear about what happened to Brad Pitt and Angelina?!"

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  8. He does look like Keith Urban. So I don't know who Keith Urban is, but it doesn't matter. The resemblance is uncanny. Miley Cyrus looks like a potato.

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    1. Long time no see, Nellie! Keith Urban is a country singer, and because he is a country singer, I greatly dislike him. And, she looks awfully like an unripe potato, indeed.

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  9. Her big secret is that her dad wants to grow boobs and get milked by Justin Bieber. It'll happen, just you wait and see!

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    Replies
    1. We have the technology, and unfortunately, he has a creepy fanbase that would be willing to fund this procedure.

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