Wednesday, June 26, 2013

Miley Cyrus And The Secret of The Century

From the wildly informative Huffington Post comes a new saga from the life of tween sensation Miley Cyrus.

Before she bleached her hair (Image Source).

Miley Cyrus has threatened to reveal a secret about her father to the public if he refuses to call her back or something. I don't know. I didn't read the whole article, but the details don't matter. All that matter is that our insatiable appetite for celebrity gossip will be momentary crippled.

In anticipation for the impending arrival of said secret, I've begun to compile a list of possibilities. So, before Miley can air her family's dirty laundry to the starving public, I present to you... Well, as I stated a sentence ago, a list of possible secrets she could relay.

1) The goatee gracing Billy Ray Cyrus' lower lip covers up the trans-communication device that forwards a live feed from Earth to Sector X-3 where his fellow Gorblachs are actively preparing for an all-scale invasion.

Careful not to confuse Gorblahs with these here Gelgameks (Image Source).

2) He sold Miley's soul to Disney to raise the funds necessary to mend his Achy Breaky Heart.

Only a few more souls before his resurrection is complete (Image Source).

3) He played god by taking a rib from Justin Bieber and using it to create Miley.

He's had no control over his bowels since that fateful day (Image Source).

4) Billy Ray Cyrus is actually Keith Urban.

Don't let the accent fool you (Image Source).

5) He, too, thought Miley Cyrus and Hannah Montana were two unrelated people.

I actually had a heated argument with a friend whether they were different people.
I was on the losing side (Image Source).

6) He thinks Smirnoff Ices are "okay".

Figured I'd ruin your day by posting this rage-inducing pic (Image Source).

7) Brokeback Mountain is the retelling of the romance had between Billy Ray and Garth Brooks.

Too afraid to look up a picture because I'm searching for all of these at work.
Already ran into a naked picture of Minnie Mouse while googling "Disney Steals Souls".

8) He's color-blind.

So, there you have it. Just remember, when Miley reveals any of the aforementioned statements, you heard it here first at Chiz Chat!

This better boost my site traffic. I've hit all the topics that tweens are talking about, right? Ah, who am I kidding? I'm selling out like a Tickle-Me Elmo on Black Friday. Damn, this is a whole new low for me. Oh well, here's hoping TMZ finds room for me on their panel of lifeless nerds.

Wednesday, June 12, 2013

The Fruit Fly Infestation

They took us by surprise. Not that we didn't see them coming, but their original numbers were so few that they bore no significance. Well, we were sorely mistaken.

Picture of two assholes fornicating in my cereal (Source).
They flooded into our home in droves. The invasion came under the cover of darkness... or our ignorance to details. Nevertheless, the fruit flies occupied our domain and quickly began to flourish. We coexisted for a time, but once they started landing in our beers and shit, we knew something had to be done. It was time to commence an old-fashioned muscacide.

We recruited the adhesive strength of the molasses-like strip trap, the acidic aroma of the liquid trap, and the Electric Lazor Racket 2000. We weren't cutting corners; we positioned these soldiers right in the thick of the action, all at once.  Despite their courageous efforts and unrelenting dedication, the flies were just too abundant.*

My roommate and I thought about living side-by-side with the invaders, but as two white males, we were not prepared nor willing to become the minority, especially in our own house. We continued the fight, losing ground everyday. It wasn't until we were forced into a corner that we looked up and discovered the root of our salvation. There, up in the corner of our home, was our solution. A spider.

Yep, this ruthless futha-mucker already had 4 fruit flies entangled in his web. So we decided to recruit more. We returned with a shoebox of spiders and let loose our fearless allies upon the hoard. They made quick work of the fruit flies, ensnaring them in their death webs and draining the blood from their inferior bodies.

We had our victory and the spiders had their fill. However, we encountered a new problem: There were tons of spiders in our apartment.

I don't know how I'd forgotten about my fear of spiders during the aforementioned escapade, but it was time to think of a new plan. We already new traps wouldn't work; we had first-hand experience of that.

"Frogs," shouted my roommate... and so, frogs it was. They made short work of the spiders, but now our home was infested with frogs. "Nothing a few snakes couldn't take care of, right?"

Well, 27 species later, and we're dealing with a lion and half-a-dozen hyena carcasses in our tiny apartment while trying to figure out a way to fit an elephant through the door.

I'm thinking of making it a pay-per-view event (Source).

I'm open to suggestions if y'all got any. In the meantime, I'm hiring a demo-crew to figure out some way to clear passage for this elephant.

*Those sticky, molasses-like strip traps actually did the trick for those generally interested.