Tuesday, May 14, 2013

Is My Dog Allergic to Your Product?

Subject: I think my dog may be allergic to your product.
To: customerservice@petoga.com
From: DarkMageBoners69@aol.com

Hello Customer Service Rep,

I recently bought the Alfie Couture Designer Cross Necklace for my dearly beloved dog Pogo. Fellow members of the HOWDDIHAA (Humans Obsessed With Dressing Dogs in Human Attire Association) recommended your products to me.
I bought this necklace for my dog (or should I say, best friend) because I thought he could use a bit more faith in his life because, after all, God spelled backward backward is dog.

And Dog said, "Thou shalt not partake of the vacuum. For if thou shalt partake of the
vacuum, there will be much snarling and gnashing of teeth." (Image Source)

Well, let me tell you how wrong I was to purchase this cross necklace:

Upon adorning my dog with the designer jewelry, he seemed to have an adverse reaction to it. I decided to record a day-to-day log of his response.

Day 1:
Pogo keeps pawing at the necklace. No matter how many times I readjust it, he doesn't seem to like the fit. I mean, it hangs pretty loose. For crying out loud, I can fit three fingers through the loop! Maybe I'll give him some time to get used to it.

Day 2:
I've heard about people having a negative reaction to religious relics, but this is just ridiculous. I left him outside for a few hours on this beautiful, sunny day. However, as I went to let him in, to my surprise, there was an entire flock of dead swallows in my backyard!

Birds of a feather, push daisies together. (Image Source)

Day 3:
Upon waking this morning, Pogo stand at the foot of my bed chanting some ritualistic sounding speech. A talking dog? How silly, I thought. However, I couldn't understand what he was saying. I originally thought he was speaking Spanish, but after entering the words into Google Translate, I instantly found the origin of the language:


Day 4:
His eyes appear sunken and two large bumps have appeared on the sides of his neck. Brushing aside the fur, it appears that these bumps have little puppy fetus faces. Despite how adorable they look, I decided to WebMD this peculiar allergic reaction. WebMD said something along the lines of daemonic possession (?), but I know better than to trust WebMD. I once entered symptoms of a tiny rash on my wrist, and WebMD said I had the Bubonic plague, yet here I stand, Black Death free. Oh, and the chants continue.

Day 5:

Yep, those are definitely heads growing out of his neck. Imagine that! A three headed dog. Triple the cuddles! Though, I know with every blessing comes a curse. Once I noticed Pogo bleeding from every orifice, I knew it was time to get in contact with you guys.

Better buy more dog food, teehee. (Image Source)

So, here I am. I was wondering whether you guys have placed out a recall on this product that I may have mistakenly overlooked. Am I the first customer to report such a claim? If you guys could get in touch with me, it'd be greatly appreciated!

Thanks a bunch,
Chiz

P.S. The necklace still looks beautiful on him despite his dramatic transformation.

23 comments:

  1. Eh, that's quite minor as far as allergies go.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I figured I'd nip this thing in the butt before it got worse.

      Delete
  2. Haha ha! I particularly love your email address. Although, now I really want the Alfie Couture Designer Cross Necklace because I've always wanted a Cerberus. A great endorsement, I say!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Then it's a steal if that's your goal! I may have inadvertently boosted the sale of Alfie Couture Dog Jewelry. I think I deserve some commission.

      Delete
  3. LMAO!Wait, you waited until he started bleeding from every orifice before you called someone? Er, did the religious chanting, not tip you off that all might not be okay? :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I thought it was a bit odd, but I figured it'd go away on its own. Boy was I wrong!

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  4. Replies
    1. Or perhaps he was bitten by a demon tick. Endless possibilties really. Though, if I can get some free stuff by complaining to Alfie Couture, then I've accomplished something.

      Delete
  5. Just give him a bath and rub his belly three times a day. The effects should wear off in a couple days.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. *sarcastic tone* Thanks, Dan! I followed your advice, and now my hands are turning black and rotting away, and I keep vomiting up this green stuff.

      Delete
  6. There's no point trying to give your dog more faith in his life. Dogs don't have souls, so there's no chance of heaven for him.

    I hope this is of some comfort to you.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You mean 'All Dogs Go To Heaven' wasn't based on a true story?!

      Excuse me while I put my shattered spirit back together.

      Delete
  7. I hope you've thrown away this horrible device. Poor Pogo!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I would have removed it, but it appears that his skin has consumed and calcified it.

      Delete
  8. Dear Sir,

    We at Satan's Pet Pretties are so glad to hear that you like our product! We take pride in our products and appreciate customers like you who take the time to let us know how they've been beneficial.

    I do have to say, though, that I am a little confused as to what your complaint or concern is. You stated that the necklace looks lovely on your pet, and it sounds like you have now gained two more pets because of our product! That sounds like a success story to us!

    Thank you for your comments, and please let us know if we can be of any further service.

    Customer Service at Satanspetpretties.com

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I called your custumer service and all I heard was white noise and the faint screams of tortured souls... I just left a message, is that okay?

      Delete
  9. I am very excited to learn Google can translate Daemonic to English. This will save some time Saturday night at the "gathering".

    Oh, hope your dog is better!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Pogo was swallowed up by a strange abyss a few days back, but he's returned. It appears that he is pregnant now. I never new male dogs had babies.

      Delete
  10. A dog possessed by Satan? All you need is one hundred more and you will have 101 Damnations!

    (Sorry, but couldn't resist).

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. This comment is so perfect that I might as well not try anymore.

      Delete
    2. Where's the "like" button for this comment? lol

      Delete
  11. Let me guess, you didn't baptize your dog, did you?

    This all could have been completely avoided. It's not too late, though. Just shove his head in a toilet. Preferably a flushed toilet. The head dunking in water is the main thing. And hey, I hear dogs like toilets.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. My dog has apparently baptized himself a few time if the toilet is sufficient enough. Maybe this is the result of too much baptism? (If you drink too much water you drown=If you baptize yourself too many times you become the spawn of Satan?)

      Delete