Tuesday, May 14, 2013

Is My Dog Allergic to Your Product?

Subject: I think my dog may be allergic to your product.
To: customerservice@petoga.com
From: DarkMageBoners69@aol.com

Hello Customer Service Rep,

I recently bought the Alfie Couture Designer Cross Necklace for my dearly beloved dog Pogo. Fellow members of the HOWDDIHAA (Humans Obsessed With Dressing Dogs in Human Attire Association) recommended your products to me.
I bought this necklace for my dog (or should I say, best friend) because I thought he could use a bit more faith in his life because, after all, God spelled backward backward is dog.

And Dog said, "Thou shalt not partake of the vacuum. For if thou shalt partake of the
vacuum, there will be much snarling and gnashing of teeth." (Image Source)

Well, let me tell you how wrong I was to purchase this cross necklace:

Upon adorning my dog with the designer jewelry, he seemed to have an adverse reaction to it. I decided to record a day-to-day log of his response.

Day 1:
Pogo keeps pawing at the necklace. No matter how many times I readjust it, he doesn't seem to like the fit. I mean, it hangs pretty loose. For crying out loud, I can fit three fingers through the loop! Maybe I'll give him some time to get used to it.

Day 2:
I've heard about people having a negative reaction to religious relics, but this is just ridiculous. I left him outside for a few hours on this beautiful, sunny day. However, as I went to let him in, to my surprise, there was an entire flock of dead swallows in my backyard!

Birds of a feather, push daisies together. (Image Source)

Day 3:
Upon waking this morning, Pogo stand at the foot of my bed chanting some ritualistic sounding speech. A talking dog? How silly, I thought. However, I couldn't understand what he was saying. I originally thought he was speaking Spanish, but after entering the words into Google Translate, I instantly found the origin of the language:

Day 4:
His eyes appear sunken and two large bumps have appeared on the sides of his neck. Brushing aside the fur, it appears that these bumps have little puppy fetus faces. Despite how adorable they look, I decided to WebMD this peculiar allergic reaction. WebMD said something along the lines of daemonic possession (?), but I know better than to trust WebMD. I once entered symptoms of a tiny rash on my wrist, and WebMD said I had the Bubonic plague, yet here I stand, Black Death free. Oh, and the chants continue.

Day 5:

Yep, those are definitely heads growing out of his neck. Imagine that! A three headed dog. Triple the cuddles! Though, I know with every blessing comes a curse. Once I noticed Pogo bleeding from every orifice, I knew it was time to get in contact with you guys.

Better buy more dog food, teehee. (Image Source)

So, here I am. I was wondering whether you guys have placed out a recall on this product that I may have mistakenly overlooked. Am I the first customer to report such a claim? If you guys could get in touch with me, it'd be greatly appreciated!

Thanks a bunch,

P.S. The necklace still looks beautiful on him despite his dramatic transformation.

Wednesday, May 8, 2013

Update on Blog Status

Hey y'all,

Just thought I'd entertain you waste blog space by providing you all with an update of my whereabouts.

Essentially I've been lazy, but I feel as though I can round up a good amount of excuses to make it appear otherwise:

Excuse #1: It Rhymes with Tondominium

That's right! My roommate and I finally moved into my condo this past weekend. Much of my time has been devoted to attempting to assemble cheap furniture while suppressing my rage with copious amounts of alcohol.
I bought all this stuff at Ikea for $1.25. (Image Source)

Excuse #2: Slow Dancing with Dragons

I'm almost caught up with the A Song of Ice and Fire (Game of Thrones). I'm borrowing the 5th book from a coworker, and I want to get it back to him as soon as possible. However, I'm an incredibly slow reader because I just learned to read last year. Therefore, the time I usually devote to blogging is focused on reading this gigantic book at the moment.

Video contains minor show spoilers up to Season 2.

Excuse #3: WIP It. WIP It Good.

I've been getting slight work down on my work in progress. I have a chapter done, and though it may suck and not make much sense, I'm sticking with it. Essentially, I'm going to be focusing on many characters in the first-person. Therefore, I'm having issues adjusting the narration to each character. Also, the novel will start a few decades into a war. Therefore, I'm having issues portraying a complex background in the first-person. If anyone has tips, throw them at my face or force them down my throat or maybe in my butt.
I should just stop now.
I don't think I can live up to these standards. (Image Source)

Anyway. that's all I could come up with during my lunch break. Though, I will have an actual post up relatively soon. It's in the works.

But, thought I'd inform y'all why I've been a piece of garbage lately. I'll return soon... and yes, I've said that same sentence 40 times before.