Monday, April 22, 2013

#YOLOPhone

Chiz Chat is back, and boy, do I have an offer for you!

Has the iPhone become too mainstream for you? Are you filled with sadness and despair knowing that you are no longer one of a kind? Does the very thought of sharing one thing in common with the rest of humanity send your heart through an emotional shredder of emotional distress? Well, regain your individuality with the #YOLOPhone.
Go ahead and pat yourself on the back as you scoff at those passerby talking on their primitive iPhones. Relish the spotlight as the mindless drones flock to you for your approval. You're one of a kind, and you can prove that by purchasing the #YOLOPhone!

*Buy now and receive a complimentary headset, perfect for hands-free chat.

*Also, act fast, and you'll be eligible to receive another free gift, the hands-free face chat machine.

*Oh, and that's not all! With an additional payment of only $14.95, you can receive a bird crap deflection contraption.

*You think that's all? You must be a complete idiot! Add $5 to your order and shine bright with a hands-free spotlight!


*Call in the next 4 years and receive a brand new bumper device! Now you can devote all your attention to your phone and not have to worry about colliding with those pesky pedestrians.


Become a new you, and order today by calling this expensive toll-free hotline: 1 (800) URE-COOL


20 comments:

  1. I'm going to mail you my credit card. It has a $15,000 limit. Charge whatever you feel appropriate and send it back. I simply cannot put a price on this amazing device.

    #SWAG #YOLO #BitchesBeTrippin #OneLove

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I'm glad a sensible young lad with such technological prowess can see the potential that this one-of-a-kind contraption bears.

      Delete
  2. This is just the device I've been looking for! YOLO, unless you're Jesus.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. It's really all you need to survive, unless you're Jesus. He has superpowers and telepathy.

      Delete
  3. As much as I hate the word yolo with the fury of a thousand suns, I find the headset to be too awesome to pass up.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I hate it with the fires of a thousand AND ONE suns! But yeah, I tried thinking of a hipster/new age term that's annoying, and that's all I could think of.

      Delete
  4. Can I open multiple apps at the same time?

    I'm thinking I might need a second screen.

    I don't even know if I'll use it, really. I might just wear it to look cool... and so that people around me will THINK I'm having an important conversation.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You can absolutely have to screens. You have 2 eyes, do you not? You can have a phone on either side of your head!

      Also, the apparatus is very fashionable.

      Delete
  5. But does it come in different colors? And is the trench coat included? Does the trench coat come in different colors? Oh screw it I'll take four.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. It comes in light black, dark black, black black, and black panther. Although the trench coat is not included, buy enough bird poop deflection contraptions, and I'm sure you can fashion them into a trench coat.

      Delete
  6. I'm not really a trendsetter, more of a follower. I'll probably buy several of your amazing devices, after they become popular.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Well, don't tell the children, but I'm imagining this product will take off very soon.

      Delete
  7. I particularly like the idea of a bird crap deflector contraption; I'm surprised that great minds haven't thought of it before.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Their loss. Unlike them, I spend time on perfecting my product. They're more concerned with releasing a new phone every other week.

      Delete
  8. Dude, I seriously consider it, but then I remember that I'm embarrassed my iPhone is smarter than me. I'm afraid with such a technologically advanced device I could do amazing harm to myself and the world.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I only own dumb phones because I like the feeling of superiority. I swear it's not because I can't afford a smart phone.

      Delete
  9. Chiz, I don't know how much of a social commentary you were trying to make with this piece, but I'd like to bookmark this post for people 50 years in the future to go back to look at. Because in a way, the last picture actually represents what we are going to let technology do to us.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. It's already happening. Hell, the Google Glasses (or whatever they're called) are about to hit the market. That's already scary enough for me.

      Delete
  10. I am so getting one of these! The bumper thing sold me!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. The bumper is absolutely essential. Now there is never a need to divert attention away from your phone.

      Delete