Monday, March 11, 2013

Fashion Faux Paws

Animals with inflated egos are rapidly taking the reins of the internet and steering it in a direction many find unnerving. That's why Addman at Muppets for Justice and I decided to scrutinize these egotistical and vain animals, taking them down a peg in hopes of somehow rescuing the internet before irreversible damage befalls it. None of the previous statements are true; we just thought it'd be funny.

Pugsley Pugsington
Addman:  I wonder how many bones you have to own to be considered this "high-society" in the dog world.
Chiz: I don't know, but I feel that smug pugs like this one are quite repugnant.
Chiz: Not that he doesn't wear this Puggy Ellis pugsedo with the right amount of flair, but put that tongue away. It's incredibly distasteful.
Addman: How did he earn enough money to afford that tux? Certainly not from a modeling contract.
Addman: In social terms, he has the earth-worn look of a coal miner that has been involved in an unfortunate chip pan fire.
Chiz: Simply put, he's a slobbering mess, and look at those grotesque miniature thumbs.
Chiz: Something tells me he loss half his thumbs as the result of some bad luck at a poker match.
Addman: That thought is almost as horrible as those loosely fitted sleeves. If you ain't gonna get yo' tux tailored, then don't bother bro!
Chiz: Someone's been shy about hitting the gym.
Chiz: With a saggy, weathered face like that, who can blame him?
Addman: Indeed. His jowly chops suggest that he's a stranger to the term "walkies". No wonder he's wearing such a baggy tux. He's trying to cover up his unsightly physique.
Chiz: His cookie intake has been a cause for concern when it comes to his dogabetus.

Hannah Banana
Addman: Putting the clothes aside for a moment, does this monkey have a mullet?
Chiz: Monkey? I thought it was Garth Algar from Wayne's World.
Addman: I'm going to set up a charity for monkeys with poor hairstyling choices. Monkeys With Mullets. This picture will be on the campaign posters, to show how monkeys are forced to look in Lithuania.
Chiz: As long as you have Sarah McLachlan onboard, you should have no problem spreading the word.
Addman: "Please help poor Mojo. With your donations we can send out a barber to snip off his radioactive barnet and dye his coat a more fashionable shade of mauve"
Chiz: I can see the monkey's jumping on the meme-based McKayla Maroney bandwagon with that disappointed sideways grin.
Addman: To be fair, I would be "not impressed" if I was dressed like that.
Chiz: Is that a vest beneath a vest I see?
Chiz: I think she should look into in-vest-igating alternative wardrobe choices
Addman: Double vested? I think she's been har-vest-ing the bargain bins at the mall.
Addman: She should in-vest in more practical clothes.
Addman: Such as a pair of shoes that don't let wet in. As soon as that monkey steps in a puddle, those knitted monstrosities are going to absorb water faster than Usain Bolt on laxatives.
Chiz: They're going to take on more water than Leonardo DeCaprio in Titantic.
Addman: They'll be damper than the floor in front of a Taylor Lautner poster at a nunnery.
Chiz: They'll be soggier than the Golden Girls at a screening of Magic Mike.
Addman: They'll be wetter than a marine biologist’s handshake.

Stanky Purrl
Addman: "At least, my dream of starring in The Lion King can finally come to fruition"
Chiz: He looks like he's about to hit up the club and order a glass of Pride on the Rocks.
Addman: I bet the Lithuanian monkey from the last picture was present at his birth. He split a mango and rubbed it into the cat's forehead.
Chiz: They both probably starred in the B-movie The Lion King of Swag.
Chiz: YOLNT—You Only Live Nine Times
Addman: That's probably emblazoned onto the back of his coat. Although, I think the last time I saw a parka like this, Liam Gallagher was wearing it.
Addman: A cat who steals a parka from Liam Gallagher is a brave cat, regardless of how many lives he leads
Chiz: He has the thousand-mile stare like Liam. Perhaps he won it in a staring contest.
Addman: Chiz, I've got it! This is Liam's cat! The official Oasis mascot!
Addman: He's always fighting with other members of his litter, and tried to start a fight with Damon Albarn's dog.
Chiz: He's definitely been hitting the catnip like a rockstar, that's easy to say.

Casper a.k.a. The Ferret with Merit
Chiz: This would be Eminem if he were an Animorph.
Addman: Excellent. His first single would be "Without Fleas".
Addman: "Forgot about Dry Mix?"
Chiz: "Rodent's Beat Tape"
Addman: I wonder if there's an Animorph of Bruno we can gently lower onto his face for publicity?
Chiz: It'd probably be a naked mole rat dressed in pigeon feathers.
Addman: *sigh* if only there were more award ceremonies where it's appropriate to dangle a naked mole rat onto a ferret.
Addman: I'm sure David Attenborough would attend.
Chiz: I can picture David Attenborough slithering between the seats and whispering random ferret facts into celebrities’ ears.
Chiz: Actually, The Bora Tehara Awards in Toklau recently featured a duck tap dancing with a bi-polar polar bear this past month. I'm sure they'll accommodate this act next year... If only they weren't so opposed to hoodies.
Addman: Holy hell Chiz, I think you're going crazy. Don't Lose Yourself!
Addman: Getting back on topic, I'd love to see this little guy rolling down the street, nibbling bitches on the mean streets of Detroit.
Addman: Packing a pistol in his little cheeks.

Chuck
Chiz: "I'm in the ruffing business, but I'm no stranger to laying asphalt."
Addman: People who are against bringing pets to work should see this picture. This dog's handiwork is not half bad.
Chiz: He's not afraid to get his paws dirty.
Chiz: It only stands to reason that a foreman with four legs will be better than one that only has two.
Addman: I'd trust him to do a full renovation on my house. I'd have no bones about it.
Chiz: Not only that, but he looks rather fetching in that attire.
Addman: Indeed. I think dogs should be hired for all construction jobs. Mainly because you can't see their arse-crack poking over their jeans at all times.
Addman: Plus, it doesn't matter if they get killed because they don't have souls.
Chiz: Also, there won't be much hostility at the work place since most of them are all bark and no bite.
Chiz: Though all that ass sniffing could ring up a few sexual harassment lawsuits.
Addman: What do you mean? Men on construction sites inhale each other's anal fumes all the time. That's why they're always hanging out; easy ventilation.
Chiz: Yeah, but it's rare that they dump their feces in the middle of the shop floor and proceed to eat it.
Addman: I'll admit I've never seen that, but builders tend to make me rather uncomfortable. I just give them a cup of tea and leave them to it.
Addman: It's a little threatening to have a guy with forearms the size of tree trunks come into your home and list everything that's wrong, then take your money.
Addman: That's why a dog builder would be perfect!
Chiz: Well, the builders around my parts don't speak English, so I don't have to worry about the socializing aspect. Though I suppose I won't have that issue with dogs either.
Addman: We're missing a golden opportunity here. We should start a company of dog builders!
Addman: "If your wood is strained, in your roof rafters, who you gonna call? DOG BUILDERS!"
Chiz: "If there's a clog in your drain lines, look no further than our canines!"
Addman: "Bow-wow, bow-wow, bow-wow, bow-wow-wow-wowowow, we ain't 'fraid of no quotes!"
Chiz: "If the job requires opposable thumbs, you should get a human to do the work!"
Chiz: "If there's a splinter in your arc, bark bark bark bark bark!"
Chiz: "Something something roof, something something woof!"
Addman: "Don't cross the leads" *explosion*
Chiz: “Don't forget to fasten your safety goggles" *explosion*


23 comments:

  1. I find it very very unsettling to see animals in clothes. Especially cats as I know how tough it must be to put them on it. Unless it's a hamster in an aviator hat. That is beyond cute.

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    1. Especially pugs since they're so prone to heat strokes, but I can't deny how funny they look, though.

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  2. Those critters totally have that coming.

    Any self-respecting non-human would kill the human who tried to put clothes on them.

    NOT wearing clothes is the only thing I generally respect about animals.

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    1. Disassociating themselves from humans is the smartest thing non-human animals have done.

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  3. I like how the cat's wearing fur. If it's something like fox fur, that's some real street cred, especially for an animal that's functionally useless.

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    1. Yeah, he probably bought it with all the funds he's been cashing from selling catnip on the streets.

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  4. This reminded me of that Ikea monkey in clothes that was floating all over tumblr a few months back.

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    1. Ah, yeah! The IKEA monkey, right?

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  5. You two together are EPIC! Nuff said. :)
    Although I think I dated the monkey with a mullet, back in 89.

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    1. Thanks, Lily! And, you dated Garth Algar!? I'm jealous.

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  6. I cannot believe you named that Dog, "Chuck". You are making no friends here with your atavistic hatin'. Me and that badass monkey are going to do a little Chiz trapping later on...if you know what I mean. You saw Deliverance, right??

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    1. Well, I mean, he's the only animal we didn't trash-talk. So that there's got to be some consolation, right?

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  7. I love the way your minds work. After saying that, I will send you both some anti-psychotic medication

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    1. More psychotic medication? I've had to pick a majority of them up at the post office because they can't fit them in my mailbox anymore.

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  8. Thanks Chiz for having me, and thank you all for reading. And thanks to the stupid animals who wore stupid clothes for us to be stupid about.

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    1. Anytime. Whether it be near or far, or wherever you are.

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  9. Hannah Banana is the cutest! I don't agree with dressing animals, but I do admit to saying "awww" a few times as I looked at the pics. But these were all sweet, little domesticated animals...I sure didn't see you guys picking on any tough ones who are bigger than you! What's with that?

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    1. Because we're like wild animals. We only pick fights that we know we can win!

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  10. The simple mention of Sarah McLaughlin got that super-depressing song in my head. But also made me think all of these animals are abused more psychologically than any dog Michael Vick has ever owned has been abused physically. That might be the most offensive thing I've written since...well, best not to repeat that.

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    1. I only endorse psychological abuse when it's for the sake of putting out an enteraining blog post. Otherwise, I'd celebrate the dapper attire of these silly little animals.

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  11. That monkey is wearing way too much eye shadow. Makes him look ridiculous.

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    1. Perhaps he one of those animals that they test products on. Either way, he best get himself together.

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  12. :) a photo to post in instagram with a caption : OOTD or Outfit of the Day.. hahaha

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