Wednesday, January 16, 2013

Life Preparation 101 - Mr. Brazen

Mr. Brazen: Okay, class, listen up. Prior to your former principal, Mr. Chevinsky, hanging himself from the neck until dead, he left a suicide letter exclaiming the importance of life choices. "It's never too early to begin thinking of the future," is what he used to say. Therefore, in an attempt to carry on Mr. Chevinsky's legacy, I saw no better way than to use his unfortunate fate as an example. I welcome all of you Life Preparation 101... Yes, Billy, you have a question?

Student Billy: Mr. Brazen, may I go potty?

Mr. Brazen: Well, Billy, here in Life Preparation 101, you'll learn that sometimes you have to suffer for no other purpose than to please those who have more authority than you. I hold dominion over this classroom, and unfortunately for you, I possess the power to withhold that which will determine your future at Dahmer Elementary, your class grade. So to answer your question, no, you may not go to the restroom. But, kudos for using may instead of can.

Student Sarah: My mom always packs Kudos in my lunch.

Mr. Brazen: Sarah, your talking out of line will prove a good example for my next lesson, the long term consequences of civil disobedience. Since you have opposed the rules set by the establishment, you must be forced to "do time."

Student Sarah: Time out?

Mr. Brazen: In a sense, yes. You see that cage in the back of class?

Student Sarah: You mean the dog crate?

Mr. Brazen: Today it's purpose is more universal. That is to be your cell for the rest of the day.

Student Sarah: But, it smells like dog in there.

Mr. Brazen: The conditions do not matter. You have acted unjustly and must pay your dues. Now get in.

Student Sarah: I don't want to. I want to go home.

Mr. Brazen: Very well. Billy, take this ruler and hit Sarah with it until she complies.

Student Sarah: Fine, I'll go in the cage.

Mr. Brazen: And there you have it, children. Justice. Any questions? Yes, Marcus.

Student Marcus: My daddy is a policeman. I want to be a policeman like him when I grow up.

Mr. Brazen: While I can see where you derived the relevance of that statement, it is slightly off-topic. No matter. We might as well move onto the next lesson about life expectations. Take a look at me. Do you think I ever dreamed of standing in front of a classroom full of uninformed, diaper babies teaching them about the constraints of our miserable lives. Absolutely not. My goal was to become a promiscuous Hollywood star so that I could sleep with the likes of Jennifer Aniston and that hot chick from Black Knight. Not the one with Batman, the one where Martin Lawrence travels back in time and becomes a knight.

Student Leandra: My mom says I can't be whatever I want.

Mr. Brazen: See, that's a common misconception among children your age. This world has no need for more astronauts. You're attending school, so chances are that reality television is already out of your grasp. What this country needs is more office drones. Insurance is the only feasible line of work available to average, middle-class peons such as yourselves. The only way you could ever imagine to be that which you desire is to experiment with drugs. And I'm not talking about dank, back-alley weed. You need to hit the hard stuff. Acid, LSD, bath salts. This one time I was on acid,  I started battling this twin-headed dragon. After about 30 seconds of fighting, I dropped my sword, disgusted at what I'd become. So I instead gave the dragon a hug and we gazed upon the stars. Mufasa was there, too.

Student Leandra: What is insurance?

Mr. Brazen: That is a discussion for tomorrow, unfortunately. You see, Mr. Brazen has gone more than 5 hours without a lick of alcohol and has just recently come down with nauseating migraines.

Student Billy: I just peed in my pants.

Mr. Brazen: Alright, alright. Fine. Class is dismissed.

Student Marcus: But there's still 45 minutes left of class. Where will we go.

Mr. Brazen: Uh, just go to the bathroom and hang out there until your next class period. Try not to be sighted by any of my colleagues please. As for me, I got to run. My cars parked  in the back of the lot, and I'm relapsing pretty hard. 'Til tomorrow, children.

...

Student Sarah: Hello? Can can I be let out of this cage?

P.S. Sorry, I quickly wrote this up on my lunch break.

14 comments:

  1. I think Mr. Brazen worked at my Middle School. I remember him very well, up until the authorities came for him.

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    1. Luckily I didn't have him until Middle School, as well. He was straight out of the army and scary as hell.

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  2. Locking the kids in a dog-crate and making them face the humiliation of peeing their pants; these days the kids get off so lightly. When I was at school, our wood-work teacher would hit me on the head with a wooden mallet! It nefer didd me ani harm.

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    1. I know, right? I was forced to snip the skin tags off my teacher's back as punishment for not turning in my homework.

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  3. Note to self: Must see therapist about why I found " hanging himself from the neck until dead," so funny. Shock treatment obviously not working.

    Did you really write this up on your lunch break Chiz? If so, I am massively impressed. Loved it! :)

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    1. I got that from a movie. I forget which one, though.

      And, I thought it came out worse than it did, but I'm glad people enjoy my lunch break ramblings.

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  4. That sounds like one the coolest acid trips ever. I don't know what I want to do more now, do acid or become a teacher. I'd be just like this as one too, except I'd crush more dreams and drink less booze. Their tears shall sustain me.

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    1. I'm glad I've recruited more soon-to-be teachers to my cause. We must bury these open-minded children before they bury themselves... or something along those lines.

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  5. You are a twisted soul and you know that the dog crate should have been cleaned first. This could be big trouble for you!

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    1. Well, Mr. Jingles is quite the hygenic dog. Maybe the girl could learn a thing or two about cleanliness through Mr Jingles' habits.

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  6. This is what kids need these days - a dose of reality! ha ha ha

    This was awesome for being written on your lunch break - amazing, Chiz.

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    1. Thanks, Elsie! Yeah, it's imperative that we feed these children a shovel ful of reality at an early age.

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  7. I thought you just made Black Knight up, so I googled it to make sure. I can't believe that's a real movie. Good lord.

    Also, they make dog crates pretty spacious these days. And cozy. My dog's has a nice cushion on the bottom. So really, Sarah's kind of a huge bitch for complaining.

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    1. It's really fun to watch when you're dangerously close to comatose-drunk if only to make fun of its desperate attempts at comedy.

      And dog crates are extremely spacious! My sister's dog has a 6x4 foot crate, and he's 35 pounds. Sarah should be so lucky that she has shelter at all!

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