Monday, December 24, 2012

Merrchrimmas!

Happy Holidays, everybody!

That's right, I said "Happy Holidays;" you know why? Because I'm all about being politically correct! it rolls off the tongue nicer. I mean, I'm all for Happy Hanukkah or Merry Christmas, but if you ever get the misfortune of hearing me talk, I don't have the most fluid linguistics in the country the world the universe. Basically, I try to talk so fast that words collide into one another as they leave my mouth, creating a aesthetically displeasing combination such as "Merrchrimmas" or "Happyonikuh." Also, I'm drunk pretty much all the time which doesn't help. So, don't get offended if I say "Happy Holidays."

Chiz, why write it out, tough? There's no way your speech impediment can influence your writing in such a way.
Uh... I don't know. I just needed something stupid to write about on this post aside from that it's unlikely that there'll be any more posts this week due to Christmas and New Year's.
Okay, fair enough.

But, yeah, in case you didn't get the message from that awkward exchange I attempted to portray, it's unlikely that I'll be posting for the rest of the week. Though, I may have a post about some silly post about a silly New Year's resolution that I'll try to make funny and most likely fail. But, then again, that probably won't happen either.

H'anyway, I hope y'all have a Happy Holiday, Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah, Happy Kwanzaa, or Happy Whatever-else-won't-get-people-offended!

I accidentally posted this picture twice, but I'm going to leave it because pugs are so silly. Look at his face; it's so silly! Imagine if it had a red nose like Rudolph? I'd probably die if it did! T'ohoho, so silly.

Friday, December 21, 2012

Choose Your Own Apocalypse Blogfest - My Account


Today, I am participating in Choose Your Own Apocalypse Blogfest brought to you by Chuck over at Apocalypse Now and Shannon at The Warrior Muse. Head on over to get a better read of the rules (Although, they're simple enough).

Below is a (rushed) account of how I believe the apocalypse will pan out. I didn't really plan this out ahead of time. Actually, I just finished this at work because I actually thought the world would end today (Ow, my head). So, read this with an open mind and a closed mouth.. or something. Enjoy!

The alarm went off at precisely 12:00 am, but it was no matter. I had been up and about all night, unable to get an ounce of shuteye. I looked at my calender; December 21st wasn't hard to miss, what with all the red arrows and frantic circles surrounding it.

I took a baseball bat to the alarm clock. I no longer had a need for it; besides, I'd always wanted to do that. It was awesome; all that I'd imagined it to be.

I reached under my bed and grabbed hold of the duffel bag of supplies I so strategically arranged. I unzipped it and gave it a once-through. Bottled water. Check. Day-vision goggles. Check. Fleshlight erm... Flashlight. Check. Axe body spray. Chh, hell yeah. Check, alright *self fist bump*!

Everything was in order. I was more than prepared for the imminent zombie apocalypse. I seized my duffel bag by the shoulder strap and moved toward the living room. I fell backward into the chair and stared blankly at the television. The remote rested upon the arm of the alcohol soaked recliner. My hand shakily moves toward it, but I eventually hit an invisible wall. My hand had frozen in place. It seemed that fear had taken hold of me. I was too frightened to bear witness to the horrors that are likely being covered by news reports. I'd be better off facing the terror with a tame mind. I'll have to use my brain well if I want to keep it.

I decided it's be best to wait out the worst of it. Luckily, my suburban neighborhood seemed someone calm for the time being.

5 hours passed by as I cherished my last moments at home by watching porn, perusing the internet, and watching porn... oh, and beer. Tons of beer... Maybe a little too much beer *hic*. But, the time had come where I'd have to face the grotesque faces of the walking dead.

With my duffel bag slung over my shoulder, I grabbed my kitana fashioned after the one from Ninja Destroyer; it's pretty much the most badass sword ever to hit the Silver Dragon over at the Emerald Square Mall. If I'm going to slay the already dead in style, this is definitely the sword of choice.

After much hesitation due to lulling myself into what was probably a false sense of security, I finally placed the sole of my steel-toed boots upon the soft, green grass dirt patch out front. The neighborhood was quiet. Not having experienced a zombie apocalypse before, I was unsure whether this was a good sign.

I cautiously approached the end of my driveway to better surveil the block. The area seemed to be void of zombies. I began walking down the road. Where I was going? I did not know.

That's when I witnessed the first encounter. Mrs. Green... They'd gotten Mrs. Green! I watched from afar as her limp body trudged the length of her driveway in a brown stained bathrobe and fuzzy puke-pink slippers. What do I do, I thought. Should I end her misery? Should I turn a cheek, and head for WalMart to stack up on Cheetos? I decided it was best to sneak away and leave her empty, shell-of-a-body be. But, before I could make my escape, I tripped over a blade of grass and collapsed. It was a think blade of grass. Maybe about a quarter of an inch think! That's some pretty fat grass... Anyway, that's about the time the hideous beast caught me in her glare.

"Meuughaaah," a strange sound forced its way from my mouth.

"Chiz?" the former Mrs. Green strangely spoke out. "What are you doing?" I was surprised at the zombie's ability to comprehend common linguistics and articulation.

"Get away from me!" I yelled, wielding my katana before me. The rising sun reflected off the blade and momentarily blinded me. I stumbled back a step. "Away with thee!"

"Wh--What is that? Are you okay?" The zombie said.

"I'm sorry, Mrs. Green!" I raised the sword above my head and began to charge the monster.

"Sorry? Wh--Wait! I'm just getting the paper!" The zombie tried to reason with me, but I knew what had to be done.

I was within feet of the walker and began to bring down the blade upon her head, but before the blade reached her, a meteor struck the Earth, killing everyone in its wake. THE END.

Wednesday, December 19, 2012

Can't Hide from The Law

Hello, everybody! The following is my submission for  DudeWrite's Flash Fiction: December Round. I'm sure you're all well aware of the procedure by now, so I'll save you the details. For this month's challenge, we have a picture prompt.


Word count: 447
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“Jimmy! Tuck that bandana up! Can’t you hear the train coming?”

“Cool it! Chrissie, it hasn’t even broken the horizon, yet!”

“You don’t think I can see that? We only got one shot at this. I don’t want to screw it up.”

Mike interjected, “Both of you, calm down! Jimmy, pull that bandana up and make sure that rifle’s right and ready. Chrissie, make sure all your pistols are loaded. This train is carrying the most precious cargo this side of the Mississippi, so you can be damned if you don’t think it’ll be heavily guarded.”

Chrissie let out a sigh and ran his fingers across the brim of his hat. Jimmy fidgeted with the cuffs of his trench coat. A brisk wind drowned the tension in the air.

 “Now then,” Mike gathered himself, “let’s review the plan. Jimmy, what’s your job?”

“Well, as soon as the train hits this here blockade,” Jimmy nudged his boot against the boulders stacked upon the tracks, “I’m to hang back there by them trees to pick off any armed guards that escape the cars while you and Chrissie enter and locate the safe.”

Mike gave a quick nod. “Alright, easy enough. Chrissie, while we’re inside, I’ll keep an eye on your twelve. I’ll keep the pursuers at bay and hopefully buy you the time to crack that safe.”

“Yes, the Perotti Diamond is right about ours, boys. When the train hits that blockade, the guards will be so dazed they won’t be able to tell what’s what.” Chrissie licked his chapped lips in anticipation for the approaching heist.

“You guys see it!” Jimmy shouted. “There’s the train a-comin’.”

Mike didn’t hesitate. “Alright, everyone to your positions. Stick to the plan. Let’s hammer these fools!”

Jimmy raised his rifle, “Hell ye—”

Bzzz… bzzz… bzzz.

“What the heck was that?” said Chrissie.

Mike froze in place. “I don’t kno—”

Bzzz… bzzz… bzzz.

“There it is again!”

Jimmy let out an exasperated sigh. “Oh, nooo!” Jimmy whined.

Bzzz... bzzz... bzzz.

"Jimmy wh—what are you doing?! Can't you see the train's coming?"

Jimmy dropped the act, "Sorry guys, I have to take this."

"Jimmy, the train!" Chrissie yelled, pointing down the tracks.

Jimmy clenched his fist and rolled his eyes. "Yeah?... Right now?... Bu—... But, I... Okaaaay. Fine!"

"What's going on?" shouted Mike.

"It's my mom. She wants me home for supper."
"What about the heist, Jimmy?" cried Chrissie.

"I have to go. Sorry, guys." With that, Jimmy shot his fellow bandits an apologetic look, mounted his hobby horse, and galloped off into the sunset.

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Okay, now for a bit of promotion. Of course it's for Sinquiry! What'd you expect? Anyway, for all of you who haven't ventured on over to Sinquiry to check out Addman's Greed post, here's the link. 

Now for the important part: We are in dire need for questions for next weeks post. I know Sloth will be less than pleased to answer your questions, but he signed the contract, therefore he is required to abide by the terms. You can ask us questions using the button on the right side of the Sinquiry page, by contacting us via our twitter account, @Sinquiry7, or by contacting us via our Facebook Page. OR, if you're in a rush, ask me a question right here in the comments section below. I'll make sure the questions get to him.

Wednesday, December 12, 2012

The Man in the Red Jacket

I was sitting aboard the Red Line on my way to Celtics game. There wasn't anything out of the ordinary as far as I could tell. There was the obligatory loud phone conversation between some bee and her boo. The homeless man was picking at the abnormal growth on his neck. And I'm trying to look like a hardened mobster from Southie so people will leave me alone by adding a bit of a lean to my step and a glint of carelessness in my eye like I got nuttin' to worry 'bout (I believe the kids are calling is "swagger" nowadays).

H'anyway, some MBTA patrol members enter the subway car and station themselves at the doors. Whilst twiddling my thumbs like a silly billy, I overhear a peculiar message coming from one of the patrolman's radios. The message was, verbatim, "There is literally a man in a red jacket punching a woman at Kendall."

Not only was the message itself perplexing enough, but the fact that the patrolman was not in the least bit fazed by the transmission. His facial expression didn't even vary in the least bit. It was like he'd just been told the sky was blue. I immediately thought, is it really that regular an occurrence for a man in a red jacket to be "literally" punching a woman in the subway?

I finally reached the bar where I was to meet my friends, and I told them of the event. After short deliberation, we came to the realization that I may have been jumping to conclusions. Maybe this is a regular occurrence 

Perhaps this man was actually a crimson-cloaked vigilante. It would explain why the patrol officer was unfazed by the transmission over the radio. It could very well have been The Crimson Commando making his nightly rounds, keeping the peace and remaining a step ahead of the law.

The woman--or as I was led to believe, "the victim"--referred to over the transmission could have been the arch-villain, Mistress May Hemm. She may have been in the process of strangling an old man just for the change in his pocket. In this case, thank God The Crimson Commando was on his nightly rounds and was able to beat Mistress May Hemm into submission before any more harm could befall the brittle old man.

It was the beating the woman deserves, but not the one she needs right now.

Or, another possible scenario is that the crimson-clad man could've been a time traveler. Perhaps he journeyed back in time to save this woman, the love of his life, from jumping in front of a train and committing suicide. Maybe the only way he could stop her was to knock her out.

I don't know what movie this is from... so, I can't make a funny reference.

Or maaaaybe Big Red could just have been trying to kill a deadly, venomous spider that he spotted on the woman's face.

I colored the coat red with my amazing photoshop skills.

Or he could have been punching her because he was actually attempting to cause her harm.

Either way, the moral of this post is to never judge a character by the words of another. It's not fair to the man in red to be portrayed as a villain when he very well may be the hero of the story.

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And, now to recognize another award. I present to you, and you guessed it:
A Blog Award! Yay me!
I wonder what the symbols actually signify.

Presented to me by 
the talented and ridiculously hilarious blogger
Flip from HILL BLOCKS VIEW

And here are his questions that I couldn't pass up:

What is the answer to life, the universe, and everything?
I can't explain it in words, but abuse several drugs and enough alcohol and you just might find out.

Boobs. What's not to love?
The size of the areola... ah, who am I kidding. 

If you had a time machine, and you could have dinner with anybody in history, would you wake me up last Tuesday so I won't be late anymore?
Not with that attitude I won't.

If you live in a glass house, would you take up curling?
Just as long as I have some real pros handling the curling brooms.

Who is your favorite Vlad?
Vlad the Mad, Plaid-Clad Barber over on 4th next to the shit and across the street from that other thing.

Juggling cats: Healthy animal bonding or animal cruelty? 
Look up cat yodeling, and you won't ever turn back to cat juggling again.

Does this look infected to you?
According to the leaking pus and foul odor, I think it's just a mosquito bite.

Is it OK for a man to cry? What if he just lost a limb? But then what if he just never shut-up about it? OK, OK, we know you lost a limb. Get over it, that was like 90 minutes ago. Fricking baby. Don't you hate that?
It's only a flesh wound.

What color banana hammock do you prefer? Corral, watermelon or a peachish pink?
Corral with watermelon stripes and peachish pink polka-dots.

The Utah Jazz?
Philadelphia Soul?

Shouldn't Olivia Newton John just officially change her name to Olivia Neutron Bomb?
Olivia Newtron Bomb is activated by John Travoltron. I don't know. I tried.

Also, quick announcement GluttonDan (formally known aas WorkingDan) has submitted a new post over at sinquiry, so I suggest you all go check it out!

Tuesday, December 4, 2012

Acknowledging an Award by Shay



Hey everyone,

I haven't done one of these in a while, and frankly, I find them quite fun. So, without further adieu, I break my silence and present to you the Liebster Award:
Behold.

presented to me by none other than the very talented author and blogger,

Chances are, you're all following her blog, but in the off chance you aren't, I urge you to visit Seriously-WTH? and brace for the laughter and that is to follow.

...

1) If education and salary wasn't an issue and you could have any job in the world, what job would you choose?


I'd choose to be the Illuminati's bookkeeper or secretary. Something that would put me in the know but not necessarily involved in the decision making process. I'd want all of the knowledge but none of the blame.


2) If you had the ability to know what other people really thought about you would you want to?


Yeah, I'd gladly accept that power. It's not that I worry about what people think of me, it's just that this ability would give me a huge leg up in pretty much any profession. "No, Billy, I'm not giving you a promotion because you think I'm a fat dick!"



3)If you could be any other person besides yourself (and don't give me the crap about "I'm happy being me" play the game!!!) who would you be?


Call me crazy, but I'd most like to be President Abraham Lincoln. I know he got assassinated, but he's the greatest president, in my opinion.  He did the best with a horrible situation and, though it cost bloodshed, he managed to unite the nation. He is one of the only Presidents that I firmly believe had the peoples' best interests in mind. Plus, he slayed, like, hundreds of vampires.



4) What is the one gift you hope you are going to get for Christmas?


Not to sound like a complete douche, but I want nothing for Christmas. I hate what it has become. It's too commercialized. I'd be happier if it was treated simply as a Thanksgiving Part II--the family getting together to share a meal and engage in conversation. Now it's all about putting ourselves in debt because we'd be considered stingy if we spent anywhere within a reasonable amount of our price range. But, I suppose I wouldn't mind getting some obscure instrument that no one plays so I can pretend to be good at it.



5) What was your biggest "blond" moment?


I've been having a lot of these lately. The most recent was during charades when I got Woodrow Wilson and Winston Churchill mixed up. I kept yelling Woodrow Wilson when my partner was clearly acting out Winston Churchill because I am, in fact, blond.



6) If you could be invisible and be in a room to overhear a conversation (past or present) what would the conversation be (Old love? Watergate? Kennedy Assassination? Snooping on kids?)


I can't exactly single out a conversation. I suppose I like to be a fly on the wall during any of the following: Adolf and Eva suicide, the Trial of Socrates, Truman's decision to drop the bomb, or the pitch and reaction of Hollywood execs to create Teen Wolf Too. 



7) Who is your favorite comedian/ humor writer?


My favorite stand-up comedian is Bill Burr, but Louie CK, Brian Reagan, TJ Miller, Aziz Ansari, and Donald Glover are close seconds. I saw Bill Burr live and his ability to make a twenty minute off-topic rant hilarious is pretty incredible. Plus he has an hour podcast up on his website every Monday which I listen to.


8) If you could be a member of the opposite sex for 24 hours what would you do?


Besides the unmentionables, I would totally beat the crap out of some random snooty bitch. If I was a woman, it would be socially acceptable at that point, right? By no means am I'm a woman beater, but that's not to say there are a few out there that I wouldn't mind giving a light slap on the face. Wow, that sounds incredibly hateful, but I'm not going to delete the answer because it's the truth.


9)What is your favorite Christmas movie?


Christmas Vacation by far. I mean, I love A Christmas Story, but Christmas Vacation never fails to deliver laughs.


10) I'm stealing this question because I liked it - Why do you blog?

Actually, a post I recently read on Mark's blog got me thinking about this question a lot. I figured the question would be easy enough to answer, but I suppose it is more complicated than it sounds. I'm a bit self-conscious about my writing (even though I'm contradicting my #2 answer) so I initially used my blog to gauge people's reactions. Now I continue it because I like the community. As much as I'd benefit from taking time away from my blog (i.e. get work done on my WIP), I simply can't bring myself to do it. Plus, I try keeping a personal journal, but it doesn't have the same feel as a blog.


11) What is the one thing that you wish more people knew about you? (Maybe a misconception you wish you could set straight, a talent you have, or something else.)

I used to be a rapper named Marky Mark. Nah, I actually thought about this question for 40 minutes and couldn't come up with anything. Ugh, I guess I'm decent at playing the drums. I can play the crap out of a recorder. I sing ridiculously loud when I'm in my car. I have all 50 state quarters. I love urban exploration. I'm a firm believer in conspiracy theories. I fold my toilet paper, not bunch it up. And, my favorite Disney movie is Mulan... Did I do that right?


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Now for some self-promotion!

I know you're probably all sick to death of hearing about Sinquiry, but just hear me out for a second. I'm not asking that you to follow the blog. I can understand if it's not your type of humor, but if you could please take a second or two ask us a question using the tab on the right side of the blog that would be more than appreciated. ANY question will suffice. You can indicate that you want to remain anonymous if you so choose.

The tab looks like so:
Email
This link should work, as well.

Pride had his turn this week (I heard he was super hilarious and everyone loved him... I hope). Up next week is Gluttony who is portrayed by none other than the wickedly hilarious Workingdan!