So, I've had a chance to review some of your applications listed below the previous post. Here's what I though of them:
I would totally be a side kick to Captain Post-It. My name would be the Post-It Kid and I would put Post-It notes back on the wall from whence they came. This would be a useful skill because it frees up the Captain to continue his glorious, and much needed heroic deeds.
Interesting outlook, but I can’t risk having my following turn toward a cheaper alternative of sticking Post-Its back on varying surfaces. Unless you’re willing to forward 98% of the proceeds in my name, I simply can’t hire you.
I can see it now:
-My Post-Its have been scattered by the forceful wind generated by the office ceiling fan! Call Captain Post-It immediately!
-Don’t bother! A conundrum such as this can easily be settled by the younger, and much cheaper, Post-It Kid!
-You’re right, Bill! Fuck Captain Post-It!
You see where this is heading?
You know mine already, PMT WOMAN!
Able to whinge in a pitch that only dolphins and canines can hear.
Able to wither away the gonads of any man with my "Oh no you didn't" stare.
Able to leap onto the most innocent of words and turn them into grounds for world war 3, for I am PMT WOMAN!
Not sure how all that would help as a side kick though.
I commend you on your extraordinary abilities. However, I’m afraid I must reject your application. There is too much of a chance that you’d take over the entire operation with your passive aggressive attitude and enriching vocabulary.
My abilities require me to be fervent and agile; however, one wrong move on my part has the prospect of triggering your uncontainable, and quite frankly, hazardous, superpowers.
It’s simply too risky for me. You’re far better suited to work on your own.
I would be Encouragement Boy! I have the ability to clap like a seal when I see something I approve of. I have a double-jointed neck which gives me a floppy head for excess nodding, and I have a very long tongue. Of course, I wouldn't do any actual fighting, but I'll always be on the sidelines, willing you on.
As astonishing as I find your supernatural abilities, I don’t like that you’re implying that I don’t already have a mass following of appreciative business men and women.
If you were around back in the winter of 1973 and you witnessed my unbelievable feat of preventing the unmentioned, unreported collapse of Post-It stock, you’d see just how popular I truly am.
My trailer home is nearly completely paid off! My child support is almost on time every month! I’m doing just fine!
Though, I might have a proposition for that tongue of yours.
I don't wanna be your side kick Captain Post-It but I do want to join the Captain Post-It club. I can dress up as a twelve year old boy and you could hang out with me! All famous Super-Heroes hang out with young children! (think Bibleman and Captain Tootsie!)
Don’t want to be my sidekick?! You must be out of your mind if you’re so willing to turn down the amazing feats of Captain Post-It!
But, that’s not to say that your idea is a bad one. Brilliant strategy to reach out to the young audiences, I must say. Plus, I have so much candy in my trailer that needs to be eaten before it goes bad.
As for Bibleman and Captain Tootsie, I think I’m far more relevant than a guy who wields a laser pointer and quotes Bible verses and that nerd who needs a variable-scoped rifle to take out an innocent bear.
A sidekick name? Uh, hm. How about... Femme Fountain Pen?
-Barb the French Bean
Femme Fountain Pen/Barb the French Bean,
I’m perplexed as to which name to address you by. Being a sidekick, you can only have one title. Only the hero can have multiple names (i.e. Batman, The Dark Knight).
Once you’ve figured out your identity, I need to know what your powers/abilities entail. I am assuming you carry around unlimited supplies of fountain pens? Or is it that you can secrete ink from your pores?
Though, you say you are French, which may increase my leverage with minorities.
Do you hire chimpanzees? I know one who might be perfect for the job.
I am no good at changing poopy diapers or peeling bananas, so I’m not certain that this will work out. Plus, I am allergic to anything with opposable toes. Not so much allergic, as they freak me out. I can't afford to lose my lunch by sniffing poopy diapers and being touched be grabby feet while trying to right the wrongs in an office space.
So, I’ve weighed my options and the person I choose to be my sidekick is... *drum roll please*… Batman! Yes, Batman, you have read correctly. Though, you did not fill out an application, I feel that you are the most suitable to be by my side as I dispose of injustices one Post-It note at a time. If you read this, please report to my trailer park. My trailer is the one behind all the shrubberies, just before the second dumpster.
As for the rest of you, though you were not accepted as part of the Captain Post-It squad, I congratulate you on emitting a response from such a busy hero such as me. Perhaps you could put this on your future résumé?
Though, a shout-out is reserved for Addman who gave me this idea.