Aries (March 21 – April 21)
Do not go swimming today; there’s a man-eating shark on the coast. Do not go to work today; a disgruntled employee is still pissed at you for taking a dump on his keyboard. Do not mow the lawn; there are snakes and spiders out there. In fact, it is better that you stay inside and play video games while munching on Cheetos.
Taurus (April 22 – May 21)
Today you will befriend a stranger. His name will be Chiz, and it is vital that you hand this man two thousand dollars in cash. Neither check nor credit will be acceptable. Failure to do so will result in the cancelation of you Good Housekeeping subscription.
Gemini (May 22 – June 22)
Your day will be filled with lively wonderment as the Discovery channel allows you to intake precious knowledge that you would otherwise let pass should you vacate the couch and venture out into the wilderness. It is important that you immediately go to the corner store and purchase a bag of Doritos in preparation.
Cancer (June 22 – July 21/22)
You will lock yourself out of your home, but fear not. The locksmith who will come to your aid will be super hot, and although you’ll stand no chance with him or her, you will be able to gaze upon his or her bodacious booty. Unfortunately, you may be discovered through carelessness and slapped with a restraining order, $350 fine, and sexual predator documentation or something.
Leo (July 22 – August 22)
You’re just plain awesome. Awesome stuff will happen to you all day as you bask in the awesomeness of your awesome. Everyone will want to hang out with you because you’re so awesome, but they won’t because they’re jealous of your awesomeness. That’s the only explanation.
Virgo (August 23 – September 21)
You will receive the grade of the chemistry test you handed in last week. Seeing as you were still drunk from the night before, you will have failed the test and offer sexual favors in exchange for a higher grade. Unfortunately, your professor is a eunuch and will report your lewd suggestions to authorities leading to a restraining order and F in the course.
Libra (September 21 – October 21)
By the time you read this, you will have already discovered the dead hooker in your bed. It is important not to panic and to take the day in strides. Consult Google for further assistance as you are the only one left that you can trust. Good luck.
Scorpio (October 21 – November 22)
It was not the man you accuse. Chiz did not eat the remainder of your Hot Pockets. He also did not clog the toilet. The man you seek is that other friend of yours, Billy. He is the one that is lying to you, not Chiz. Please forgive Chiz for all the hurtful things you said to him, and give him $20 for pizza and beer.
Sagittarius (November 23 – December 22)
You’re thinking of writing a Facebook status made up purely of country music lyrics. I suggest it a bad idea that you plague your friend’s otherwise useless news feed with further filth. In fact, updating your status with anything other than something funny or life changing is a crime against humanity.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
Bah! Bah, Bah-eh-eh. Bah baaah bah baaaah. Bah-eh-eh-eh. Phhh. Bah baaah bah bah bah bah. Bah! Baaah baah beh beh beh, buh bah bah! Bah baaah bah baaaah. Phh. Bah bleh bahahahah. Beh-eh-eh-eh-eh. Bah baaaah! Bah bah bah. Also, your Christmas and birthday presents will be combined. I’m sorry.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
Stand at the corner of 8th and Burrow, and give the man that shows up at promptly 4:23pm a back massage. He will not pay you for your services. However, he will bestow upon you good luck with his magic fairy dust that will look like dandruff, but rest assured, it’s fairy dust.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
I’m out of steam. Here’s a cute puppy: