Wednesday, December 12, 2012

The Man in the Red Jacket

I was sitting aboard the Red Line on my way to Celtics game. There wasn't anything out of the ordinary as far as I could tell. There was the obligatory loud phone conversation between some bee and her boo. The homeless man was picking at the abnormal growth on his neck. And I'm trying to look like a hardened mobster from Southie so people will leave me alone by adding a bit of a lean to my step and a glint of carelessness in my eye like I got nuttin' to worry 'bout (I believe the kids are calling is "swagger" nowadays).

H'anyway, some MBTA patrol members enter the subway car and station themselves at the doors. Whilst twiddling my thumbs like a silly billy, I overhear a peculiar message coming from one of the patrolman's radios. The message was, verbatim, "There is literally a man in a red jacket punching a woman at Kendall."

Not only was the message itself perplexing enough, but the fact that the patrolman was not in the least bit fazed by the transmission. His facial expression didn't even vary in the least bit. It was like he'd just been told the sky was blue. I immediately thought, is it really that regular an occurrence for a man in a red jacket to be "literally" punching a woman in the subway?

I finally reached the bar where I was to meet my friends, and I told them of the event. After short deliberation, we came to the realization that I may have been jumping to conclusions. Maybe this is a regular occurrence 

Perhaps this man was actually a crimson-cloaked vigilante. It would explain why the patrol officer was unfazed by the transmission over the radio. It could very well have been The Crimson Commando making his nightly rounds, keeping the peace and remaining a step ahead of the law.

The woman--or as I was led to believe, "the victim"--referred to over the transmission could have been the arch-villain, Mistress May Hemm. She may have been in the process of strangling an old man just for the change in his pocket. In this case, thank God The Crimson Commando was on his nightly rounds and was able to beat Mistress May Hemm into submission before any more harm could befall the brittle old man.

It was the beating the woman deserves, but not the one she needs right now.

Or, another possible scenario is that the crimson-clad man could've been a time traveler. Perhaps he journeyed back in time to save this woman, the love of his life, from jumping in front of a train and committing suicide. Maybe the only way he could stop her was to knock her out.

I don't know what movie this is from... so, I can't make a funny reference.

Or maaaaybe Big Red could just have been trying to kill a deadly, venomous spider that he spotted on the woman's face.

I colored the coat red with my amazing photoshop skills.

Or he could have been punching her because he was actually attempting to cause her harm.

Either way, the moral of this post is to never judge a character by the words of another. It's not fair to the man in red to be portrayed as a villain when he very well may be the hero of the story.

And, now to recognize another award. I present to you, and you guessed it:
A Blog Award! Yay me!
I wonder what the symbols actually signify.

Presented to me by 
the talented and ridiculously hilarious blogger

And here are his questions that I couldn't pass up:

What is the answer to life, the universe, and everything?
I can't explain it in words, but abuse several drugs and enough alcohol and you just might find out.

Boobs. What's not to love?
The size of the areola... ah, who am I kidding. 

If you had a time machine, and you could have dinner with anybody in history, would you wake me up last Tuesday so I won't be late anymore?
Not with that attitude I won't.

If you live in a glass house, would you take up curling?
Just as long as I have some real pros handling the curling brooms.

Who is your favorite Vlad?
Vlad the Mad, Plaid-Clad Barber over on 4th next to the shit and across the street from that other thing.

Juggling cats: Healthy animal bonding or animal cruelty? 
Look up cat yodeling, and you won't ever turn back to cat juggling again.

Does this look infected to you?
According to the leaking pus and foul odor, I think it's just a mosquito bite.

Is it OK for a man to cry? What if he just lost a limb? But then what if he just never shut-up about it? OK, OK, we know you lost a limb. Get over it, that was like 90 minutes ago. Fricking baby. Don't you hate that?
It's only a flesh wound.

What color banana hammock do you prefer? Corral, watermelon or a peachish pink?
Corral with watermelon stripes and peachish pink polka-dots.

The Utah Jazz?
Philadelphia Soul?

Shouldn't Olivia Newton John just officially change her name to Olivia Neutron Bomb?
Olivia Newtron Bomb is activated by John Travoltron. I don't know. I tried.

Also, quick announcement GluttonDan (formally known aas WorkingDan) has submitted a new post over at sinquiry, so I suggest you all go check it out!


  1. Creative post and provacative answers to some really silly questions. Not bad for a Wednesday.

    1. Thanks, Chuck! Yeah, Wednesdays are the worst days to post on a blog. Hump day, blech.

  2. Great answers to the same whacked out questions I once Hill Blocks. Even though I didn't officially get the award, only an acknowledgement to the fact that I tend to disgrace these awards....which often leaves me misunderstood.

    For me to acknowledge them at all on my blog means that I appreciate it. Sure I may piss on them and wipe my ass with them, but it wouldn't be shameful promotions if I didn't!

    1. Haha, no worries. I like what you do with the awards. Those are some of your funniest posts.

  3. Congrats on the award first of all. I think in this scenario the man really may have been the bad guy, he was punching a woman, literally. I guess it's just too common an occurrence for a cop to really care, or they're trained to not show emotion. Now we have a whole other line of brutality to explore wondering what training cops are put through to cut off their emotions.

    1. Do you read Game of Thrones? If so, I imagine their training to be along the lines of what the Unsullied have to go through.

  4. "Oh, wait, on second thought, he's only punching her figuratively. Gave her a really nasty verbal beating. Go about your business."

    1. Ah, I never thought of that. Perhaps they were have an epic rap battle of ultimate destiny. See, there I go judging a person by what I hear again. I automatically thought it was physical.

  5. That one picture with the scientists in front of the black circles was not from a movie; it was from "Time Tunnel," a Scifi series that ran for only one year from 1966-1967. I was a big fan.

    1. Oh, damn. Alright, I was thinking along the lines of one of those 1940s sci-fi films. Thanks for clearing it up, Stephen!

  6. You have a warped mind, Chiz. So creative! I think in psychiatric circles it's referred to as thought disorder!

    1. Oh, it most definitely is, but I'll just try and wait it off. Maybe it'll go away.

  7. Hahaha! Chiz getting his swagger on, whilst twiddling his thumbs like a silly Billy. A dichotomy if ever there was one.

    And those have got to be some of the best questions ever posted!
    Great moral to the story and fantastic photoshop skills. :)

    1. Thanks, Lily! Yeah, I lead multiple lives. Being a faux-mobster is just one of many.

      Yeah, I just did one of the Liebster award things for my last post, but I couldn't pass up on these incredible questions.

  8. Thank you for accepting. Maybe he was just a fan of a rival team and it was standard fan violence. I mean at least he wasn't discriminatory, he beat her down just like he'd beat a guy down. He's very enlightened if you think about it.

  9. Tnanks for giving me the award. And it wasn't the Heat in town that day, but perhaps she was wearing one of their jerseys? And exactly, I'm glad people are becoming less discriminatory.

  10. Hey dude, love your story telling so here is a good chance for you. Shannon from the Warrior Muse and I are co-hosting an Apocalypse Blogfest next Friday. Love to have your talent on display. It's right up your alley!

    Here are the details...

  11. I'm definitely down. Sounds like my kind of challenge.

  12. Replies
    1. I guess the woman was very very naughty this year, then.

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