Friday, December 21, 2012

Choose Your Own Apocalypse Blogfest - My Account


Today, I am participating in Choose Your Own Apocalypse Blogfest brought to you by Chuck over at Apocalypse Now and Shannon at The Warrior Muse. Head on over to get a better read of the rules (Although, they're simple enough).

Below is a (rushed) account of how I believe the apocalypse will pan out. I didn't really plan this out ahead of time. Actually, I just finished this at work because I actually thought the world would end today (Ow, my head). So, read this with an open mind and a closed mouth.. or something. Enjoy!

The alarm went off at precisely 12:00 am, but it was no matter. I had been up and about all night, unable to get an ounce of shuteye. I looked at my calender; December 21st wasn't hard to miss, what with all the red arrows and frantic circles surrounding it.

I took a baseball bat to the alarm clock. I no longer had a need for it; besides, I'd always wanted to do that. It was awesome; all that I'd imagined it to be.

I reached under my bed and grabbed hold of the duffel bag of supplies I so strategically arranged. I unzipped it and gave it a once-through. Bottled water. Check. Day-vision goggles. Check. Fleshlight erm... Flashlight. Check. Axe body spray. Chh, hell yeah. Check, alright *self fist bump*!

Everything was in order. I was more than prepared for the imminent zombie apocalypse. I seized my duffel bag by the shoulder strap and moved toward the living room. I fell backward into the chair and stared blankly at the television. The remote rested upon the arm of the alcohol soaked recliner. My hand shakily moves toward it, but I eventually hit an invisible wall. My hand had frozen in place. It seemed that fear had taken hold of me. I was too frightened to bear witness to the horrors that are likely being covered by news reports. I'd be better off facing the terror with a tame mind. I'll have to use my brain well if I want to keep it.

I decided it's be best to wait out the worst of it. Luckily, my suburban neighborhood seemed someone calm for the time being.

5 hours passed by as I cherished my last moments at home by watching porn, perusing the internet, and watching porn... oh, and beer. Tons of beer... Maybe a little too much beer *hic*. But, the time had come where I'd have to face the grotesque faces of the walking dead.

With my duffel bag slung over my shoulder, I grabbed my kitana fashioned after the one from Ninja Destroyer; it's pretty much the most badass sword ever to hit the Silver Dragon over at the Emerald Square Mall. If I'm going to slay the already dead in style, this is definitely the sword of choice.

After much hesitation due to lulling myself into what was probably a false sense of security, I finally placed the sole of my steel-toed boots upon the soft, green grass dirt patch out front. The neighborhood was quiet. Not having experienced a zombie apocalypse before, I was unsure whether this was a good sign.

I cautiously approached the end of my driveway to better surveil the block. The area seemed to be void of zombies. I began walking down the road. Where I was going? I did not know.

That's when I witnessed the first encounter. Mrs. Green... They'd gotten Mrs. Green! I watched from afar as her limp body trudged the length of her driveway in a brown stained bathrobe and fuzzy puke-pink slippers. What do I do, I thought. Should I end her misery? Should I turn a cheek, and head for WalMart to stack up on Cheetos? I decided it was best to sneak away and leave her empty, shell-of-a-body be. But, before I could make my escape, I tripped over a blade of grass and collapsed. It was a think blade of grass. Maybe about a quarter of an inch think! That's some pretty fat grass... Anyway, that's about the time the hideous beast caught me in her glare.

"Meuughaaah," a strange sound forced its way from my mouth.

"Chiz?" the former Mrs. Green strangely spoke out. "What are you doing?" I was surprised at the zombie's ability to comprehend common linguistics and articulation.

"Get away from me!" I yelled, wielding my katana before me. The rising sun reflected off the blade and momentarily blinded me. I stumbled back a step. "Away with thee!"

"Wh--What is that? Are you okay?" The zombie said.

"I'm sorry, Mrs. Green!" I raised the sword above my head and began to charge the monster.

"Sorry? Wh--Wait! I'm just getting the paper!" The zombie tried to reason with me, but I knew what had to be done.

I was within feet of the walker and began to bring down the blade upon her head, but before the blade reached her, a meteor struck the Earth, killing everyone in its wake. THE END.

24 comments:

  1. Replies
    1. I almost had blood on my hands. I don't think there was a better moment for that meteor to hit.

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  2. Well if he died before he killed someone then there's a chance he might end up in heaven. I guess. Though I do now feel sorry for all the people who have a ton of weapons and were really ready for the Zombie Apocalypse. Poor guys :(

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    1. I know, I'd rather have the zombie apocalypse. At least you'd have some sort of control over your mortality.

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  3. Zombies are loving, just want a hug...

    Did we make it?
    My link is dead, I ask again did we make it?
    [Visit my post for that to make sense]

    Great end of the world post!!
    Jeremy [Retro]
    Oh No, Let's Go... Crazy

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    1. Well, if they can learn our language, then perhaps they are capable of love.

      And, ah, how are we supposed to know if the world is over if the link is broken?

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  4. That Mrs Green sounds OK I am a bit like that at times although fuzzy puke-pink slippers indicates to me that yep she was a zombie .

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    1. Yeah, what right-minded individual would ever think to wear those slippers? Certainly one incapable of thinking.

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  5. I guess there won't be a need for that fleshlight after all. The meteor caught everyone by surprise; good thing for the zombie in fuzzy pink slippers.

    Thanks for participating!

    Shannon at The Warrior Muse

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    1. Thanks for hosting the blogfest, Shannon! I'm still getting around to all the posts, but they're all awesome so far! Great idea!

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  6. Good thing that meteor hit or you would've killed someone! However, anyone wearing fuzzy, puke-pink slippers deserves to be put of their misery!

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    1. I hear you, puke-pink slippers are the bane of humanity if you ask me.

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  7. I loved the self fist bump!! You never can be too careful anytime around people in public sporting slippers and bathrobes. And meteor threats scare me. Thanks for playing, dude. Have a good one.

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    1. Thanks for hosting, Chuck! I'm still getting around to all the posts, but so far, they've all been great.

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  8. Well, at least you didn't die with murder on your conscious.

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    1. Who knew a meteor striking the Earth could have been a good thing?

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  9. You are the king of unexpected endings. That had me laughing out loud, as did 'fleshlight.'

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    1. Thanks, Lily! I'm glad you enjoyed the post. I just tried to get a ridiculous as possible.

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  10. See - best laid plans and all that, and you still get wiped out by the unexpected meteor! ;-p

    Great story!

    SueH (I Refuse To Go Quietly!)

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    1. I know. I did all that careful packing all for not.

      Thanks, Sue!

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  11. I love a good surprise ending, and really, isn't a meteor the ultimate surprise? Well, that or prison rape. And prison rape isn't funny... well, until it is.

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    1. I'm glad you picked up on the prison rape undertones of the story.

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  12. Replies
    1. I just love delivering happy endings to my readers!

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