Wednesday, December 19, 2012

Can't Hide from The Law

Hello, everybody! The following is my submission for  DudeWrite's Flash Fiction: December Round. I'm sure you're all well aware of the procedure by now, so I'll save you the details. For this month's challenge, we have a picture prompt.


Word count: 447
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“Jimmy! Tuck that bandana up! Can’t you hear the train coming?”

“Cool it! Chrissie, it hasn’t even broken the horizon, yet!”

“You don’t think I can see that? We only got one shot at this. I don’t want to screw it up.”

Mike interjected, “Both of you, calm down! Jimmy, pull that bandana up and make sure that rifle’s right and ready. Chrissie, make sure all your pistols are loaded. This train is carrying the most precious cargo this side of the Mississippi, so you can be damned if you don’t think it’ll be heavily guarded.”

Chrissie let out a sigh and ran his fingers across the brim of his hat. Jimmy fidgeted with the cuffs of his trench coat. A brisk wind drowned the tension in the air.

 “Now then,” Mike gathered himself, “let’s review the plan. Jimmy, what’s your job?”

“Well, as soon as the train hits this here blockade,” Jimmy nudged his boot against the boulders stacked upon the tracks, “I’m to hang back there by them trees to pick off any armed guards that escape the cars while you and Chrissie enter and locate the safe.”

Mike gave a quick nod. “Alright, easy enough. Chrissie, while we’re inside, I’ll keep an eye on your twelve. I’ll keep the pursuers at bay and hopefully buy you the time to crack that safe.”

“Yes, the Perotti Diamond is right about ours, boys. When the train hits that blockade, the guards will be so dazed they won’t be able to tell what’s what.” Chrissie licked his chapped lips in anticipation for the approaching heist.

“You guys see it!” Jimmy shouted. “There’s the train a-comin’.”

Mike didn’t hesitate. “Alright, everyone to your positions. Stick to the plan. Let’s hammer these fools!”

Jimmy raised his rifle, “Hell ye—”

Bzzz… bzzz… bzzz.

“What the heck was that?” said Chrissie.

Mike froze in place. “I don’t kno—”

Bzzz… bzzz… bzzz.

“There it is again!”

Jimmy let out an exasperated sigh. “Oh, nooo!” Jimmy whined.

Bzzz... bzzz... bzzz.

"Jimmy wh—what are you doing?! Can't you see the train's coming?"

Jimmy dropped the act, "Sorry guys, I have to take this."

"Jimmy, the train!" Chrissie yelled, pointing down the tracks.

Jimmy clenched his fist and rolled his eyes. "Yeah?... Right now?... Bu—... But, I... Okaaaay. Fine!"

"What's going on?" shouted Mike.

"It's my mom. She wants me home for supper."
"What about the heist, Jimmy?" cried Chrissie.

"I have to go. Sorry, guys." With that, Jimmy shot his fellow bandits an apologetic look, mounted his hobby horse, and galloped off into the sunset.

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Okay, now for a bit of promotion. Of course it's for Sinquiry! What'd you expect? Anyway, for all of you who haven't ventured on over to Sinquiry to check out Addman's Greed post, here's the link. 

Now for the important part: We are in dire need for questions for next weeks post. I know Sloth will be less than pleased to answer your questions, but he signed the contract, therefore he is required to abide by the terms. You can ask us questions using the button on the right side of the Sinquiry page, by contacting us via our twitter account, @Sinquiry7, or by contacting us via our Facebook Page. OR, if you're in a rush, ask me a question right here in the comments section below. I'll make sure the questions get to him.

26 comments:

  1. That was oddly delightful. Almost makes me want to have kids. Or know the number of a criminal so I can call him when he's in the middle of a job.

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    1. Haha thanks, Mark! Hopefully I didn't unintentionally begin another baby boom.

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  2. Haha!Loved that ending. You are a very talented writer indeed Mr Chiz.

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    1. Thank you, Lily! I appreciate it, especially from a brilliant writer such as yourself.

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  3. Nice one dude...you had me distracted trying to figure out how Chrissie was guy and I never saw that coming. Well done!

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    1. Thanks, Chuck! I actually meant to make Chrissie a girl, but I think I forgot by the end of the story as I referred to them all as boys.

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  4. Nice work, Chiz! I had a feeling you had something planned, but you held it well until the end.

    WG

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    1. Thanks, Wily! I should get in touch with M. Night Shamlyamlanamom.

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  5. Ha, cute twist man. Very action-paced narrative. Glad to have you in the competition!

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    1. Thanks, Dan! I, too, thought it was quite cute.

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  6. Ha, I didn't see that coming! I like that. Great story.

    And yes, people, please leave some questions. By the time I'm up, I want my rage to be directed at your questions, not the LACK of questions.

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    1. Thanks a lot! Yeah, I don't know what happened. I thought we would have had a bunch of questions saved up by now.

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  7. You got me! I totally didn't see that at all, I thought it was going to be a bumble bee or something. Great and funny story. And 447 words? Mine would have been three times that! Lord do I ramble, just look at this comment!

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    1. Haha thanks, Elsie! Yeah, I thought it would have been more a mystery if I used a vibrating ringtone. I was considering replicating my own ringtone, though, "September" by Earth, Wind, and Fire. That would have been magical yet slightly more confusing.

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  8. Very nice. I particularly like the ending which caught me by surprise.

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    1. Thanks, Stephen! I'm glad my little twist worked out.

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  9. I have a feeling I've been here before..
    And now I'm back.
    That was FUN to read, which is a biggie for me. Great writing.
    Also I can't stop staring at your dog.

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    1. Mayhaps you have been here before? But, thanks Heather! I appreciate it! And, yeah, my dog is quite the looker.

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  10. Awesome! This ranks right up there with "The Bunker"! I loved it! I might have to come out of hiding and submit a flash fiction for Dude Write, just to see how I measure up against great stories like this!

    And yes, where the hell are all the questions? <--there's a question...can we use that? <--another one! lol

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    1. Thanks, Dan! You definitely should do some flash fiction. There aren't many submissions. You still have time to enter this one.

      And, seriously, we might have to use that question.

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  11. Loved the ending, dude. Even though I could have totally envisioned that whole scene taking place as the first scene in a movie. Well played.

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