Thursday, November 22, 2012

Feathered Matter, Inc.

To: mikehunt@ayohel.com; philmckracken@geemale.net
CC: dragonslayer4353@ayohel.com; darkmage223dstryr@ihnl.net
From: minceyballs@yawho.com

Subject: ESCAPE: Subject 324 (URGENT)
Date: 11.21.2023 [Nov. 21]

Dear colleagues,

I regret to inform you that, due to my unforgivable actions, the turkey cloning lab has suffered a breach.

I'm writing this message from the confines of my office. I've engaged the security traps in the lab and activated the pressurized gates to ensure the infestation does not escape the premises. You must obey my orders: leave the lab security settings engaged. Disregard the horrifying sounds that may eminate from the lab; it's better to imagine than to witness the horror that I have mistakenly created. I must remain here to accept the consequences of my sins but not before you hear me out.

I had the best intentions in mind. The turkey cloning line was progressing wonderfully. We had nearly perfected the science of producing an unlimited supply of turkeys at such a low cost that it would drastically reduce the price of turkeys in stores. But why stop there? I worked tirelessly to come up with a formula to produce much larger turkeys using the same amount of matter. All that was required was the addition of a single, dead, human skin cell. A genetically enhanced turkey derived from such an abundant material would abolish world hunger. But I wasn't prepared for what was to follow.

I thought I had perfected the formula, but when I started the automated production line, the creatures that emerged from the assembly were the offspring of some abomination sent from the depths of hell itself.

Their heads were mutated into thick stumps. Their legs were bony and lacking any sign of muscle yet showed no strain in supporting the girth of this enormous beast. But worst of all were the enlongated and horrifically defined vertebrae that protruded from the creature's spine. It didn't take long to recognize that these deformed monsters posed a threat.

I don't have much time as the beasts have nearly broken down the barred door to my office.

But please forgive my actions, I was only trying to help.

And tell my family I said... Happy Thanksgiving.

FILE: I've attached a screenshot of the security feed for those without a weak stomach. You can see why I can't leave the lab alive.


16 comments:

  1. I like how they're smiling. Their destruction amuses them. I wonder if they still taste like turkey though. I mean, if they do, we can still solve world hunger with them.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I was very pleased hat all the hand turkeys were smiling. It certainly made them look more menacing.

      I'm sure they still taste like turkey, but is risking the destruction that they bring worth the benefits?

      Delete
  2. The horror. The horror...

    God save us all.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. This man tried to play God. God owes this man no mercy.

      Delete
  3. Oh my god! The destruction of earth is surely imminent. And what about the children? Won't somebody please think about the children!!

    Loved this Chiz, though the description that you gave, sounded oddly like my ex.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. These are scary times, what with hand turkeys and HIV on the loose.

      And, sorry didn't mean to plagiarize the looks of your ex.

      Delete
  4. Now I'm hungry, hungry for hands.

    Enjoy your thanksgiving. May the ritualistic slaughter of gigantic poultry somehow atone for the sins of your ancestors.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hey they weren't my ancestors. My grandmother moved here from Scotland. There's a few years of generational cushion between us.

      Delete
  5. It truly is a turkey Holocaust! But Happy Thanksgiving anyway.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks! Yeah, leave it to me to somehow ruin Thanksgiving by trying to play God.

      Delete
  6. See this is the delirium that is caused when you eat under cooked turkey. Then your brain dies. Good Luck and Happy Thanksgiving...while it lasts.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Under cooked turkey is better than over cooked turkey. At least it has some moisture to it!

      Delete
  7. Mutant turkeys on the loose! The end of the world is imminent. Treat every day as if it's your last.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I will definitely follow your advice. Who know if these hand turkeys might reproduce and take over the world.

      Delete
  8. Very creative and funny!

    The one poking his head out all the way on the right is terrifying.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks, Youngman! I'm surprised you caught him, he's hard to spot.

      Delete