Friday, October 12, 2012

The Best Costume in the Whole World


The light fabric felt like a mesh of mushy babies between his chubby fingers. He was nearing the completion of what was to be his magnum opus.

Three years in a row he has lost his high school’s Halloween costume competition. Billy was convinced it was politics, but he was prepared to make a lasting impression, a display of radiance and originality that not even the popular student-judges could ignore.

2011 Halloween Costume Competition
(Billy wasn't in the photo album)

He used a stone to sharpen the scissors. Not even Death’s scythe had an edge so razor-sharp. He carefully approached the cloth with extreme precision. A bead of sweat funneled into his eye, but his concentration was as frozen as a mesh of frozen mushy babies. The blade so much as glanced the delicate fabric when— KNOCK! KNOCK! “Billy?! Are you okay?” his mother inquired in the voice of a thousand screeching harpies.

“I’m FINE!” His voice shook the foundation as a few lit candles spilled to the crusty carpet.

“You’ve been up here for 14 hours. How ‘bout you come down stairs. I’ve cooked up some Spaghetti-Ohs,” his mother relentlessly continued… forever.

Billy tried to restrain himself, but the words forced their way up like a fire from the belly of a dragon-bitch. “Go AWAY from this place, you wretched serpent-lady!”

Silence followed his rapturous outburst. He let out an exasperated sigh much like an equally exasperated dog who was also sighing. Billy resumed his work.

The scissors cut through the cloth as the freed threads fell to the floor like jellybeans. The measurements were exact and he gazed upon his work with implausible delight. He cut the same exact dimensions in his next incision.

Four more hours had past and he was finally complete. He shed a tear… and then another tear. This went on for another hour before he decided to don the impeccable attire. He slowly turned toward the mirror. He was forced to squint or otherwise be taken hold by the incredible vivacity of the costume. It was perfect. There was no doubt in Billy’s mind that he’d win this year’s Halloween costume competition.


Yes, I'm getting lazy with titles.

16 comments:

  1. People actually do that? I really had no idea. I suppose if you put so much time and effort into something then you're going to feel like it's the greatest thing ever.

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    1. I usually make my own Halloween costume. It's more often than not so complex that no one ends up getting it, and it ends up lame, though.

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  2. This sounds like a carefully veiled story from someone's childhood. And dude...you passed on Spaghetti-O's???

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    1. Yeah, if only I could discover who's, though. And I despise Spaghetti-O's. I think they are horrifyingly gross.

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  3. A brilliant costume. I wonder if anyone has done this before.

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    1. You can never tell, but I'm going with the safe bet and saying no.

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  4. Don't want to upset you Billy, but I've made the same costume this year. What are the chances?

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    1. Ah! Well, I bet I spent way more time one mine. Were you sure to cut precise 2x2 measurements for the eye sockets?

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  5. Needs chains.

    Or, well, I don't know. I've never won a costume competition. Billy is probably more of an expert than I am.

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    1. I haven't, either, but I'll be willing to bet Billy takes the prize this year even without the complimentary chains.

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  6. No matter how good your costume is, Billy, you're still going to lose to the hot girl that dresses up really, really slutty. That includes but is not limited to the girl that wears red lingerie, a devil horn headband, and a clip on tail, and wins first prize for her rendition of "the devil."

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    1. Ah, the scantily clad ladies always win. I saw a slutty Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle costume yesterday and I have yet to recover from my rage.

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  7. I like it! Don't over-complicate things. Keep it simple, I always say (in fact "simple" is my middle name!)

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    1. Exactly! How does the old saying go? Plain and simple win the race? Ah, I don't know, sure was a slow process, though.

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  8. Brilliant. Utterly brilliant costume. Totally original. Really clever, intricate design. No wonder it took so long. Can I borrow the idea for my company's Halloween costume competition??

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    1. Absolutely. Though, the materials for the costume were quite expensive. Plus it requires a lot of time. However, if there's money involved in the competition, you should have no problem getting your money back once you walk away with the win.

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