Tuesday, October 9, 2012

Clowning Around

I opened up my wallet only to mistakenly unleash the fiery wrath of Mothra. It was vengeance that the beast sought, and luckily for me, his rival resided on the other side of the Earth. So, off the gargantuan moth flew weaving a path of destruction toward Godzilla’s domain in Japan. Above all the chaos and devastation, this shocking event made me realize one very important thing: I needed another job.
 Not drawn to scale.
I scanned Monster and want-ads, Indeed and doo-dads, yet nothing catered to my limited skill set. It wasn’t until I perused the darkest corners of Craig’s List that I found a job even I was capable of doing (No, not “waterworks” or prostitution).  It was a listing by a local mother seeking a clown to perform at her son’s birthday party!

So, I shot her an email the next day to let her know I was interested:

Dear Margaret,

Knock, knock!
Who’s there?
Chiz!
Chiz who?
No, thanks. I have already have a chizzoo.
As you can tell, I’m already a pretty funny guy, but enough with the silly antics. I’m writing to you to inquire about your listing on Craig’s List. I’ve already done you the favor of finding out where you live to save you from telling me your address. I’ve been doing some research, as well. While you were out, I took the liberty of perusing your house to find out what things Billy finds most enjoyable. I see that he likes animals, matchbox cars, and IMing his best friend Alex.
If it’s all the same to you, I’ll show up to your home at precisely 1pm tomorrow. I’ll be the guy dressed as a clown (Teehee, but you already know that). See you then!

Regards,
Chiz the Silly Clown

P.S. I really like the color of your bedroom walls.

Margaret never got back to me, so I figured she was fine with me performing at her son’s birthday.

That night, I went out to grab the essentials.

The first thing I picked up was this silly little squirt gun at the thrift store. Billy likes action movies, so he’d definitely go for a squirt gun of this caliber:

Next, I put together a costume that would have the kids clutching their bellies in laughter. As soon as I took one look in the mirror, I immediately started laughing my socks off. What do you guys think?
Silly, huh? 
I picked up a few more items before I knew I was ready for the big day.

That night, I barely got any sleep I was so excited. I hopped out of bed in the morning, and jetted off in my brown van with the tinted windows and rushed to Billy’s birthday party.

I arrived at their luxurious colonial home and knocked in a silly rhythm on the front door. Before Margaret answered, I thought it’d be funny to point the squirt gun at her face as she opened the door. So, I did precisely that.

It was apparent Margaret was quite surprised. As soon as she opened the door, she saw the squirt gun and immediately threw her hands up and bolted out the back. I assumed that she just didn’t want to get wet. With a simple shrug of my shoulders, I headed for the living room where the children were all at play.

“Hey, everybody!” I shouted in a silly voice as I waved the squirt gun in the air. However, their reaction was not one I would’ve guessed. The room erupted in chaos as the kids screamed and fluttered about. I assumed it was because I was a little late, but there was no need to throw a tantrum just because I was 4 minutes behind schedule. I decided to lighten the mood by running after the kids while cheerfully yelling, “I’m going to get you! Chiz is going to put a smile on that silly face of yours!”

Somehow my plan wasn’t working, so I quickly whipped out the balloons. “Who likes balloon animals?” I asked. No one answered; they just kept screaming and crying. So, I proceeded to make a balloon animal. Unfortunately, the only balloon animal I was capable of making was an exposed barnacle:
 Barnacles are truly fascinating creatures.
I’m assuming the children were looking for something more exotic like a giraffe or an alligator because the children were still not pleased.

At that point I was just so overwhelmed by the tough, uncontrollable audience that I decided that maybe being a clown did require some skills that I didn’t possess. It was then that I swallowed my pride and left the party. Perhaps there’s another job out there that’s suitable for me, but at least I know that being a clown is not one of them.

This is a submission to DudeWrite 18! Head on over to discover many more fantastically brilliant bloggers... Not to say that I'm a fantastic blogger or anything... Ah whatever, you know the drill.

28 comments:

  1. Well I know I'm not sleeping tonight. I think you would make an excellent clown. I don't think kids are the right audience for you though. Try the convenience store clerk. Just do it while they're at work. You'll make a lot of money.

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    1. I followed you advice, and now I'm writing to you from jail! I mean I made tons of money, but it all got taken away from me. Probably because I didn't report my earnings to the IRS.

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  2. Veery funny. Don't drive by a police station anytime soon in your costume.

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    1. Thanks, Stephen! And very true, I should probably take the long route past the town's park and playground.

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  3. Very imaginative but seriously, where did you get a man-purse you are trying to call a wallet?? And your nails look overly manicured and ahem...feminate. And that moth looks like something out of the Butterfly Effect 2 movie trailer. What was the point again??

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    1. I recently got back from a manicure. And that not a man-purse, it's a satchel (seriously, though, I made that picture so quick that I didn't realize is was a woman's coin purse)! And the moth is an artist's rendition of Mothra (it was the only picture with a white background that I cold easily crop out).

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  4. This scared me so much I'm PayPalling you all my money right now. Just don't shoot!

    Loved every minute of this. From the moment you sent that creepy email about breaking into their house, I liked where this was going.

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    1. Thanks, Addman! You certainly forwarded me more money than I would've expect from someone who's just trying to avoid getting wet.

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    2. You underestimate just how much I hate water. My mother was a cat and my father was a bucket of sand.

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    3. Cat + Bucket of sand = Cat litter?

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  5. I think I saw something about this on Dateline NBC. Don't worry Chiz, I won't report your whereabouts to the authorities. Your secret clowning is safe with me.

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    1. Thank you, Jimmy! And you repay your gratitude, I'll be more than happy to perform as a clown at your next birthday!

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  6. I dunno... I think you have a big career ahead of you.

    The thing is, sometimes, people don't realize they need a party clown. Reminding them by sneaking into their houses in the middle of the night usually helps.

    This is the best blog entry about clowns I have read all week. Since at least Saturday, I'd say!

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    1. Thanks, Katy! I figure a good way to draw in business is to enter peoples' homes while they're asleep and leave my business card resting on their noses. They'll probably find it quite hilarious.

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  7. Not just any clown could pull off a good birthday party like this, too bad Margaret left before the balloon animals were passed out, she may have enjoyed one, or passed out.

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    1. I think she could have used one. She seemed very tense. I'm sure an exposed barnacle would have done her some good.

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  8. "P.S. I really like the color of your bedroom walls." Hysterical!

    I just don't know why all those parents and kids couldn't appreciate your genius. I mean, your clown costume is perfect. It won't give me nightmares at all. Nope, not at all...please, not at all!

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    1. Thanks, Kianwi! I spent hours on that costume only for these ungrateful little rapscallions to make a mockery of it (which was the intended purpose, but I couldn't have foreseen the negative reaction).

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  9. Man, kids are so spoiled these days! You wave one silly gun around and suddenly it's "restraining order" this "raging lunatic" that. I'm never going to that kindergarten ever again - so humiliating!

    This was some hysterical stuff, by the way!

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    1. Thanks, Daniel! And I know what you mean! Now I'm outlawed from thirteen counties all because these damn children don't know what funny is. It seems these television shows and internets are draining these children of their imagination.

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  10. Feeling really good you don't live near me. I'm a sucker for a good squirt gun fight but my dryers is on the fritz. I can only shower once a week because of it and anything other wetting cannot be overcome.

    WG

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    1. Well, if Margaret had stated that she had a problem such as this, I would've pointed the gun at one of the children instead of her, but nooo she had to panic and call the police!

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  11. Great stuff Chiz! Particularly liked your balloon animal. And as for that clown's outfit, it will haunt me for the rest of the decade.

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    1. Thanks, Bryan! And by "haunt" I assume you mean "haunt with uncontrollable laughter and cheer"?

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  12. Poor Chiz... No one appreciates a good clown. It's a lost art. Oh well, their loss. :)

    Fun read Chiz!

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    1. Thanks, Michael! I know, I feel as though clowns are a dying breed.

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  13. Stop clowning around and get a job!

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    1. Oh, I'm just about to apply for my old line cook job and work weekends. Joy! They said I could wear the clown costume.

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