Friday, September 7, 2012

Popcorn Etiquette

Have you ever succumbed to your good-natured self and graciously shared a bowl of popcorn with your friend only to have them disrespect you for it? Well that’s how I feel when I’m shoveling down popcorn and my popcorn partner disrupts me by sassily spouting, “Why do you eat popcorn by the handful,” as their limp, soft hand grabs one piece at a time. Is there any other way to eat popcorn other than by the handful?

Because a picture of popcorn would be boring.
You don’t eat beans one at a time; excavators don’t grab one grain of sand at a time; ravenous wolves don’t munch on deer blood one cell at a time. I’m hungry, and if you think I’m going to eat my popcorn like a snooty fairy diaper king then you can go microwave your own bag. There is no enjoyment in eating popcorn one at a time because as soon as it touches your tongue is dissolves into nothingness wherein all you end up swallowing is slightly salty spit (I'm sure there's a sexual innuendo somewhere in that statement). It’s offensive.

According to science, the word 'popcorn' comes from a combination of the English terms 'pop' and 'corn'. 'Pop' meaning blow up and stuff, and 'corn' meaning that vegetable that grows on those skinny trees and reappears in your poo. So mathematically speaking, popcorn is popped corn (Google it. I swear I'm not lying). Look back on the times that you've indulged in the art of eating corn. Whether on or off the cob, you’ve devour more than one kernel at a time. Why should popcorn be any different? If a pea is popped, is it not still a pea?
Also, popcorn is yellow, a color which psychologically stirs up feelings of annoyance. So, why wouldn’t you wish to rid yourself of popcorn all the faster? Perhaps this is the reason I become so agitated when someone hinders me from sticking my face into the popcorn bowl, or maybe, those who eat popcorn one kernel at a time are colorblind and/or immune to psychological disturbances. Have we indeed found a superior race?

Let 'em have it, Boromir!
I know my intelligence and scientific astuteness is millennia ahead of our time, but if you take the time to examine my popcorn theory, you’ll begin to question why you ever ate popcorn one kernel at time if not for some greater purpose.

This was an enhanced repost, but only like 7 people read the last one.

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48 comments:

  1. I see absolutely no flaws with your popcorn theory - especially since I eat it by the handful too.

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    1. Excellent! I was afraid of the responses I might get, but so far so good.

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  2. I eat popcorn by the handful and I agree with you. Even if I didn't, I would bow to your superior science and intellect. Science bitches.

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    1. It seems as though we are in the majority in this case. I'm sure you could have come up with the same results had you ever scientifically analyzed popcorn eating etiquette.

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  3. I'd say your popcorn eating etiquette is just fine! Eating one piece at a time is just stupid ... maybe your eating companion was hoping to slow you down so they could get more of it for themselves?

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    1. That is a solid hypothesis. Perhaps that may have been the reason, but I suppose there's no rule against using psychological warfare when it comes to eating popcorn.

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  4. My brother brought up this phenomenon at a recent Yankee game, after he bought a bucket. There are one-at-a-timers and Crammers. I´m a crammer--the more popcorn I can stuff in my mouth at one time, the better.

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    1. I'm digging the terminology. I'm going to have to use those word in my next popcorn debate. I'm with you. I need to use a shovel to force feed myself the popcorn.

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  5. Fun observation. Whether or not I eat popcorn one kernel at a time or not depends on how much popcorn there is and who's watching.

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    1. I suppose that's true for myself as well. I never eat popcorn one at a time, but if I'm alone in a high-traffic area, I may only take in 3-4 kernels at a time to spare people the sight on me going balls to the wall on a bag of popcorn.

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  6. I'm definitely a one kernel at a time gal. Well, one kernel for me and a handful thrown to my dog and a handful thrown to my cat. It's highly annoying that I can never finish a single batch of popcorn on my own, because I have two begging pets that want to share. My cat will come over to the bowl and scoop some out for herself if I don't throw her some and obviously I have no control in this house, so I do it!

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    1. You're the first one-kernel person to comment. You are unfortunately in the minority it seems. Anyway, I don't think I've made it through a batch myself without tossing a few handfuls to my dog. It's surprising how he's not overly obese at this point.

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  7. That pictures looks like eduard stark!!

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    1. It's actually the same actor who plays Eddard Stark. His name is Sean Bean, and he dies in pretty much every single one of his roles (hope I didn't spoil anything for anyone).

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  8. seriously, you cannot eat popcorn one kernel at a time. it goes against all of the fundamental laws of nature

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    1. Since the dawn of man, we humans were instilled with the instincts of shoveling popcorn into our mouths as if we were to never see another bag in our lifetime.

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  9. First, I rarely eat popcorn. To me it's like watermelon and cotton candy, it dissolves and leaves an aftertaste.
    But when I do (said like the Dos Equis dude) I eat it by the handful. I always assumed this was because it is never MY popcorn, so repeatedly dipping my hand into someone else's bowl/bag is like quadruple dipping in the onion dip. Conservation of effort is my game.

    On a side note, popcorn sticks to the cats tongue in the most funny way.

    WG

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    1. Not even watermelon!? Bah, anyway, popcorn always tastes so much better when it's not your own. Also, kind of irrelevent, but I hate when at parties people put tongs in the chip bowl. I always dip the tongs in the toilet, then grab the chips with my hand (and by 'always' I mean'never').

      P.S. I guess I'll have to feed my girlfriend's cat some popcorn next time.

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  10. My issue with eating pop-corn (at least the movie theater variety), is that the top is generally nice and buttery and salty. Just the way I like it. But then as you work your way to the bottom, its starts to get dry and not near as yummy. I usually counter with a handful of chocolate crunch to curb my sweet and salty cravings.

    I also hate it when the shucks (sp?) of the kernels get stuck between your gums and teeth. Ouch!

    Fun one Chiz!

    Michael A. Walker
    Defying Procrastination

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    1. Thanks, Michael! On a few occasions I have asked for a seperate bag so I could layer the butter (that is if there's enough tim before the movie). Though, I've had a few threaten to charge me 25 cents to which I respond, "Keep your bag you damn dirty human!"

      And I most definitely hate when the shucks (sp? as well) get stuck in your teeth. I'll spend half the movie trying to remove them.

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  11. I can assure you Chiz, that there is no limp, soft handedness going on when I eat popcorn. If you can't stick your whole head in the bowl, then it's not worth eating.

    Also your definition of the origin of the word, was both fascinating and insightful. I learn something new everyday. Great post as always. :D

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    1. Thanks, Lily! I didn't get these calluses on my hands from hard labor. No, I had to get these the hard way: by furiously grabbing for scolding hot popcorn because my popcorn parter beats me to it.

      And it only took a few hours to to come up with the word origin. Nothing special.

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  12. I eat them one at a time, but I put them on my shoulder and use my tongue to grab them. It's not very practical. And for some reason when I do it at the movies, I'm the only one left in my row by the end of the movie.

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    1. It's like shoulder cookie (Google it under images)! Sad to say that I'm extremely tempted to try this for absolutely no reason. I guess this is what work does to you.

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  13. Man, your bullet-proof theory perfectly explains why I end up eating all of my cinema popcorn during the trailers, before the movie ever starts. You're a genius!

    Daniel Nest
    Nest-Expressed.com

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    1. Thanks, Daniel! Only long, arduous hours of work led me to these results. And eating all your popcorn before the movie is the worst, except for famine and disease and shit.

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  14. There is only one rule of popcorn etiquette: Don't do anything nasty with your hands, such as picking your nose or scratching your ass, before sticking your hands in the bowl.

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    1. Or scratching your nose and picking your ass, but yes, I wholeheartedly agree! I like your style.

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  15. I think you should patent the idea of dividers in popcorn bowls, so sharing is less combative. Be lucky you had a 'one at a time' person to share with. My girlfriend in I shovel the popcorn in, and have been known to push and shove if we go for the same butter-drenched pile at the same time...

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    1. Wow, great idea! I think you should patent the idea having come up with it yourself. And I love the butter dretched pile. War is declared everytime I spot a pile.

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  16. I eat popcorn by the handfuls as well, but that's just because if I eat it faster than my wife, then I get to eat a lot more of it.

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    1. Exactly! That's how I look at it. Survival of the fittest (if that's not ironic enough seeing as popcorn probably isn't th best food of choice).

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  17. I use my tongue. The individual pieces just stick right to it. Sure, it might be the way animals eat, but whatever.

    I also don't share.

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    1. I use my tongue when my hands are full or the bag is overflowing. It never spills when you use your tongue.

      I try my hardest to avoid sharing.

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  18. I eat pop corn by the hand full. My only regret is that I don't have bigger hands

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    1. You should invent finger shovels. They can be little plastic shovels that attach to your fingertips to allow for more extreme popcorn shoveling.

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  19. I don't know why someone would complain about that. The alternative is that you have two people karate chopping each other's hands trying to fish out popcorn. Instead, I'm out of the way, and I'm eating out of God's bowl... my hand!

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    1. That is a good way to look at it. Damn, why didn't I think of that? I thought my research was flawless! Where did I go wrong?

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  20. Handfuls? Bah! The only way to eat popcorn is through a funnel.

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    1. Until liquid popcorn is invented, I think you may be right on this one.

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  21. Great post Man...the science bit made me choke on my popcorn and spray the room with it...don't worry...none of it was wasted...I let the kids have those bits...

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    1. Thanks, Jamie! We need more people like you to bring some sense to our wasteful society.

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  22. Sharing popcorn with someone is for new relationships when you are still excited to just get to touch her hand. After that, she can have her own bowl and let me eat the way I want. Plus, I often use my tongue.

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    1. Often times my girlfiend and I eat out of seperate bowls, luckily. I wouldn't want to accidently take a chunk out of her hand in the crossfire.

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  23. Last week, at a football game, I was in the midst of a bunch of women. My wife and some gal friends we happened to bump into. I was sharing a bucket of popcorn with my wife and tried pretty hard to come off as refined by eating one kernel at a time. There was actually a point I thought to myself how wrong this felt and was digging in by the handful before half the bucket was gone. Good timing on the post!

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    1. Thanks, Ken! I tend to stalk my readers in order to make my posts all the more relevant.

      And I've tried acting refined on a few occations only to lose sight of my civility and revert back to my primal state.

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