Tuesday, September 4, 2012

How to Not Have a Heart Attack


I used my girlfriend’s heart rate monitor the other day and found out I’m not at all healthy. Apparently I’m in the danger zone, but that’s just like me to live dangerously. You take more risks knowing that a heart attack could take you out at any moment. But since a handful of people would like me healthy enough to reach my 25th birthday, I’ve decided to map out some habits that’ll hopefully lower that blood pressure (because apparently being skinny isn’t enough to keep you healthy anymore). Here's a list of those habits:
 
1. While I’m playing video games, perhaps I’ll get up from my chair and head to the bathroom when I need to take a piss instead of peeing in my pee bucket. Not only will I get a few more steps added to my daily routine, but it’ll hopefully cut down on the fly infestation.

2. Instead of eating 5 packages of bacon a week, maybe I could switch to turkey bacon. I hear it’s healthier for you, so I can probably get away with eating 10 packages a week while still lowering my blood pressure.

3. Next time I get a double-quarter pounder at McDonald’s, perhaps I can have them hold the pickles. We all know how unhealthy pickles can be.

4. Instead of wearing one hat, I can wear like 2 or 3 hats. The added weight of the hats will help me exercise when I drive to the store to buy more beer and Fritos.

5. Instead of yelling for my cubicle-mate to grab me a coffee, maybe I could get up and walk to his desk and ask him. Also, as a substitute for sugar, I can ask for like 6 Splendas or 14 Equals.

6. Instead of lying in my bed and browsing my computer, I could sit up and look at my computer.

7. Lastly, perhaps I can break my habit of eating all the crumbs from between the couch cushions.




It seems like a lot to take on right now, but if I can at least abide by a few of these tasks, maybe I’ll be on my way to becoming one of the healthiest individuals on the planet. Feel free to steal a few of these tips to help you reach your peak physical condition. Don’t spread the word, though; I’m in the process of making a health guide.

22 comments:

  1. Well you could always write more while on your computer, that's exercise. Right? I'm not sure how good or bad my standing heart rate is, and I have no idea what my blood pressure is. I'd guess at "not good."

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    1. I could wear a load of rings on each finger to add weight and gain some real fit fingers. And yeah, I thought my heart rate would be awesome, but then again, I took the test after a long Labor Day weekend of drinking.

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  2. I wish you would join Google+. It would make my sharing job there so much easier. If you ever do, you should look me up and circle me so I know where you are. https://plus.google.com/u/0/109258118458627782001/posts
    or don't. Whatever. Oh yeah, try stevia as a sweetener

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    1. Alright, alright. Next chance I get I'll make a Google+. I'm busy tonight, but perhaps tomorrow I'll get it all set up. Also, I've never heard of Stevia, I'll have to look it up.

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  3. Very funny. With these great ideas you can be assured of living a long life...as long as a fruit fly.

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    1. I sure hope so. If my sources are correct, fruit flies live until they're like 207 years old or something, right?

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  4. Excellent ideas, all of them winners! I'm sure you'll be running 4 minute miles any day now, which I'm lead to believe is the benchmark of a fit person.

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    1. I just ran yesterday at a pace of like 20 minutes per mile. Almost there!

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  5. Set your scale back ten pounds and tamper with your heart moniter so you lose weight and are in great health, then eat worse and sit around more. Problem solved.

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    1. Luckily the problem isn't my weight, it's just all my clogged arteries and shit.

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  6. i think you're on the pathway to HEALTH!

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    1. I won't settle for just regular old health. I'm shooting for the stars and hiking the path to HEALTH!

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  7. You could literally run to the liquor store to get your beer. Adds a whole new meaning to beer run!

    And the crumbs in the couch are bad for you? That sucks because it is a staple in my diet!

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    1. But the nearest liquor store is like 5 miles away! I want to be in shape, but not THAT in shape.

      And I just assumed that I could spare myself the 40 day old Fritos wedged between the seat cushion in the name of health.

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  8. You could also drink extra light beer. You know, like MGD 64 or that Bud Select 55 that's only 55 calories. The beer so clear it's practically water?

    ...And I almost said that with a straight face. Almost. (By the way, it IS just water. They just package it in used beer bottles so it still has a hint of beer taste/smell)

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    1. Ugh, I think I'd rather die. My mother drinks those flavored MGDs. It's like MGD pomegranate kiwi rasberry maple banana or something. It tastes like rusty sink water.

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  9. Hey, I'm suing! I followed your tips and gained 10lbs!
    And I'd sell my soul for a computer shelf like that in the picture...but I already sold it for chocolate! :D

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    1. I may have made a miscalculation. I think the effort it takes to rustle the crumbs out from between the couch cushions actually helps your metabolism. I am recalling the guide immediately to make the change.

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  10. A couple of years ago, I weighed 99 pounds and has really high cholesterol. The doctor told me to drink more water. That will keep the heart attacks at bay.

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    1. Well, in that case, I'll put down this BFC of Monster and pick up a glass of some high-quality H2O.

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  11. Perhaps somebody makes a bacon flavored beer. That would kill two birds with one stone. And by stone, I mean heart attack.

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    1. I'd be surprised if that hasn't been done yet. If not, then I feel like beer is the only remining substance that has not been combined with bacon.

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