I used my girlfriend’s heart rate monitor the other day and found out I’m not at all healthy. Apparently I’m in the danger zone, but that’s just like me to live dangerously. You take more risks knowing that a heart attack could take you out at any moment. But since a handful of people would like me healthy enough to reach my 25th birthday, I’ve decided to map out some habits that’ll hopefully lower that blood pressure (because apparently being skinny isn’t enough to keep you healthy anymore). Here's a list of those habits:
1. While I’m playing video games, perhaps I’ll get up from my chair and head to the bathroom when I need to take a piss instead of peeing in my pee bucket. Not only will I get a few more steps added to my daily routine, but it’ll hopefully cut down on the fly infestation.
2. Instead of eating 5 packages of bacon a week, maybe I could switch to turkey bacon. I hear it’s healthier for you, so I can probably get away with eating 10 packages a week while still lowering my blood pressure.
3. Next time I get a double-quarter pounder at McDonald’s, perhaps I can have them hold the pickles. We all know how unhealthy pickles can be.
4. Instead of wearing one hat, I can wear like 2 or 3 hats. The added weight of the hats will help me exercise when I drive to the store to buy more beer and Fritos.
5. Instead of yelling for my cubicle-mate to grab me a coffee, maybe I could get up and walk to his desk and ask him. Also, as a substitute for sugar, I can ask for like 6 Splendas or 14 Equals.
7. Lastly, perhaps I can break my habit of eating all the crumbs from between the couch cushions.
It seems like a lot to take on right now, but if I can at least abide by a few of these tasks, maybe I’ll be on my way to becoming one of the healthiest individuals on the planet. Feel free to steal a few of these tips to help you reach your peak physical condition. Don’t spread the word, though; I’m in the process of making a health guide.