Thursday, September 13, 2012

'Gimme Summa Dat' New York Soda Ban


I haven’t done one of these article reviews in quite some time. So, what better way to reignite the flame than to review New York’s recent ban of sugary drink exceeding 16oz?

Here’s the article:  New York OKs nation's first ban on super-sized sugary drinks, but in case you don’t feel like reading it, the basic synopsis is New York has passed a ban that would warrant a $200 fine to anyone caught drinking or distributing sugary beverages holding more than 16 fluid ounces.


Who knew that my prayers would actually be answered at such a swift pace? This recent regulation has blasted us almost as far back as the Roman Empire. I, for one, can’t wait to live in the medieval times. I’m jumping with joy that the era may be once more upon us in my lifetime. It’ll be like King Richard’s Faire but all the time!

Aside from my jovial façade (and the fact that I don’t live in New York), I am actually not all that fazed by this new decree simply due to the fact that I don’t drink soda all that much (although my blood pressure suggests otherwise). Though, I can see why many may be perturbed by such an absurd encroachment on our freedom of choice.

The rationale behind the law is that it’ll cut down on America’s overwhelming obesity. I guess they’ve overlooked the fact that stores sell soda cans in packs of 30. Let’s just hope it proves more successful than “The War on Drugs” (aka The War on Struggling Teenage Underlings).

According to a Google-wide research conducted by the Duke of Chiz Chat, soda is so devastatingly detrimental to one’s health that it was the leading cause of extinction amongst the dodo birds. Interestingly, white rhinos learned nothing from the dodos’ plight, therefore resulting in their population reaching such extreme lows as 4 white rhinos per planet. Reviewing those totally made up statistics, it is plain to see that our overpopulated country could do with this essential ban.


Though, as we’ve learned in the past, prohibition can do more harm than good. Pretty soon the mafia will seize control of underground 20oz soda cup operations and a wave of crime will hit the streets. The obese will be prosecuted solely on appearance alone as the only viable excuse for them being overweight is consumption of soda and not any of the other millions of things that also cause you to gain weight.

My suggestion for New York would be to load up on more officers to thwart this grave injustice that will be flooding the streets. May God lend his hand in New York’s mission to prevent the further consumption of sugary drinks exceeding 16oz.


This is a submission to Dude Write 14: 100 Days of Dudes because I love dudes so much. Head on over to read posts likely to make you weep, laugh, cheer, and reevaluate your life all at once. It's quite the trip, if I do say so myself.

29 comments:

  1. What a waste of time and tax payers money. This law solves nothing. You can make the cups 12oz if you want, it still doesn't prevent anyone from refilling it a dozen times. What morons!

    Enjoyed it Chiz!

    Michael A. Walker
    Defying Procrastination

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    1. Yeah, the whole think leaves me dumbfounded. I not exactly sure how these regulations will cut down on obesity. I say it's just another way to make money.

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  2. I agree with Michael; what's the point if you can get all the free refills you want?

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    1. I have no idea. I wish I knew more about it, but from what I'm assuming, this is more about money than health.

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  3. Even for America, this is pretty damn absurd. It takes a lot more than soda to make a person fat, and given how sodas don't really contain much in the way of fat, they're probably the worst things to attack.

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    1. Well, in a previous post of mine, I explained how a town near me has banned cussing in public, so we've got a pretty good track record going for stupid bylaws.

      Also, there are plenty of worse things to attack. They should just hands out free gym memberships if they truly wanted people to be healthy.

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    2. Wait! I'm not for the law or anything - but sodas are so full of sugar that they *do* contribute to obesity for sure. The law may be a stupid way of going about it - but cutting back on sodas would probably be a helpful thing for people to do ;)

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    3. Don't get me wrong, cutting most soda out of my diet was a great choice, but I would think an informative ad campaign would enlighten many to this issue without infringing on peoples' freedoms.

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  4. What? When I was over there, giant soda cups were one of my favourite things. A beverage tastes twice as good when the container is the same size as a tree trunk.

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    1. Yeah, fortunately they're only banned in New York. But, if you've got three thirsty people, it's better to get a $7 32oz than three $5 16oz.

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  5. Oh, what else could our politicians actually pass these days, beyond the wind.

    Frivolous regulations call for....prescriptions. Just like California allowing a little medicinal weed, I'm sure the excitable New Yorkers will be able to enjoy a 32oz soda provided they get the proper papers.

    WG

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    1. Well, marijuana is said to speed up the metabolism, so maybe New York would do we a little weed. Anyway, I think this is all to distract us Americans from the serious issues (conspiracy theorist persona kicking in).

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  6. I think the better plan would be to ban healthy food. That way, everyone will want to eat it, just for the very fact that it's illegal. Who wants soda and ice cream, when you can get some broccoli on the black market?!

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    1. That is actually a brilliant idea. That's why American teenagers are always so eager to to drink. I think you may be on to something here, Kianwi!

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  7. Well, I don't know about you, but I'm buying myself a long trench-coat with multiple inner pockets. I'm filling those pockets with brown sugar cubes and embarking on the most epic smuggling adventure of my life!

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    1. Hey, it'll be like prohibition all over again. If you ever wanted to make the big bucks, now would be that time.

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  8. Totally stupid. What gives anyone the right to decide how much we drink?

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    1. Apparently Cuomo. I wish I could make some remark on his fitness, but damn he's in shape. Though, he does look like the stereotypical evil villian.

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  9. Well clearly the war on drugs and prohibition were both great successes, so I see no possible way that this could fail.

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    1. I wholeheartedly agree! I don't see a think that could possibly go awry.

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  10. "That'll sure show me," said Cletus with his 12 ounce soda, as he scarfed down a triple cheeseburger, two super-sized fries, and half a chocolate cake.

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    1. Next thing you know, they'll ban the free chocolate cake you get when you order a bucket of KFC. Blasphemy!

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  11. It's almost as bad as living in the People's Republic of Massachusetts....just this year alone, several town tried banning plastic water bottles, styrofoam containers and the soda.

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    1. Yeah, it sucks living in Massachusetts. Middleborough banned swearing in public and I remember the plastic water bottle and styrofoam ban almost happening. But I think we pay enough taxes to be as unhealthy and wasteful as we want.

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  12. I can't believe it passed, how ridiculous! I love your idea of passing out gym memberships instead - way more productive than banning something. Not to mention I love my Coke, it's the only vice I have left!

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    1. It sounds like a great idea, but unfortunately, it would require spending money on the people and not for the benefit of themselves. I'm not a big fan of soda, but Coke is definitely my soda of choice.

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  13. I have not consumed sugar sodas in over 20 years. Thankfully, I have recently lost weight, but up until 4 months ago, I was technically obese. Sugar sodas had nothing to do with it.

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    1. Congrats on the weight loss! Here's even more proof that soda is not the only thing that causes weight gain, surprisingly.

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  14. This ridiculous law is a perfect example of government regulation run amuck. The government has no business telling anyone how much or how little soda their citizens should drink or sell. Smoking is a proven carcinogenic habit with second hand smoke implications and it bears no resemblance to a soda ban, so don't even go there Libs. The government has no business in our bedrooms, our lunchbox, or our refrigerator when it comes to personal decisions on how much. This pathetic law isn't just unfair to small business, it's also an insult to all Americans who being told they cannot be expected to take responsibility for their own diet. This law obviously offends me, and I resent those who felt compelled to take it forward.

    - Jake from 4-insure.com

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