Thursday, September 27, 2012

The Spammed Comment that Started a Revolution

While scrounging through my spam folder, I happened upon several comments that I've ignorantly overlooked through the ages. But of all the comments I perused, one truly shined above the rest:

In case you haven't read the post, Conception (and I strongly suggest you don't), it's a tribute to the struggle and exertion one often undergoes while experiencing constipation. Yes, the post is all about taking a poo.

Anyway, I'm glad someone finally appreciates my devotion to tackling the utmost important and controversial topics. With politics, global economic collapse, and rising tensions in the Middle East and Asia hogging the headlines of every media source, it's easy to lose focus of what's most important, and that's taking a poo.

Dear Anonymous, though you have a very odd name (Greek? Icelandic?), I acknowledge your wisdom and wish for all to view my words on poo through the same inquisitive eyes. I, too, believe people should "understand [my] side of the story."

Readers, take a look at your clock. For every second that ticks by, another victim falls prey to the agonizing effects of constipation. While you allow yourself to be distracted by who will be the next Leader of the Free World, you are taking attention away from the issues that truly matter. Poo problems, popcorn eating ediquette, and cat profiling, all very serious issues, are all swept under the rug due to your overwhelming ignorance.

My posts aren't meant to be taken with a grain of salt; reflect upon them and understand the importance of these vital and prominent issues. Frankly, I'm upset that this Anonymous (what an absurdly odd name) fellowone who's not even a follower of my blogwas the first to built up the courage to reveal the truth. I urge you all to follow his brave example and raise awareness for the issues that matter.

Phew, I'm glad I was finally able to get that out there.

Sorry, I've had a busy week. Better posts are yet to come.

Thursday, September 20, 2012

Gabriel's Drinking Problem

This is yet another submission to Dude Write’s September Flash Mob . This week’s competition is has a picture prompt theme. Head on over to Dude Write to check out the details and submit a story of your own. Be sure to read everyone’s submissions, as well. You won’t be disappointed.
Word count: 500
Picture prompt
"Gabriel, put down the drink."

Gabriel turned his attention to Michael and was practically blinded by the reflective, gold armor that decorated his body. "Well, don't you look shimmering," Gabriel retorted.

"Drunk again, I see," countered Michael. "The apocalypse starts in an hour, and you've got the look of a leper fermenting in brandy. At least fasten your armor correctly."

Gabriel stared down at his dangling, colorless breast plate. "Oh, you mean these hand-me-downs? Here let me tighten these crusty, shredded straps." He began to tug at the straps in an exaggerated manner.

"Will you relax? I know you're still mad that I was assigned the position of Archangel, but it was God's decision. I had no say in the matter."

"Mad? Who's mad? Certainly not I, the Angel of Death. What business does the Harbinger of Demise have leading an army to victory over the innumerable spawns of Satan? No let's leave the job to a carrier pigeon. Let's have the Angel of Public Transportation lead an army toward a throng of daemonic assassins." Gabriel was off his stool and pacing the barroom floor.

"See? This is precisely why God chose me to lead the charge. Who in their right mind would want an inebriated sponge cake with crusty mustard in his feathers leading them into battle?"

"Hey! I bet The Four Horsemen are getting smashed at this very moment. Do you think that's going to hinder their ability to slaughter the masses?"

"Well seeing as the prophecy foretells of their defeat, then yes, I think it's going to have a bit of an impact on their mobility."

"Regardless, I am the Angel of Death! D-E-A-T-H."

"It's only a nickname! God sent you to maim the Egyptians, not murder them."

Gabriel hesitated for a brief moment. "What?"

"Yeah, the 'Angel of Death' was a joke, a nickname, started by the other angels. Why you decided to proudly boast the title is beyond me."

“Still, you can’t tell me I’m not good at killing.”

“True, yet considering every one of us as well as our enemies are perpetual beings, I doubt there will be much killing. Didn’t you listen to God’s lecture this morning?”

“There was a lecture this morning?” Gabriel tilted his head to the side.

Michael rubbed his eyes and let out a sigh. “Our job is to banish our opposition to the Lake of Fire. Nowhere in our game plan is there any mention of killing.”

Gabriel glared at Michael. He opened his mouth to reply, but quickly turned his attention to the bartender and help up his finger. “Another drink, please.”

“God damn—I mean, gosh darn it, Gabriel! Did you listen to a thing I’ve said?”

Gabriel hovered over the freshly poured drink. The liquid reflected what was once a battle-hardened angel now turned shabby and pathetic. 

Trumpets blared outside the saloon doors. “Gabriel, ride beside me, brother,” Michael desperately pleaded.

With that, Gabriel tipped the glass, spilling the destructive contents upon the bar top.

Thursday, September 13, 2012

'Gimme Summa Dat' New York Soda Ban

I haven’t done one of these article reviews in quite some time. So, what better way to reignite the flame than to review New York’s recent ban of sugary drink exceeding 16oz?

Here’s the article:  New York OKs nation's first ban on super-sized sugary drinks, but in case you don’t feel like reading it, the basic synopsis is New York has passed a ban that would warrant a $200 fine to anyone caught drinking or distributing sugary beverages holding more than 16 fluid ounces.

Who knew that my prayers would actually be answered at such a swift pace? This recent regulation has blasted us almost as far back as the Roman Empire. I, for one, can’t wait to live in the medieval times. I’m jumping with joy that the era may be once more upon us in my lifetime. It’ll be like King Richard’s Faire but all the time!

Aside from my jovial façade (and the fact that I don’t live in New York), I am actually not all that fazed by this new decree simply due to the fact that I don’t drink soda all that much (although my blood pressure suggests otherwise). Though, I can see why many may be perturbed by such an absurd encroachment on our freedom of choice.

The rationale behind the law is that it’ll cut down on America’s overwhelming obesity. I guess they’ve overlooked the fact that stores sell soda cans in packs of 30. Let’s just hope it proves more successful than “The War on Drugs” (aka The War on Struggling Teenage Underlings).

According to a Google-wide research conducted by the Duke of Chiz Chat, soda is so devastatingly detrimental to one’s health that it was the leading cause of extinction amongst the dodo birds. Interestingly, white rhinos learned nothing from the dodos’ plight, therefore resulting in their population reaching such extreme lows as 4 white rhinos per planet. Reviewing those totally made up statistics, it is plain to see that our overpopulated country could do with this essential ban.

Though, as we’ve learned in the past, prohibition can do more harm than good. Pretty soon the mafia will seize control of underground 20oz soda cup operations and a wave of crime will hit the streets. The obese will be prosecuted solely on appearance alone as the only viable excuse for them being overweight is consumption of soda and not any of the other millions of things that also cause you to gain weight.

My suggestion for New York would be to load up on more officers to thwart this grave injustice that will be flooding the streets. May God lend his hand in New York’s mission to prevent the further consumption of sugary drinks exceeding 16oz.

This is a submission to Dude Write 14: 100 Days of Dudes because I love dudes so much. Head on over to read posts likely to make you weep, laugh, cheer, and reevaluate your life all at once. It's quite the trip, if I do say so myself.

Friday, September 7, 2012

Popcorn Etiquette

Have you ever succumbed to your good-natured self and graciously shared a bowl of popcorn with your friend only to have them disrespect you for it? Well that’s how I feel when I’m shoveling down popcorn and my popcorn partner disrupts me by sassily spouting, “Why do you eat popcorn by the handful,” as their limp, soft hand grabs one piece at a time. Is there any other way to eat popcorn other than by the handful?

Because a picture of popcorn would be boring.
You don’t eat beans one at a time; excavators don’t grab one grain of sand at a time; ravenous wolves don’t munch on deer blood one cell at a time. I’m hungry, and if you think I’m going to eat my popcorn like a snooty fairy diaper king then you can go microwave your own bag. There is no enjoyment in eating popcorn one at a time because as soon as it touches your tongue is dissolves into nothingness wherein all you end up swallowing is slightly salty spit (I'm sure there's a sexual innuendo somewhere in that statement). It’s offensive.

According to science, the word 'popcorn' comes from a combination of the English terms 'pop' and 'corn'. 'Pop' meaning blow up and stuff, and 'corn' meaning that vegetable that grows on those skinny trees and reappears in your poo. So mathematically speaking, popcorn is popped corn (Google it. I swear I'm not lying). Look back on the times that you've indulged in the art of eating corn. Whether on or off the cob, you’ve devour more than one kernel at a time. Why should popcorn be any different? If a pea is popped, is it not still a pea?
Also, popcorn is yellow, a color which psychologically stirs up feelings of annoyance. So, why wouldn’t you wish to rid yourself of popcorn all the faster? Perhaps this is the reason I become so agitated when someone hinders me from sticking my face into the popcorn bowl, or maybe, those who eat popcorn one kernel at a time are colorblind and/or immune to psychological disturbances. Have we indeed found a superior race?

Let 'em have it, Boromir!
I know my intelligence and scientific astuteness is millennia ahead of our time, but if you take the time to examine my popcorn theory, you’ll begin to question why you ever ate popcorn one kernel at time if not for some greater purpose.

This was an enhanced repost, but only like 7 people read the last one.

This post has been submitted to Dude Write 13. Head on over to read other submissions from fantastic bloggers.

Tuesday, September 4, 2012

How to Not Have a Heart Attack

I used my girlfriend’s heart rate monitor the other day and found out I’m not at all healthy. Apparently I’m in the danger zone, but that’s just like me to live dangerously. You take more risks knowing that a heart attack could take you out at any moment. But since a handful of people would like me healthy enough to reach my 25th birthday, I’ve decided to map out some habits that’ll hopefully lower that blood pressure (because apparently being skinny isn’t enough to keep you healthy anymore). Here's a list of those habits:
1. While I’m playing video games, perhaps I’ll get up from my chair and head to the bathroom when I need to take a piss instead of peeing in my pee bucket. Not only will I get a few more steps added to my daily routine, but it’ll hopefully cut down on the fly infestation.

2. Instead of eating 5 packages of bacon a week, maybe I could switch to turkey bacon. I hear it’s healthier for you, so I can probably get away with eating 10 packages a week while still lowering my blood pressure.

3. Next time I get a double-quarter pounder at McDonald’s, perhaps I can have them hold the pickles. We all know how unhealthy pickles can be.

4. Instead of wearing one hat, I can wear like 2 or 3 hats. The added weight of the hats will help me exercise when I drive to the store to buy more beer and Fritos.

5. Instead of yelling for my cubicle-mate to grab me a coffee, maybe I could get up and walk to his desk and ask him. Also, as a substitute for sugar, I can ask for like 6 Splendas or 14 Equals.

6. Instead of lying in my bed and browsing my computer, I could sit up and look at my computer.

7. Lastly, perhaps I can break my habit of eating all the crumbs from between the couch cushions.

It seems like a lot to take on right now, but if I can at least abide by a few of these tasks, maybe I’ll be on my way to becoming one of the healthiest individuals on the planet. Feel free to steal a few of these tips to help you reach your peak physical condition. Don’t spread the word, though; I’m in the process of making a health guide.