Thursday, August 2, 2012

Find God in Your Pet

Not too long ago, a shady looking man and woman in business suit approached my front door holding a briefcase. Are they hitmen? Or would it be hitpeople in this case? No matter. Is it because the CIA found that I mistakenly received an extra burrito with my Taco Bell order the other day? I’m finished for sure. Before I knew it they were ringing my doorbell. Ding-ding-ding-ding… ding-dong-ding-ding…ding-ding-ding-dong……….ding-ding-ding-ding………..bwong-bwong. Accepting the consequences of my poor decision to not notify the cashier of my extra burrito, I open the door and shut my eyes.

“Hello, sir. We are Jehovah’s witnesses.”

Shit! It’s worse than I thought!

They continued. “We’d like to tell you all abo—”

“No,” I interjected.

“But, just a moment to—”

“No.”

“Please, sir, for your salva—”

“No!”

“Maybe if we could jus—”

“No. No. No. No! No! NO! NO! NO! NO!” I was steadily losing control as I began foaming at the mouth. They took a step back as my mouth began reciting evil incantations against my will. Spit was flying everywhere and burning bottomless holes in the earth. It wasn’t long before they retreated, but not before hurling a bushel of pamphlets at me.

Luckily, the cool air snapped me out of my trance, and I regained focus as I grabbed a handful of the pamphlets. My eyes glided over the header. Find God in your Pet. It was a curious pamphlet, but I had unfortunately thrown them all away by accident before getting a change to delve into the contents.

Moments later, after weeping over the poignant season finale of 16 and Pregnant, my dog strolled in the room. It may have been the emotional, fragile state I was in or the header of the aforementioned pamphlet, but I was immediately struck with an eagerness to find God in by gentle dog, Pogo.
Actual picture. Not photoshopped at all.
I lifted him off the ground and stared into his eyes, but an unexpected sneeze shot dog boogers all over my face. I drowned out my anger and stuck in a dark corner and continued to study my dog. I flipped him upside-down and leftside-right, but there was absolutely nothing God-like about this stupid animal. The only thing miraculous about him was the infinite amount of fur on his body. I’ve pulled fur from his coat that’s taken up more mass than his body, and still there were loose fur patches all over him. I suppose that’s somewhat God-like, but I needed more.

I placed him down and studied his movements. He wearily made his way to the couch and flopped down on one of the cushions. I know it is hard being a dog, but he sure sleeps a lot. He is one lazy animal. Like a slo... like… a sloth. Sloth. One of the Seven Deadly Sins! How can a creature be God-like if he’s guilty of one of the Cardinal Sins? So, I thought about it further. I ran through the rest of the list.

Wrath. He is undoubtedly guilty of this sin. He’s drawn blood from me on numerous occasions. Sure I may have riled him up a bit, but he should learn to suppress his anger like me and unleash it on the internet.

Greed. I’ve spent hundreds of dollars on him, yet he still requires more. More food, more water, more toys, more cookies, more designer sunglasses. It’s no question that he’s guilty of this sin.

Pride. I can tell just by the way he walks that he’s full of pride. He walks as if he’s in the Westminster Dog Show, like there’s a camera on him at all times. Plus, when I call him over so I can pet him, he looks at me, scoffs, and walks to the next room. Guilty as charged!

Lust. He’s humped the legs of at least a county’s worth of men and women. I’m embarrassed to admit that he’s my dog at times, what with all the hump attacks and all.

Envy. If competing for attention was an Olympic event, he’d be the first athlete to win gold, silver, and bronze all in the same event. He’s such an envious whore.

Gluttony. He’s a dog.

So, that just about solved it. I had concluded that my dog was a spawn sent from the underworld.

I didn’t waste any time. I immediately started carving his dog food into mini crucifixes and lacing his water with holy water and concentrated silver. This lasted for a good months with no significant results aside from him shitting mercury.

With all the failed attempts to rid my dog from a supposed demon, I never once stopped to think that perhaps my dog is Satan incarnate.

That is how I concluded that my dog is the devil.

If you have not already done so, pop over to Dude Write, and cast your vote in Dude Write's First Ever "Flashier Than You" flash fiction contest. Read every contestant's short story and vote for your favorite. Also, this post is a submission to Dude Write 8.

36 comments:

  1. And that is why dogs are man's best friend!

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    1. He'll never turn down a night on the town which is good. My very own drinking companion.

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  2. Oh, this was a great post! He sounds just as bad as my bratty baby :)

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    1. Despite how devilish pets can be, I can't help hugging the shit out of them.

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  3. I've never had a dog that was the spawn of the devil, but I can't say this about a cat that once lived with us.

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    1. That's my girlfriend's cat. I am quite positive that thing is Satan.

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  4. Shitting mercury? That's perfect! Rub it on you top hats for that perfect shine!

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    1. I did not know that. Next night on the town, I'll be sure to crack open a thermometer and dump the contents on my top hat.

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  5. Really? I'm pretty sure my cat is the devil ... or at least the reincarnation of Genghis Khan.

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    1. Yeah, cats are usually viscious toward me. Probably because I treat them like dogs, and they apparently don't like that.

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  6. If I were your dog I'd bit you just for drawing that crap on my face.

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    1. Yeah, but he looks incredibly fabulous in those pictures.

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  7. God is inside animals? I eat animals. Now I'm going to hell for sure.

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    1. Only pets... according to the pamphlet. Though, I do eat fish. I don't know. I didn't read it.

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  8. Great story, but I'm more curious about the www.goo you were looking up at the very beginning.....

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    1. Haha, good catch. I think I was searching ont the capitalization in Jehovah's (W)witnesses. Never really found it though.

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  9. Hahaha, your dog can't be Satan, unless he moves from my dog.

    Floor and couch pee'r...

    WG

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    1. He's something unworldly. He recently diarrhea'd and threw up in the morning just before I was leaving for work. It was horrific. Almost satanic.

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  10. Can you please explain to me where and how your dog got ahold of mercury??? Everything else...very believeable!

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    1. When concentrated silver, holy water, and crucifixes are digested, it makes mercury, obviously.

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  11. He looks more like a librarian with those glasses than a devil dog. :)


    Michael A. Walker
    Defying Procrastination

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    1. Those are his sexy librarian glasses. Though, he's a male, so I don't know what gender he's trying to attract.

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  12. The only thing that comes out of my dog, from both ends, is pretty foul. I'm pretty sure even if she wasn't the spawn of satan (which she is, this only confirmed it), I wouldn't want to go poking around to find God in there. I have a feeling that is not what I would find.

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    1. Oh, I have been on the verge of losing my bowels and souldafter cleaning up my dog's throw-up/diarrhea. Horrendous, events to say the least.

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  13. I'm glad that you ran with the 7 Deadly Sins theme!

    Every time I look at my new dog, I smile. And that is a big thing for me... so perhaps that is Godliness.

    Also, "dog" is "God backwards. And that's gotta mean something, right?

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    1. I know. I would been better off doing the 7 Deadly Sins for last weeks Dude Write. And of course I love my dog, too. There's no harsh feelings, even if he is Satan.

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  14. hahaha designer sunglasses! what is it with dogs and their damn designer sunglasses?!

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    1. I know! I gave him the sunglasses I got from WalMart, and he repaid my ac of kindness by throwing up all over the kitchen.

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  15. My dog eats everything in sight, including my favourite designer sunglasses (why wear them when you can eat them, right?) and then vomits them everywhere. The reason why Dog is God backwards is because that means they are the opposite! Rushing to vote now :)

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    1. My dog has eaten a whole plate mozzarella sticks. I don't even know how he managed to shit all of that out. And I completely agree with your God vs. dog statement!

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  16. I didn't hear one mention of your dog chewing your shoes or underwear which is undenyable proof that my dog is satan and yours merely its spawn.

    Stop by my page when you get a chance please.

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    1. My dog no longer chews on much anymore. He used to destroy my shoes when he was a puppy, but now he just lounges around.

      And, will do.

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  17. Lol, I absolutely agree with the seven deadly sins scenario but how can you say that sweet looking thing is the spawn of the devil. He's soooo cute

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    1. The devil come in all shapes in forms, even in the form of a cute, fluffy puppy.

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  18. Well if Dog is God spelt backwards it only makes sense your dog is Satan. Heck maybe all dogs are Satan! But if that's true what about the movie All Dogs go to Heaven?

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    1. Yeah, but I just watched that movie recently and it is very raunchy for a children's movie. It would be incredible if you could make a review of it!

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