Friday, August 10, 2012

Excuses Are Like Butts

Hey everyone! If you're looking for a silly post to brighten your mood today, I suggest you move on through to the next blog on your feed. Essentially, this post is about what I'm up to as of recent. You may be wondering why I haven't been following my usual schedule of 2 posts per week. I wish I had a better answer other than, "I'm in a funk."
The Dictionary of Chiz:
funk1 [fuhngk] noun - not having the momentum to update a blog (see also; lazy).

In case you missed the horrific attempt at a joke, the reason I'm not posting anything is because I'm super duper lazy. However, I believe there are a few excuses I can pull out of my ass to warrant my absence from the blogosphere. So, bear with me a moment while I try to dig up some excuses... Here's a picture of a chicken finger, covered in Monterey Jack cheese, wrapped in bacon, deep-fried, and covered in more cheese that I made a while back. Hopefully it will prompt you to grab a bite to eat while I continue to think of excuses.
Diabeetus

Alright, are you back from your snack break?
Oh, you never went on one?
No, it does not look disgusting.

Anyway, I managed to think of a few excuses while you've been gone.

1) I actually have a post 3/4 of the way completely and was ready to get it online by yesterday night. I just needed to get home to finish it up. Well, it turns out that my sister was visiting the house (though, nowhere to be found), and she brought her newly adopted Beagle/Lab mix.Upon me entering the house, the dog immediately starts flooding the house with his piss. I acted quickly, slapped a leash on his collar and took him for a walk as a stream of lemonade stalked me out the door. After a 10 minute walk, he did not go to the bathroom. Not even once. So, I figured he'd exhausted his supply of pee inside the house. Upon returning to the home, I unclipped his leash and set him free as I began to wipe up the cavalcade of piss (I know that term doesn't fit in this sentence, but it sounds phenomenal). That's when I heard the pitter patter of peepee in the next room. The dog was at it again, unleashing a maelstrom of golden rains upon the couch. Long story short, I didn't have time to finish the post because I had pee all over me.

2) My birthday was last weekend, and my girlfriend's is this weekend. Therefore, I've been running around like a chicken with its legs cut off. Running around in squares. If only I could kill two birds with one bullet. But alas, I was only barking up the wrong bush. In layman's terms, I've been busy celebrating my own birthday while trying to get my shit together for my girlfriend's birthday (if you didn't get that from my strategic placement of idioms, then go eat... something).

3) I'm pretty sure there is a pterodactyl stalking me. I keep hearing strange noises outside my window at night. I looked up the noise "nyaacacaca" on Google and, according to science, it is in fact the mating call of a male pterodactyl.
This photo screams 'heavy metal'.

Therefore, it is quite obvious why I have been neglecting my blogging duties. If peeing dogs, birthdays, and pterodactyls are not enough excuses to explain my absence, then I don't kow what you guys expect.

Anyway, I promise the shit out of you that I'll resume my 2 posts per week schedule starting next week. Basically, the point of this post is to let you guys know that I'm not dead.

Also, ignore any spelling mistakes. I wrote this at work, and my computer doesn't have spell check.

Added Bonus!

I'd like to thank all those who voted for my flash fiction for Dude Write's Flash Mob (July). Because of you, I tied as winner of the popular vote award with Daniel Nest over at Nest Expressed. An additional thanks goes out to the judges. In particular, I'd like to thank Madeleine Farraday for awarding me with an award, as well. I congratulate the creators of Dude Write for their excellent work in putting together the first Flash Mob. For those of you who missed my submission, here's the link: The Bunker.

Added Bonus-Bonus!
I have also been awarded the Asshole Award (I think) by Blondie McBaffled! Graciously accepted, Blondie!
Digital confirmation that I am indeed an asshole.

Important Announcement!

Dan over at Shameful Promotions is hosting a fantasy (American) football league, and we are short 6 or so players. If you think you have what it takes to choose top-notch players and strategically place them in their corresponding slots, then go to this link and follow Dan's directions: Get Your Game Face On!

Also, I hear there's talks of a prize for the winner!

18 comments:

  1. Well congrats both on the award, and for writing the most super duper flash fiction :D It's nice to see you back too. Sometimes life just gets in the way. Especially if it's a birthday (happy birthday btw) and pterodactyls. I'm proud I spelled that right in one go.

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    1. Thanks, Mark! Yeah, I'll be back next week, but I let my laziness get the better of me. I was surprised when I had spelled pterodactyl correct as well. I think I'm finally getting a grasp on the English language!

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    1. Basically, this post is all about the complexities of the universe and the significance of mankind... and laziness. It's mostly about laziness.

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  3. Glad your back Chiz and somehow your post brought me comfort because your #3 excuse is the one I like the best, only because I am almost 75% positive that Mothman lands on my roof everynight. I just never thought to Google the sound to find out for sure.

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    1. That's funny that you mention that. When I told my friend of the strange noises I was hearing outside my window, he said it was Mothman, as well. He's everywhere and nowhere.

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  4. Awesome job on winning the Flash Fiction award. I didn't read many of them, but yours was so good I would have been surprised if you didn't win. If anyone deserves a break, it's you, so enjoy your cake for now and wow us with more brilliant posts next week.

    Also, Pterodactyls hate orange peel, so spread some of that on your garden.

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    1. Thanks, Addman! Oh, I enjoyed my cake long enough. I'll either have a post up by tonight or tomorrow. And thanks for the pterodactyl deterrent method. I'll give it a shot tonight.

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  5. That was the most pee-diculous post I have ever read. I am not going to feel sorry for you as I have been in a "funk" before and got no sympathy and it helped me...so I am actually HELPING you tonight. Love the Heavy Metal reference though, it's what I was thinking as soon as I saw the picture. Oh and good luck with the GF's B-Day, you know guys like us cannot pull those off correctly.

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    1. Yeah, I did the best I could with her birthday. It wasn't easy, though. And yeah, I think I'm still trapped in a writer's block, but I'll break out of it soon enough.

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  6. When visiting a town in the north of England and not having a particularly good time, I said to a local 'This town is the asshole of England'

    Unperturbed he turned round and said 'I suppose you are just passing through'

    To this day I don't know if he just got lucky or was indeed far wittier than I could ever be.

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    1. I wish I could quip with the best. I'm one of those 'think-of-a-witty-response-later' type of guys.

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  7. Congratulations on your award. I thought your Flash Fiction was great.

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    1. Thanks, Stephen! I'm glad you enjoyed it. Hopefully I'll be able to keep up the pace next time around.

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  8. We're all entitled to some bits of laziness. Happy belated birthday and enjoy your parties.

    I love how of all the awards I was passing out, the one I was calling myself (but thought could fit most of my favorite bloggers) is the one that people are claiming and talking about. That's awesome!

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    1. Thanks, Blondie! And I wasn't sure whether you were giving out the award or not. I just stole it because I saw Working Dan was flaunting it as well.

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  9. I could've sworn I wrote this post! I am always writing posts offering excuses as to why I am lazy. Here lately I'm too lazy to even write an excuse for being lazy! Man I'm lazy!

    My laziness is what prompted me to take that asshole award and accept it with pride!

    I think there is only 3 spots left in the league now. I hope we get a full 12 in time! And yes, there is a prize! Not sure what yet, but it should be worth competing for!

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    1. I've done the same exact post on a few occasions myself. And I followed your lead with the award as well.

      I hope we can get the slots filled. We need at least one more person to have even teams.

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