Friday, August 17, 2012

Conception



How something so immense was supposed to emerge from an orifice so small was a notion only the devil, himself, could conceive. I let out a cry of pain as I called upon my breathing exercises. Hee hoo. Hee hoo. Hee hoo. This was a result of my actions. I had asked for this. My creation. And it brought tears to my eyes; though, I was unsure of the nature of the tears. Was it pain or was I just happy that it was finally happening?

I cursed myself for choosing to birth it the natural way. I knew I should’ve accepted the morphine. It felt like a herd of sharks wielding scimitars was trying to besiege a drainage pipe. It was like the grim reaper was prodding the nozzle of a straw with a baby seal. It was like a big ol’ thing was trying to fit through a small ol’ thing.

I balled my hands into taut fists until the color had bled from them. How much more of this could I take? I’ve been trapped in this bleak, white room for hours, and it feels as though no progress has been made. Unfortunately, I knew it was past the point of getting it surgically removed. I really wouldn’t have minded the scar had I known I’d be in this much pain.
What felt like a century had passed and I could feel my creation crowning. Progress was beginning to take form. Not much longer until I’d be free from this agony.

I had finally reached the home stretch. With all my might, I gave one concentrated push. I let out an exasperated sigh and down it fell until it collided with the water below.

And that is the last time I ate an entire box of mozzarella sticks.

Yeah, you just read an entire post about a person taking a poop. Don’t you feel shitty (even though you probably guessed the outcome after the first sentence)? I certainly do. The guy next to me on the train is mapping out what looks like an intricate, architectural design on some futuristic, space software, while I sit here and write about poop.

Also, it may come as a bit of a surprise, but I don’t know much about the pain that accompanies the joys of giving birth, so, to you mothers, feel free to let me have it in the comments section below.

Toodlepoo!

I read an article that working in a cubicle actually makes you dumber. I'm starting to believe it's true.

33 comments:

  1. I had a feeling that this wasn't what it appeared to be, but it was still a LOL read and very well written. Excellent job.

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    1. Thanks, Stephen! Yeah, it may have been a little more obvious than I'd hoped, but I'm glad you enjoyed it!

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  2. It's alright mate, everybody poops. Except for my friend Raymond. He has literally never pooped in his entire life. Don't ask me how it works, no one knows.

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    1. And girls. Girls don't poop either. Oh, and action stars, too.

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    2. Sorry to be the one to burst your "girls don't poop bubble", but they do. And occasionally, it doesn't even smell like roses.

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    3. But, what if roses really smell like poo-oo-ooh, yeaaah. Sorry. Reminded me of that song. Anyway... blasphemy!

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  3. I say get out of the cubicle...this is a new low. How exactly was new space thingy designed? That sounds interesting.

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    1. Yeah, I'm waiting for a job opening at a new alcohol distribution plant at the moment. Hopefully then I will be able to put out some good posts.

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    1. Indeed. I haven't done toilet humor in like three posts. I was about to explode.

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  5. I drunk a whole jar of prune juice once. The above is pretty much what happened...over and over and over again, until my bottom felt like a...maybe I should end it there.

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    1. Yeah, I had a similar experience with a stomach bug. I literally pooped 14 times in one day. It was a mess.

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  6. No you did not go there. Oh, honey child, you did not just write a post about a difficult bowel movement. So glad I am a vegan.

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    1. Haha, honey child. But unfotunately I went there, around the block, and back once again. I'll try never to venture down that alley until at least three posts have passed.

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  7. Bravo, sir, bravo. I applaud you for this. Here I was, thinking you'd gotten in touch with your feminine side, and then you ended it with a bang. Or rather, a splash.

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    1. My feminine side is locked in a dark room in the back of my brain. It only comes out when something really cute appears before me.

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  8. I honestly thought this was a guest post from a woman or something. I certainly didn't expect it to be a poop story! Oh how I love a good shit story!

    This is worthy of a "shameful promotion".

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  9. Excellent! Thanks, Dan! I should've faked it as a guest post. That would've been a great idea. And thanks for the "shameful promotion"!

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  10. What I want to know is, who the hell was offering you morphine and and an emergency c-section while you were on the crapper? Although I suppose stranger things have happened on the train...

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    1. Oh, I just have a ton of morphine laying about the house. Also, I suppose it's possible to get a crap surgically removed? And the event took place in my house fortunately enough.

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  11. I thought it was a kidney stone, all the way up to the cheese sticks. I was thinking "He's way to young to be suffering from those." Now it all makes sense.

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    1. Oh, I hope I never have to endure one of those. My friend's father had to pass one out through his peehole. Blergargh!

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  12. I'm kinda glad you didn't offer us a video illustration of the post :PP

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    1. I was going to, but the camera was shaking something furious.

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  13. It's morer dumber, Chiz. Morer dumber.

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    1. See it's progressing faster than I had imagined! Spreading through my body like a rock. Wait, rocks don't spread. Gaah!

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  14. Lava or sharks. I don't know what feels worse.

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    1. As in, poop that feels like either one.

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    2. Oh good call. Lava sucks. Especially since I can't eat spicy food without undergoing a journey through the lake of fire.

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  15. So do you think anyone has ever gotten a cesarean section over a big dump? I think that would be a really weird scare to have!
    "This is my scar from my motor bike accident!"
    "This is my scar from my skydiving accident!"
    "This is my scar from where my doctor cut out my giant poo, so it didn't stretch my asshole out!"

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    1. Yeah, well would you rather have a badass scar or anal scarring? Everytime you pooped from then onward would be like... nevermind, I'll stop there.

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  16. And you think about giving this all up...pshaw!

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    1. Haha, I'm assuming this comment was meant for 'The Bull and The Buffoon' post? If not, I'll be sure to continue writing posts like this!

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