Tuesday, August 14, 2012

Chronicles of a Deadbeat Husband


Day 1
And there went my wife. Out the door, never to return… well, until her business trip was complete, anyway.
I’ve reclaimed the castle for a week, and I have prepared my reign accordingly. The freezer is stacked with Stouffer’s macaroni and cheese, Hot Pockets, and frozen Celeste pizzas. The fridge is adorned with lavish ales and bottom-of-the-barrel brews. The Xbox is wired to the 60” LCD, and I’m already severely naked.
And so begins the greatest week of my life.

Day 2
Sporadic flashes of light emanated from the dimly lit kitchen. I rushed into the kitchen to discover the cause of this treachery. Smoke billowed from the microwave and lightening threatened to escape the mechanical contraption. Being the quick-minded individual that my wife married me for, I hurdled over the kitchen table (suffering but minor scraps, bruises, and torn muscles) and fired my fist into the ‘stop’ button. The microwave-sponsored firework display ceased, and I opened the latch ajar, letting the dense smoke clear.
Once the smoke had cleared, I had come to realize that the fork I had used to mix my macaroni before reheating it was mistakenly left in the trough. An absentminded mistake had cost me the chief cooking utensil in my kitchen, but I managed to fight back the tears and mark it as a minor speed bump in what surely will be the best week ever.

Day 3
After Googling how to cook Hot Pockets in the oven, I knew I would soon be able to restore my body with sustenance. I preheated the oven, and resumed playing Dragon’s Dogma.
3 hours later, I realized I had forgotten to press ‘Start’ on the oven and therefore had to sit idly by an additional 5 minutes. My stomach was radiating inhuman sounds in anticipation for the glorious feast that would soon transpire. I slipped the Hot Pocket in its protective sleeve and slid it onto the searing hot grate.
I allowed the Hot Pocket to roast as I continued to slay defenseless rabbits with my iron broad sword. Minutes passed as rabbits’ blood began polluting the rivers and streams of the virtual world of Dragon’s Dogma. That’s when the smoke appeared. Could it be… the dragon? I quickly realized that it was not in fact a dragon, but the result of the protective sleeve sheltering my Hot Pocket being set ablaze by the overabundance of heat resulting in the destruction of my stove.

Day 4
My food supply was worthless without the means to heat it. I had already chipped a tooth trying to munch on a frozen Hot Pocket for breakfast. Beer seemed to be my only form of sustenance at the moment. I found that I could keep the hunger at bay as long as I kept blasting beers into my stomach.

Day 5
Apologies for the previous entry being so short. It appears that I had blacked out midway through.
Today, I had decided to stock up on food that doesn’t require a source of heat. I had the grocery list all made out:
-Slim Jims
-Lunchables
-More beer
I hopped in my car, ready to purchase the necessities for me to survive. I looked back as I went in reverse out of my driveway… except I wasn’t going backwards. As I crashed into my porch, it dawned on me. I was still drunk. I ventured inside as I

Day 6
It seems I had passed out yet again.
My stomach curses me with foul gurgles. My wife would be home tomorrow, but I wasn’t sure I would make it until then. I had to eat something. I went upstairs to get a change of clothes. I thought perhaps that I might brave the harsh 70 degree (Fahrenheit) weather. The sun felt like… well the sun on a moderately warm day, but my pale skin was not fit for such abuse. My crusty, unwashed shirt did nothing to repel the sun. Lacking the means and the energy to reach the store, I crashed down on the couch, excepting my fate.

Day 7
Still alive. My wife returned to the house apparently to the sight of me naked on the kitchen floor with an empty ketchup bottle by my side. Before throwing me out of the house after reading my will awarding her my Pokémon card collection and leaving the rest of my possessions to my drinking pal, Brazen Bill, she cooked me up quite the fanciful feast. Apparently she doesn’t think I can live on my own, so she told me to return tomorrow. Tomorrow I shall return to the house and apologize, but today, I thank the heavens for allowing me one more day on this Earth.

22 comments:

  1. Fun post, but how dare you use my picture without permission. I'm ashamed to admit I see a bit of myself in your post.

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    1. I apologize, but I'm getting your artistic, sepia photography out there for all to see!

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  2. I've never been married, but I have (kind of) lived with someone. When he went out of town, I tried out new recipes, did loads of yoga in my underwear, read, and danced with my dog. When I went out of town, he behaved like the deadbeat husband. Why are men and women so different? Why!

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    1. Yeah, I'm not married either. I've lived with a bunch of dudes, though. Wow, women are very productive when their spouses or significant others are gone!

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  3. Hold on, this can in no way be a true account of a man left alone. I read nothing about surfing the net for tranny porn, or lying on the sofa with his hands down his underpants whilst scratching his nads.

    It was still funny nonetheless and now you've just made me late for my doctor's appointment.

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    1. Well, I stick my hands down my pants whenever I damn well please, but I did accidentalyl leave out the tranny porn.

      I hope you don't have to reschedule the doctor's appointment!

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  4. Dude, just buy tons and tons of ice cream. It doesn't need cooking and, if you buy neopolitan, contains all your food groups.

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    1. Brilliant! It has strawberry which is a fruit, vanilla which I think is a vegetable, and chocolate which is also a vegetable. I'm not 100% sure on those fact but close enough.

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  5. That was great!!! I just left my husband alone for two weeks while I went to visit family and after the food I pre-cooked for him ran out he had to order take out - to funny!!

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    1. For me, it's not about not being able to cook. It's more about being too lazy to cook. Therefore I end up ordering take-out a lot when I'm alone.

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  6. If it was me in your shoes my wife would kill me because I CAN cook and would be grilling up a feast every day and would be broke!

    As long as there is beer, there is life!

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    1. Beer is life, a great motto to live by.

      I can cook also. I worked as a cook for 3 years, but I am too lazy and don't possess are the expensive machinery that the restaurant kitchens provided.

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  7. I'm with Lily on the where's the rest of the story? The mental picture of you passed out, naked, on the kitchen floor after that picture was almost more than I could bare! Great post.

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    1. Thanks! But I left out the tranny porn because I thought that was just a secret shared between men. How did you find out?!

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  8. That is hilarious and sad. I fear this is more the real you than you would like us to believe. I have no prob seeing you stick a fork absentmindedly into a microwave. How did that go over with the wife by the way?? Kudos on killing rabbits on your 60" maybe you can virtually eat them!!

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    1. Bah, I'm not actually married, and I worked as a cook for 3 years. Though, I'm always too lazy to cook for myself. I did get the fork idea from a coworker who left a fork in the microwave, and I do cook Hot Pockets in the oven because they taste better (though, without the cardboard sleeve).

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  9. Hot Pockets taste better in the oven? My friend, you just blew my mind. I've got to try that.

    See, I've been cooking for a long time, too (not professionally, just because I like it) but I'm too lazy to cook for myself most times. I just get the highest calorie beer I can and sip on that throughout the day. It's not alcoholism - it's smart nutrition!

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    1. It comes out crispier and better in my opinion. Though, it takes considerably longer.

      And I enjoyed cooking for a time, but then it just reminded me of work too much. I enjoyed cooking stuff for myself at work, though, because I have so much shit to play around with. Giant knives and flat-tops and fryolators.

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  10. Good thinking with the ketchup. That probably saved your life.

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    1. Oh, it most certainly did. Would've when with the relish, but that stuff passes right through me. Plus it tastes terrible with beer.

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  11. So just the typical week then. Cool. I don't see why he didn't BBQ the hot pocket in the backyard...

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    1. Well, that would require him to go outside. Outside is way too dangerous. Statistics say that 100% of people who go outside at least once in their life dies.

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