And there went my wife. Out the door, never to return… well, until her business trip was complete, anyway.
I’ve reclaimed the castle for a week, and I have prepared my reign accordingly. The freezer is stacked with Stouffer’s macaroni and cheese, Hot Pockets, and frozen Celeste pizzas. The fridge is adorned with lavish ales and bottom-of-the-barrel brews. The Xbox is wired to the 60” LCD, and I’m already severely naked.
And so begins the greatest week of my life.
Sporadic flashes of light emanated from the dimly lit kitchen. I rushed into the kitchen to discover the cause of this treachery. Smoke billowed from the microwave and lightening threatened to escape the mechanical contraption. Being the quick-minded individual that my wife married me for, I hurdled over the kitchen table (suffering but minor scraps, bruises, and torn muscles) and fired my fist into the ‘stop’ button. The microwave-sponsored firework display ceased, and I opened the latch ajar, letting the dense smoke clear.
Once the smoke had cleared, I had come to realize that the fork I had used to mix my macaroni before reheating it was mistakenly left in the trough. An absentminded mistake had cost me the chief cooking utensil in my kitchen, but I managed to fight back the tears and mark it as a minor speed bump in what surely will be the best week ever.
After Googling how to cook Hot Pockets in the oven, I knew I would soon be able to restore my body with sustenance. I preheated the oven, and resumed playing Dragon’s Dogma.
3 hours later, I realized I had forgotten to press ‘Start’ on the oven and therefore had to sit idly by an additional 5 minutes. My stomach was radiating inhuman sounds in anticipation for the glorious feast that would soon transpire. I slipped the Hot Pocket in its protective sleeve and slid it onto the searing hot grate.
I allowed the Hot Pocket to roast as I continued to slay defenseless rabbits with my iron broad sword. Minutes passed as rabbits’ blood began polluting the rivers and streams of the virtual world of Dragon’s Dogma. That’s when the smoke appeared. Could it be… the dragon? I quickly realized that it was not in fact a dragon, but the result of the protective sleeve sheltering my Hot Pocket being set ablaze by the overabundance of heat resulting in the destruction of my stove.
My food supply was worthless without the means to heat it. I had already chipped a tooth trying to munch on a frozen Hot Pocket for breakfast. Beer seemed to be my only form of sustenance at the moment. I found that I could keep the hunger at bay as long as I kept blasting beers into my stomach.
Apologies for the previous entry being so short. It appears that I had blacked out midway through.
Today, I had decided to stock up on food that doesn’t require a source of heat. I had the grocery list all made out:
I hopped in my car, ready to purchase the necessities for me to survive. I looked back as I went in reverse out of my driveway… except I wasn’t going backwards. As I crashed into my porch, it dawned on me. I was still drunk. I ventured inside as I
It seems I had passed out yet again.
My stomach curses me with foul gurgles. My wife would be home tomorrow, but I wasn’t sure I would make it until then. I had to eat something. I went upstairs to get a change of clothes. I thought perhaps that I might brave the harsh 70 degree (Fahrenheit) weather. The sun felt like… well the sun on a moderately warm day, but my pale skin was not fit for such abuse. My crusty, unwashed shirt did nothing to repel the sun. Lacking the means and the energy to reach the store, I crashed down on the couch, excepting my fate.
Still alive. My wife returned to the house apparently to the sight of me naked on the kitchen floor with an empty ketchup bottle by my side. Before throwing me out of the house after reading my will awarding her my Pokémon card collection and leaving the rest of my possessions to my drinking pal, Brazen Bill, she cooked me up quite the fanciful feast. Apparently she doesn’t think I can live on my own, so she told me to return tomorrow. Tomorrow I shall return to the house and apologize, but today, I thank the heavens for allowing me one more day on this Earth.