If you could have any superpower, what would it be?
I’ve answered this question with a vast assortment of run-of-the-mill answers throughout my years. Invisibility. Flight. Teleportation. Time control. But, I think I’ve finally established the superpower that would bring me the most joy. I wish I could wield the power to enliven inanimate objects with senses, emotions, and diction.
I bet you’re scratching your taint right now wondering why on Earth I would want such a ridiculous power. Well, it’s quite simple, really.
The office copy machine is on the fritz, again. It has a paper jam, the toner is low, and there is a strange, putrid, thick, red liquid leaking from the base. You’ve done everything within your capacity to repair the machine, but it has all come to no avail. So, what do you do? You turn into a Neanderthal and begin pounding the plastic outer shell with your clenched fists while shouting what you believe to be English but, in actuality, sounds like some sort of intergalactic transmission broadcasting through your face.
Staple image for office-machine violence.
Now you’re left with a wrecked copy machine littered with craters and bite marks. Did that make you feel better? No. It only enhanced the problem.
But what if you could instill that copy machine with life? Picture the machine as a living, breathing entity. Your words now hold authority. The hushed obscenities oozing from your mouth now have weight. You can infuse the helpless machine with fear by laying on distasteful threats and heavy glares. Furthermore, punching, kicking, and scratching the machine will evoke a sensory response.
When I say don't update Windows. DON'T UPDATE WINDOWS!
Though, through further analysis, I’ve found ways this power could prove detrimental. First of all, by no means will I ever use this power on my laptop. No matter how enraged I become with my obsolete laptop, I will not implant it with the ability to feel. With emotions, diction, and other senses comes the ability to reason. Who’s to say that after slapping my laptop around a few times won’t backfire in the form of blackmail? With a simple search through my history, my laptop can make my secret Brazilian fart fetish publicly known.
Furthermore, I write like I’m a violent lunatic on my blog, but I’m actually an extremely nonviolent person. But, that doesn’t mean I wouldn’t like the power. Maybe I could buy the animated objects some flowers in exchange for a quick fix. Though, that could result in some unwanted attraction. Inevitably, it’d probably get to the point where I’d have to marry the copy machine to repair a paper jam. God forbid it evolves into desires for sexual favors in exchange for shaking the ink cartridge a little.
Copier: "Let me eat your pussy."
Bah, on second thought, this superpower sucks. Back to the drawing board.
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