Tuesday, July 17, 2012

An Unlikely Superpower


If you could have any superpower, what would it be?

I’ve answered this question with a vast assortment of run-of-the-mill answers throughout my years. Invisibility. Flight. Teleportation. Time control. But, I think I’ve finally established the superpower that would bring me the most joy. I wish I could wield the power to enliven inanimate objects with senses, emotions, and diction.

I bet you’re scratching your taint right now wondering why on Earth I would want such a ridiculous power. Well, it’s quite simple, really.

The office copy machine is on the fritz, again. It has a paper jam, the toner is low, and there is a strange, putrid, thick, red liquid leaking from the base. You’ve done everything within your capacity to repair the machine, but it has all come to no avail. So, what do you do? You turn into a Neanderthal and begin pounding the plastic outer shell with your clenched fists while shouting what you believe to be English but, in actuality, sounds like some sort of intergalactic transmission broadcasting through your face.
Staple image for office-machine violence.
Now you’re left with a wrecked copy machine littered with craters and bite marks. Did that make you feel better? No. It only enhanced the problem.

But what if you could instill that copy machine with life? Picture the machine as a living, breathing entity. Your words now hold authority. The hushed obscenities oozing from your mouth now have weight. You can infuse the helpless machine with fear by laying on distasteful threats and heavy glares. Furthermore, punching, kicking, and scratching the machine will evoke a sensory response.
When I say don't update Windows. DON'T UPDATE WINDOWS!
Though, through further analysis, I’ve found ways this power could prove detrimental. First of all, by no means will I ever use this power on my laptop. No matter how enraged I become with my obsolete laptop, I will not implant it with the ability to feel. With emotions, diction, and other senses comes the ability to reason. Who’s to say that after slapping my laptop around a few times won’t backfire in the form of blackmail? With a simple search through my history, my laptop can make my secret Brazilian fart fetish publicly known.

Furthermore, I write like I’m a violent lunatic on my blog, but I’m actually an extremely nonviolent person. But, that doesn’t mean I wouldn’t like the power. Maybe I could buy the animated objects some flowers in exchange for a quick fix. Though, that could result in some unwanted attraction. Inevitably, it’d probably get to the point where I’d have to marry the copy machine to repair a paper jam. God forbid it evolves into desires for sexual favors in exchange for shaking the ink cartridge a little. 
Copier: "Let me eat your pussy."
Bah, on second thought, this superpower sucks. Back to the drawing board.

This is a submission to Dude Write VI. Head on over to Dude Write to
discover a multitude of fantastic writers.

45 comments:

  1. You are a sick minded individual, dude. That last picture had me spitting out my beer...all over my monitor and key board. Now I need that super power to fix my machine. Thanks a lot!

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    1. Bah, as long as you don't have to perform sexual favors in order to get it fixed, I'm fine with you using the power.

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  2. Personally I would not want to evoke emotions in a computer. I saw a comic about it actually where the computer wouldn't run a program unless you talked about your relationship. I wouldn't want that. On the one hand, it could be useful, but on the other, nah, best not.

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    1. That sounds hilarious, but unfortunately I would not want to be caught in that pattern, either. I recognized all the down sides of the power about 50% of the way through the post.

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  3. First of all, do we females possess a taint and is it worth scratching?

    Secondly, I think I've just burnt and therefore, stripped away the lining of my esophagus, trying not to laugh whilst at the same time, drinking a mouthful of scalding hot coffee, at the caption underneath that last picture.

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    1. I've actually have this argument with a few friends. I suppose you guys have tainst, they are just very small. It's probably not worth scratching as there is less surface area.

      And, I think you'll recover fine... unless it was Folgers. Please don't tell me it was Folgers!

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  4. Okay, now I definitely do NOT want to know what the copier in my office would want from me if it was sentient. Scary mental image!

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    1. There's a door to the copy room in my office. Anything it wants can be performed behind closed doors.

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  5. I have a sentient pencil that constantly demands to be put up my nose. My doctor says I'm slowly causing myself brain damage, and suspects that the talking pencil is a delusional result of this, but what does he know? His PhD and abnormally high IQ don't mean squat!

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    1. I'd go with your pencil's instincts and disregard the ramblings of some quack. He's never stuck a pencil up his nose; therefore, I think you trump him in experience.

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  6. I possess the power to be perpetually broke all the time! What's great about this is that not all bills get paid and service is "interrupted". You want this super power? No?

    Better just stick with invisibility!

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    1. Luckily for me, I counter that power with my ability to live with my parents. Bills get paid, but that's about the extent of it.

      Invisibility would allow me some privacy as my bedroom is also the family office room/shoe wardrobe.

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  7. Mind control would be my superpower. If a bad guy wants to rob a bank I would just make him very sleepy. He would have to go home and take a nap instead of robbing the bank.

    No crime, ever, thanks to me.

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    1. Let's just hope he has a bed. Otherwise Ikea will be the first stop in his reign of terror. Though, they get enough business as is.

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  8. OMG!!! I've (kinda) recovered from uncontrollable laughter caused by that last caption.

    Could you imagine the havoc a pissed off laptop (or smartphone) could create for you. You awaken from a restful night's sleep, check your emails and find hundreds of hate-mails from your favorite bloggers for the nasty comments you (the prankster device) left on their blogs. There's a knock on the door...it's a delivery of a one eyed Orangutan with serious anger issues that cost your entire life savings and in non-refundable. That's not even beginning on the things it could do with your history and your social network sites...OH THE HORROR!!!

    I think I'd go with flight or teleportation for my superpower.

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    1. Exactly! Though I could know what it's like to be Vin Diesel for a day with that orangutan running amuck in my domain.

      But I would mostly certainly NOT want the computer digging through my history. There's just too much damagin material buried in there.

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  9. This was hilarious!

    But it’s definitely the wrong time for me to be thinking about super powers, because some scumbag just stole our credit card number and had a field day shopping online. I’m restraining myself from typing the most horrendous string of expletives here. So anyway, at this moment, as much as I’d hate to do it, I’d have to morph into my Super Badass persona and find horrible, awful, viciously cruel, bloodcurdling ways to make thieving little rat-bastard scumbags like that suffer fates far worse than death.

    Other than that, I’d like to have the super power to eat all the chocolate I want and never gain an ounce. :)

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    1. Bah, yeah I saw you write about it on your twitter account. I'm sorry to hear that. I'd be infuriated, to say the least, if the same had happened to me. Do you have theft control with your carrier?

      And, to built off your proposed superpower, I'd love to eat all the bacon I want without gaining an ounce or having a heart attack.

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  10. Yes! Death to office machines! That scene from "Office Space" is the best. You're killing me with that last photo...!!!

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    1. It's a great movie. It's funny because THAT movie is the basic gist of my work environment.

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  11. Here's the superpower you absolutely need. I would pray for it myself, but then I would have to do super things with it, people all over the world would ask me for favors, and all sorts of other crap I just don't need. Okay, so you need that superpower that would allow you to make things disappear. Things like 50 Shades of Grey. It should not exist. And the women who have read it and loved it, make them disappear, too.

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    1. That's an awesome power. I would most certainly make 50 Shades of Grey vanish as well. The news is reporting that it will be the cause of the next baby boom. I say it will be the cause of the end of civilization.

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    2. Haha I didn't think the toys could get a girl pregnant...

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  12. I think I would like the superpower to read the minds of animals, especially domestic pets... there again like you, though, that may not be a good thing.

    Great shot of "Office Space". It was a great movie.

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    1. Yeah, my dog's walked in on enough awkward moments to ruin my life for eternity. Not that I do weird things in secret or anything.

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  13. You're right, I WAS scratching my taint.

    Wait, what?

    I don't want my computer to come to life either, mainly because it'd turn the whole thing into some messed up abusive relationship. It freezes, I smack it and say some cuss words, then I go back to looking at porn. Uh, I mean funny pictures of cats on the Internet. Then I eat some potato chips while surfing the web and spill crumbs all over the keyboard. If it's alive, then that makes me a huge asshole.

    Also, regarding your question about the Kickstarter, Paypal isn't necessary. You check out with your Amazon account, so you can use a card if you want. Thanks in advance!

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    1. I realized halfway through the post that this is actually an extremely burdensome power. I wouldn't want my computer alerting rapists of my location in order to get back at me.

      And, I've got an Amazo account so that works out perfect for me! You'll see my donation at some point.

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  14. I have to agree with everyone about the last photo, freaking funny.

    Now, time to geek out, you just asked a loaded question to a nerd as myself. If I had to choose a superpower it would be like the Hulk, all gamma ray fucked up. But, as you read in my post for Dude Write, I in fact have a superpower already.

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    1. I certainly have that farting power as well. Actually, I can't fart on command usually, but I keep in so many farts a day that I might as well be able to master the skill.

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  15. I'm broken.
    I missed the last caption and had to go back. I had expectations and fortunately they were met, without beer coming out of my nose.
    You want to be like the AllSpark from Transformers?

    I still want to fly. I'm sure you know why? But if I could I'd probably die.

    WG

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    1. I never though of it like that, but I would absolutely love to be a Transformer. AllSpark especially because he's pretty badass.

      And that is a lovely rhyme at the end.

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  16. The superpower I kind of have (but need to hone) is the power of persuasion. Getting people to do what you want is huge, especially in my world. It may not be as glamorous as flying or invisibility, but it makes the world go round.

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    1. Oh that's a good one. Kind of like that X-Men character that I don't know the name of and am too lazy to look up at the moment.

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  17. I'd have to think long and hard about what superpower I would want. Don't think I'd be looking to give inanimate objects power though! :D

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    1. Yeah, something practical like teleportation would probably be the most ideal power.

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  18. It would make my job easier to be able to talk to machines

    But all that more heart breaking when it is time to upgrade equipment. It will take on a whole Toy Story 3 element

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    1. Ah, it'd be more like American Psycho for me as I know I will not get along with my sentient machines. I don't get along with them as is. Imagine if they could talk back to me everytime I cursed at them?

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  19. My leather recliner does talk to me. While I am at work, I can hear it calling to me.

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    1. Yeah, my television keeps phoning me in my cubicle. It has already left 14 messages.

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  20. And what if the copy machine could just plain kick your ass?

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    1. There's also a possibility of that. I've been beaten up by tables in their non-sentient state. Imagine the dangers of an operational copy machine!

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  21. That power has its pluses and its minuses. The power I'd choose though is to be able to control people! Make them fix the broken things and make people who are evil lock themselves away! It'd be an awesome power!

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    1. That would be an incredibly power. I would harvest everyone's free will and form a giant army to take over the world! Nah, I'm just kidding. I'd probably just make the cashier at McDonald's give me free food or something.

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  22. I'm worried that if you achieve your goal and are able to animate devices like office machines, these machines will display their intense anger at we humans who've been kicking and pounding them for decades. I don't know about you, but I'm too old and fat to be chased by an angry copy machine.

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    1. Yeah, it'd be like the Matrix movies, except humans will not be harvested. We'll be tortured by office machinery trying to exact revenge upon us.

      I'm out of shape, myself. So I'd definitely be of the first to fall to the office printer.

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